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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

987 replies

NotWelcomeAtParties · 14/10/2022 15:43

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

OP posts:
DGay · 17/10/2022 17:18

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 17/10/2022 13:02

So you can't post on MN now unless you're on the breadline, lest it offend someone?!

Get real. There are plenty of people still going on holiday. Eye roll.

Op, you have been treated appallingly by BG. To disinvite you, simply because you opted to stay elsewhere, is a truly vile and spiteful. Like a PP, I am also shocked that you apologised. In your shoes, I wouldn't piss on BG if she was on fire. Take heed. She has shown you what she thinks of you, and how she has no problem dismissing you, if you don't toe her line. You don't need friends like this. Trust me! I'm older than you, and I've encountered women like this before. She will shit on you again if you let this one slide. Dust her off.

When she contacts you after all of this, and wants to talk, I would send this :

"I didn't fancy sleeping on the sofa bed, as I am a light sleeper, pregnant, and couldn't face having to stay up every night until the last reveller was going to bed. I made no fuss. We found another hotel nearby. I didn't ask for any money back from you. Despite being very tired and feeling quite sick at this stage, I travelled for XX thousand miles, at considerable expense, to join you for your birthday celebrations. You then disinvited me from the event, purely because I wasn't sleeping under the same roof as you. I find your actions appalling and rude, and you have ruined this friendship. Do not contact me ever again"

Show quote history

You put this perfectly. OP, follow this above.

ilovesushi · 17/10/2022 17:27

At least you had a nice trip with your travelling friend even if it came with a load of drama from your birthday friend. It sounds to me all your decisions were very rational and sensible and there was nothing there for her to take umbrage at. Very rude on her part to uninvite you from her birthday celebrations and rude to not check whether the sofa would be okay.

CadburyPurple · 17/10/2022 17:28

Hilarious to see the lies people tell to make out OP is unreasonable.

Goady fuckers out in force with nothing else in their lives.

Solonge · 17/10/2022 17:40

I would send her a message saying you had paid a fair share for the villa....are a tee total guest who would have had to remain up till all the drinkers went to bed. A sofa is not equal to a room....You and friend had taken time off from work, bought a lovely gift and have been treated appallingly by her. I would say I truly dont need friends like you. Kiss her off....she is no friend.

DGay · 17/10/2022 17:42

Aphidsandhoneybees · 17/10/2022 09:14

Have people on this thread never agreed to something months in advance and then changed their minds? All the OP did was change her mind once she saw the reality of the sofa bed situation. She admits herself she did not give it much thought at the time of booking.

But this is all irrelevant anyway - OP quietly solved the issue the best way she knew how. In fact it worked in everyone’s interests in a different ways, and in no way at all did it justify being dis-invited from the celebrations she’d just spent a huge amount of money to attend.

The BG is massively out of order and the only thing OP had done wrong is apologise to her.

I actually thought the twin beds and sofa bed were in the same room because why would anyone be sleeping in the living room with everyone in and out.

RampantIvy · 17/10/2022 17:56

@NotWelcomeAtParties could you wait until after your 12 week scan before meeting up with the CF BG then you could tell her why a sofa in a communal area was totally unsuitable?

Tomorrowisalatterday · 17/10/2022 18:09

It's an interesting thread in that I genuinely can't understand why anyone thinks what the OP did is absolutely fine - I was kinda on the fence based on the first post but having seen the updates especially the one where she was actively in favour of this accommodation, I just don't understand how you can see her as acting reasonably. I am honestly not trying to be goady, I just don't get it.

Longerthanfiveweeks · 17/10/2022 18:16

but in my actual life the bigger concern for me is that I went to a lot of trouble and expense to attend a party which I was then disinvited from at the last minute, and that my friend doesn’t seem to recognise the magnitude of this even a little bit, even after an apology from me for my part in it

I agree with you OP. Its absolutely extraordinary to disinvite someone when they have travelled at their expense to another country to be at the event they invited you to! I can imagine her being a bit disappointed you decided to stay elsewhere, but that was something to suck up, not have a massive tantrum over by kicking you out of her celebrations. She has been completely unreasonable, its mad that others are minimising this.
I could not be friends with someone who did this to me. I would see them in a completely different light.

Longerthanfiveweeks · 17/10/2022 18:22

Tomorrowisalatterday · 17/10/2022 18:09

It's an interesting thread in that I genuinely can't understand why anyone thinks what the OP did is absolutely fine - I was kinda on the fence based on the first post but having seen the updates especially the one where she was actively in favour of this accommodation, I just don't understand how you can see her as acting reasonably. I am honestly not trying to be goady, I just don't get it.

You don't get why kicking someone out of an event you invited them to and they have used up money, annual leave and time on, just because they choose to pay for nearby accommodation rather than sleep in a communal area is unreasonable?

Let me break this down for you. BG could not see the all that OP had done for her in coming to the Bday celebration, and the affection and friendship that showed, because all she could focus on was the one thing that OP had not 100% complied with. Take about a severe negative over-ride.

DashboardConfessional · 17/10/2022 18:27

I actually think her disinviting you was pathetic. Not being annoyed, because, frankly, I just spent a weekend on a sofa bed in a bedroom with 4 of my friend's random hen do attendees and I just sucked it up because my friend was more important to me than where I slept, but disinviting you.

BellePeppa · 17/10/2022 18:28

Drop her as a friend. She’s a jerk.

OhmygodDont · 17/10/2022 18:29

Love how it’s all about the sofa bed when really it’s simple.

op decided the booked accommodation wasn’t right for her after all so booked a room else where while BG was out. She never asked for a refund or anything her only mistake was maybe not telling BG she was going to sleep else where first.

BG then threw a strop (see we can both use that word) and banned op not only from any of the birthday events but tried to banish her from the area. Only after doing all of that then once op was already in for the night decided to give a pretend olive branch of after food drinks. More like a slap in the face tbh.

YANBU

Sandunesandseashells · 17/10/2022 18:49

RonSwansonsChair · 17/10/2022 15:54

Also many parents (is that the opposite of childless? childwith?) could afford this. If it was a good friend & I fancied a weekend away I would certainly do it - I have done it for my sisters & would do it for a friend).

Show quote history

Oh, absolutely, so would I.
I was just using BG as my example for age with her being described by the OP as “very adamantly child free” and all the other invitees described as childless.

DGay · 17/10/2022 18:59

NotWelcomeAtParties · 14/10/2022 15:43

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

I personally would not have anything to do with that friend. Can't even imagine kicking out my friend because she was sleeping in a different place. What the heck does it matter where someone sleeps. S
You would be with them all day just not sleep with them. It saved everyone else from tip toeing around the living room at night. They can all stay up late. She would no longer be my friend after spending all that money and travel time to come there for her birthday and sure wouldn't give her the birthday gift.

Banrockmystation · 17/10/2022 19:28

What I cannot understand is why the heck would someone sleeping in the living room on a sofa bed be expected to pay the same as everyone else?
Why are pp so insistent that the op is a monster because she did the adult thing and booked a hotel room when she found out the sleeping arrangements didn’t suit her? There’s nothing wrong with her handling of it! The majority of people who have been 8 weeks pregnant with a history of miscarriage are allowed to be tired and in need of privacy and no doesn’t need to give the BG the heads up on that!

Autumnleavesandhotchocolate · 17/10/2022 19:43

I'm missing the point of this altogether but, is there a reason she didn't pick a villa with enough proper beds/rooms? They do cater for the larger group in France.
I'm with you OP I would have expected that bed to have been sorted out well before time and not dumped on whoever got there last. I would not have been happy to pay the same as everyone else to sleep in the middle of the living room.
In this instance, the sofa bed shouldn't have counted towards the number of beds at all.

Dinomum79 · 17/10/2022 19:51

YANBU
To uninvite you was a massive overreaction. At least she should have spoken to you about it. I would be distancing myself.
Is there any history that would lead her to overreact??
good luck with the pregnancy xx

Delatron · 17/10/2022 21:09

The reason why the BG didn’t pick a villa with enough rooms is because the OP voted for the one with the sofa bed. She offered out a villa with plenty of rooms.

Delatron · 17/10/2022 21:09

I do think she overreacted but the OP did choose the sofa bed villa.

StupidSmallFruit · 17/10/2022 21:18

Autumnleavesandhotchocolate · 17/10/2022 19:43

I'm missing the point of this altogether but, is there a reason she didn't pick a villa with enough proper beds/rooms? They do cater for the larger group in France.
I'm with you OP I would have expected that bed to have been sorted out well before time and not dumped on whoever got there last. I would not have been happy to pay the same as everyone else to sleep in the middle of the living room.
In this instance, the sofa bed shouldn't have counted towards the number of beds at all.

The BG ran two options by everyone, including the OP, and they (including the OP) went for the one with the sofa bed in the communal area.

The OP just assumed she wouldn’t get the sofa bed, even though she arrived a day after everyone else.

I’m not saying this justifies the BG disinviting the OP.

Bangolads · 17/10/2022 21:39

She’s behaving like a spoilt brat. You’ve spent money to be there for her. Maybe she could have been mildly annoyed you didn’t wait around to say hello but just a wee word over some pint of the weekend would have cleared that up. Don’t bother with her.

Pompom1919 · 17/10/2022 21:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines, as we have suspicions about this user.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 17/10/2022 22:08

Best of luck with the pregnancy!

Meatymonster · 17/10/2022 22:32

BG sounds like she has some narcissist control freak issues. Needs to be the centre of attention controlling eveything. I had a friend like that and cut him off. I prefer easy going unselfish people. I cannot even get my head around disinviting someone from a party they have travelled abroad for. Cut her from your life, don't bother talking ever again.

knockyknees · 17/10/2022 22:52

XCTX · 17/10/2022 12:04

I can't believe any of you are siding with BG, like genuinely can't fathom it.

First of all a "destination birthday"? Fuck off hun.

The idea of asking all of my friends to go somewhere on their own dollar just to celebrate me and my birthday literally makes me cringe so hard I could be sick.

Second - telling OP to move on as if she owns the town OP is in? Again, fuck off.

This just smacks of her a) being an absolute birthday brat (which is something I can't stand in people) and b) being riled up by her other friends in OPs absence about her behaviour - I wouldn't want to be around any of them OP!

Glad you're home now and had a good time all things considred. I think you've been incredibly benevolent in allowing her to make this your fault.

She acted like a 12 year old birthday brat at the age of 40. I'd fuck her right off .

Exactly! As if destination weddings aren't bad enough, destination birthdays are now a thing?! How arrogant and entitled does someone have to be to think that that's a good idea?

OP, you did nothing wrong - except sending that last apology. You had/have nothing to apologise for. There'd be no coming back from this for me. The self centrerd "friend" would be an ex-friend by now.