Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

His old is the birthday girl?

It’s not mature to require permission from another adult as to where you sleep, or to demand that it needs to be given, no. In the circumstances OP needed to crack on and find somewhere with availability.

THEY ALL KNEW THE ARRANGEMENTS WHEN THEY PAID HER FOR THE BOOKING!!!!!!! Christ!!!!!! If anyone had an issue with it then was the time to speak up, even if it was "shotgun not sleeping on the sofebed"!! Not blaming OP, just cannot understand why people keep saying this. The 5 people staying there knew what the arrangements were.

A sofa bed in the living room is not a practical option for anyone, Stupid idea. To book a room somewhere else and not ask for reimbursement was ok in my eyes. Daft moo can take her tantrums elsewhere, you get a nice meal go sightseeing and forget the moos mooing

I agree. If that were the only accommodation I could find, I would ask upfront if there was anyone who didn’t mind a sofa bed and only book if someone had said they’d take it and I’d charge them less.

OP doesn't need anyone's permission to book a hotel instead of sleeping on a sofa. It's bonkers to suggest she needed to discuss anything with the BG before she booked it. It didn't inconvenience or affect BG in anyway. OP didn't ask for a refund, she just quietly solved the problem without any drama.
But to disinvite sometime from a party that they have booked flights and holiday for is full-on drama lama shitty behaviour.

Confusion101 · Today 23:30

THEY ALL KNEW THE ARRANGEMENTS WHEN THEY PAID HER FOR THE BOOKING!!!!!!! Christ!!!!!!

Good grief! Calm down and stop shouting! Everyone is entitled to an opinion, and you're far too invested in this in mine. Get a grip.

This. What other response is there?

This again until everyone gets it

Given 93% of posters have said YANBU, I’m really confused. You knew you might get the sofa. You paid under those terms. You got the sofa and threw a tantrum. Weird.

Hope and pray 🙏 you have a healthy and normal pregnancy. YANBU. What did it matter to your friend where you actually slept as long as you were there for the festivities.

She didn't throw a tantrum though, did she? She just decided that she'd rather not sleep on the sofa and booked herself into a hotel instead. The BG was the one who threw a tantrum by disinviting her even though she knew she'd spent a lot of time and money travelling to the party.

I'm with OP here. I wouldn't have wanted the sofa bed and would have done the same. BG disinviting her is really shitty behaviour, and then only inviting her to the end bit of the party is even worse in a way! Glad you didn't go to that OP.

If she was that upset she should have made time to discuss with OP there and then. As it is this would be friendship ending for me if it paid all that money and taken time off work to go.

I'd bin her, don't know how you could come back from that really.

I imagine she came back to the place and her friends told her how you turned up, and that you were pissed off at the sleeping arrangements and marched off. Your friend then felt annoyed that there was already some drama and that she’d already made everyone aware of sleeping arrangements before the trip was booked so why the issues now.

She was completely wrong and horrible to disinvite you but I think if people had planned and booked a holiday everyone agreed to only to have someone turn up and turn their nose up at it I can see how it could start the holiday off on wrong foot. That said I sort of get your pov as why suffer bad sleeps when you don’t have to. Though personally I’d have been a lot clearer about the arrangements beforehand if I were you. It seemed obvious you’d get the sofa.

I think it’s especially unfortunate that she wasn’t there when you left as I bet her friends embellished how annoyed you were at the sleeping arrangements. Some groups can get quite cliquey and bitchy.

Did she reply to your apology?

If she hasn't acknowledged your apology when you have both had a reasonable amount of time to process what's happened then drop her and let it go.

She should be apologising back to you for her part in this. She took a knee jerk reaction to what her friends said about your reaction ok arrival. She possibly was too fuming to speak to you hence being disinvited but she SHOULD have taken the time to contact you and speak about what had happened. You could have very clearly explained your perspective as you have done on here and the matter could have been very swiftly moved on from.

Hope you're feeling ok now you're back home. What does your Husband make if all this? Does he like her?

I totally agree youre in the right but l cant see how it was missed that you would more than likely end up on the sofa bed, being the last to arrive. Nobody in their right mind is going to want it as theres no privacy etc. I would have in advance explained how you really dont want the sofa bed while you are currently not drinking and going to bed early, especially when it's no cheaper (which is ridiculously unfair by the way), acknowledged that you fear you may end up stuck with it being late arrivals and said you're going to stay elsewhere, I appreciate its easy to say now but to be honest, anyone (BG) who behaves this selfishly to uninvite you from the party when you've made all the sacrifices you outlined before to attend and not ask to be reimbursed for the share in the digs would be de friended post holiday anyway. P.s this is why I dont go on holiday in groups, good luck, try to make the most of the holiday with F and avoid selfish people in the future, ditch BG trash usuall takes itself out, in her cae hopefully, shell disappear in a puff of her own self importance 😀

‘Destination Birthday’ tells you everything you need to know about this person.

@GoingOnce
which tantrum? Quietly booking an alternative sleep accommodation? Everyone knew there was a sofa and only OP had to sleep on it. She found it unbearable and booked something else. What’s a crime here?

Even though you recently forgot about the sleeping arrangements at one time she told you the two options were a bedroom with two beds or a sofa bed.

At the time did you not think you would be allocated the sofa bed as the two work colleagues would be in the bedroom?

You obviously assumed straight away that you would not be given the sofa bed as you would have asked if it was in a private room and whether you would contribute less than the others?

I would write a strong message to your “friend” explaining how much money you’ve wasted on her feast of self importance and how hurt you are of being “punished” for quietly booking an alternative comfortable sleep accommodation. Then I would tell her to never ever contact me again.

@Tootels
When sofa bed is the only one of many other (proper) rooms/options, many people wouldn’t think it would be them sleeping on it. The “Birthday Girl” had to make the plan available to guests and charge the poor sofa person less in advance!

I think your friend has over reacted and I don't really see how your being in a hotel has impacted her fun

If i were her, i would have been embarrassed that you felt uncomfortable in the accommodation

She's behaved like a child. I think id cut her out after this experience

I can't believe what a birthdayzilla BG is!

Do you think she played "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to by Lesley Gore on a loop?"

TBH she booked cheap accommodation, who the hell wants to sleep on a sofa bed in the living area with others all around in and out. She was ok though, she got the master bedroom with the en-suite.

She should've booked accommodation that ensured her guests were comfortable and not just some of them!