Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

When did OP throw a tantrum? I missed that post.

There weren't many rooms. There were 2. A 1 in 2 chance?

I know this isn't the point of the thread but this "destination birthday" thing, how old is she?

I'm just about to get on a cruise ship in Italy as it's a big birthday next week.

I'm gonna call it my destination birthday from now on. (Hopefully I won't have to kip in the lounge on a sofa).

I thought by destination you meant milestone birthday.

93% of people think yanbu.
I think you were a bit pathetic to apologise. You flew to the south of France and she ditched you, but you’re the one saying sorry.
I could never forgive her for what she’s done but as your the one to apologise you’ve just confirmed in her eyes that she was right and you were in the wrong.

See, this is what I have against grown ups making a huge deal about their birthdays. Everyone has to jump in line and march to their tune.

This.

You maybe the “bigger person” but you probably come across as a bit of a pushover too.

People who arrange big lavish celebrations for their own birthdays are usually quite twattish. She’s one of them.

There is no way I'd ever spouse to this spoilt madam. You should have stood up for yourself and not been a doormat.

Sorry to hear about your experience. Sounds like you could have both done things better and that owning up to where you overreacted or were unreasonable would be the best course if there’s any hope to save a friendship. These things happen for people to grow - so it’s up to both of you whether to take and learn from this or whether to point fingers, stay stuck and lose a friendship which may have taken years to build.

If there was a sofa bed it would seem clear that the last to arrive will end up on the sofa bed. Perhaps you could have let her know about your issues with the sofa bed before you booked and maybe that would have led your friend to book a different kind of villa? Afterall we all sometimes think it should be obvious to others how we would feel. But people are not mind readers. You feel she should have known your feelings about a the sofa bed but didn’t mention it to her before arriving and then didn’t wait for her to come back to talk about it before booking another hotel. You didn’t give your friend a chance to maybe have someone else offer to sleep on the sofa bed and inadvertently you’ve got your friend who she doesn’t know mixed up in your behaviour. Having been to a group holiday recently, group holidays are incredibly stressful on the organizer. They need to book a lot of things, sort out accomodation and hope that it works out. By checking into another hotel without chatting to your friend first just added to her stress and created tension within the group in what’s supposed to be a happy occasion.

However I think she may have gone a bit too far by disinviting you although it’s hard to know what was said and from experience of helping people to resolve conflict, if people don’t own up and take responsibility for their actions that can further the rift and create a blame situation ie you should have given me the heads up about the sofa, when in actual fact she made it pretty clear that there was a sofa bed and that it would seem logical that the last ones to arrive would sleep there. As other people have said why would you think others would want the sofa bed?

I think if you’re honest with yourself you might have a chance at saving your friendship. Guess you have to ask yourself how you could have behaved differently? And hopefully that will lead your friend to do the same and you can move on and grow from this. Good luck!

Sorry to hear about your experience. Sounds like you could have both done things better and that owning up to where you overreacted or were unreasonable would be the best course if there’s any hope to save a friendship. These things happen for people to grow - so it’s up to both of you whether to take and learn from this or whether to point fingers, stay stuck and lose a friendship which may have taken years to build.

If there was a sofa bed it would seem clear that the last to arrive will end up on the sofa bed. Perhaps you could have let her know about your issues with the sofa bed before you booked and maybe that would have led your friend to book a different kind of villa? Afterall we all sometimes think it should be obvious to others how we would feel. But people are not mind readers. You feel she should have known your feelings about a the sofa bed but didn’t mention it to her before arriving and then didn’t wait for her to come back to talk about it before booking another hotel. You didn’t give your friend a chance to maybe have someone else offer to sleep on the sofa bed and inadvertently you’ve got your friend who she doesn’t know mixed up in your behaviour. Having been to a group holiday recently, group holidays are incredibly stressful on the organizer. They need to book a lot of things, sort out accomodation and hope that it works out. By checking into another hotel without chatting to your friend first just added to her stress and created tension within the group in what’s supposed to be a happy occasion.

However I think she may have gone a bit too far by disinviting you although it’s hard to know what was said and from experience of helping people to resolve conflict, if people don’t own up and take responsibility for their actions that can further the rift and create a blame situation ie you should have given her the heads up about the sofa, when in actual fact she made it pretty clear that there was a sofa bed and that it would seem logical that the last ones to arrive would sleep there. As other people have said why would you think others would want the sofa bed?

I think if you’re honest with yourself you might have a chance at saving your friendship. Guess you have to ask yourself how you could have behaved differently? And hopefully that will lead your friend to do the same and you can move on and grow from this. Good luck!

You should have stood up for yourself and not been a doormat.

tbh I am the opposite of a doormat and am fairly stubborn and can be a bit self centred about things without always realising it.

i apologised because I do think if I’d have handled things better the situation probably would not have escalated to this point. That doesn’t absolve BG of her part in this too, of course.

over the years, I have found that a simple apology given without accusations or complaint is often enough to get people to move past their anger/disappointment so the real conversation can begin.

It's not about asking permission, it's about adult communication. The OP accepts this.

Look, BG overreacted, sure. But I understand why she was upset. People are allowed to have feelings about things.

Neither party has covered themselves in glory here. My point is it could have all been avoided by proper communication.

I think your birthday friend was really unreasonable to expect one of her friends to sleep on a sofa for the duration of the stay, I also think inviting you for after dinner drinks was just bitchy,personally I wouldn't go near her ever again

Did she reply to your apology?

She did! But I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

she thanked me for my apology and said “sorry we couldn’t spend more time together because of it.”

so basically she is saying “sorry your bad behaviour ruined things”

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I think she has been so caught up in her birthday celebrations that she hasn’t considered things from our perspective AT ALL. She really does not get it.

it’s quite strange actually because she is generally a thoughtful and considerate person to the point where my advice to her is usually that she should be more assertive when it comes to her relationships, colleagues etc

i actually want the chance to explain my side of things properly now and convey how big of a deal it has been to have come all this way then be fobbed off at the last minute. Whether this friendship can salvaged or not remains to be seen, but she really needs to know

The only time I would blow up the way BG did is if the friend in question had been a demanding, difficult pain in the ass ( consciously or unconsciously) for so long that I literally couldn’t bite my tongue anymore. I could see, under those circumstances that I could eventually snap and tell them to F off. I would never blow up like that at anyone for a one off situation, only if it had been a theme throughout our friendship and I’d finally had enough. And then I’d probably relent as the day went on and invite them to drinks because I felt bad.

she thanked me for my apology and said “sorry we couldn’t spend more time together because of it.”

so basically she is saying “sorry your bad behaviour ruined things”

Argh, this is why I begged you not to message her!

I think the apology text was the best you could have done at that point.

It feels a little bit like when I went away with a friend this summer. There were a few of us and she had some family things going on so I offered to book a two bedroom arrangement for us - on the clear understanding that one bedroom was the childs one so was likely to be smaller than the other and the person in that would pay less.

Well we got there and sure enough the twin bedroom was smaller. I offered to sleep in it myself- could have done with saving some money and the most important thing for me was not to share a room. But no she took it and proceeded to complain about it a lot. I thought she should pay a bit less than I'd originally suggested but even that seemed like it was too much for her. Meanwhile I saved a bit over having my own room but had to share the bathroom. I think she genuinely expected me to pay full whack and her the small difference.

Anyway we managed to get through it, and to be fair to her I think a lot of it was to do with other stuff going on in her life, but it was a bit annoying that as the sleeping arrangements and cost were so important to her that she didn't check them properly before committing herself, and that's probably how your friend feels.

If it's any consolation we are now friends again and don't mention it. It's sad though as I've said to DH that I'd be really reluctant to go on a trip with her again and we've done loads together over the years.

How old is she OP?

"it’s quite strange actually because she is generally a thoughtful and considerate person to the point where my advice to her is usually that she should be more assertive when it comes to her relationships, colleagues etc "

This is a really interesting comment. I suspect OP that your displeasure on countenancing the sofa bed that it was perfectly obvious you would be sleeping in was more obvious and extreme than you imagined. Either that or her work friends exaggerated it for effect to make you seem like a spoiled princess. Or maybe she'd already had complaints from those in the dorm for example and was already at the end of her tether about people seemingly unable to do their own googling of the hotel to confirm their sleeping arrangements.

At this point I'd do nothing else. Just leave her to enjoy the rest of the trip and wait and see if she initiates contact when you're back. If she does you can express your side of the story when you are together in person.

oof OP. Your friend was being very unreasonable and rude. Well done on apologising for the miscommunication, I’m not sure I would have been so gracious. By the sounds of her response i’d say she is a bit caught up in herself. Glad you had a nice time with F who sounds like a great travel buddy.

Going forward I probably wouldn’t contact her about it unless she gets in touch with you (not even to explain your side). You don’t need the extra stress and drama.

congrats on the pregnancy!

A year older than when this thread started 😂

I can’t believe that text from her.

The impression I get is that she thinks she is better than you and this may be an ongoing thing for years and years and you just haven’t realised?

Her ‘apology’ would be the last straw. You are being way too nice …. Again, is this a trait she frequently takes advantage of?!

Do not respond to that text and do not attempt any further contact. She sounds bloody awful and not a true friend at all.

I would make a guess and say she's age 2