Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

YANBU, that's no friend, travelling all that way and disinviting you!

Whatever the miscommunication about the sofa bed, she's completely overreacted.

Is it a big birthday, you must like her a lot to go all that way. She doesn't deserve your friendship.

Earlier you said

"honestly yes, I expected to be in the twin. I just assumed that the sofa bed is so crap in comparison that whoever got it would get a fair warning in advance"

But you've just said you forgot there even was a sofa bed until you got there, and you didn't expect the two girls who know each other to split up, so I'm just confused about this bit. It can't be both surely!

As it stands though I think maybe YABU a tiny bit about the sofa bed - they're not psychics and it seems obvious that you'd end up with the sofa bed tbh. However, the birthday girl is most definitely being unreasonable in her reaction. I think she's probably just feeling a bit embarrassed and is overreacting, perhaps you could have spoken to her first so she didn't think you were just going off in a strop. But you were very reasonable to just book yourself suitable accommodation and it doesn't negatively affect anyone, so what's the problem?!

Anyway, have a great holiday with F whichever way it pans out!

For those of you who can't seem to read:

OP is not complaining about the sofa. OP arrived, realised they were expected to sleep on the sofa, thought "fuck that" and made a perfect acceptable alternative arrangement.

OP did not complain about the sofa, or demand that someone swap with her. OP simply booked different accommodation.

The accommodation was around the corner. It was the perfect solution. OP got sleep and they could all hang out together.

The issue was BG who, for whatever reason, got personally insulted that OP was not willing to sleep on the sofa, and then threw all her toys out of the pram by refunding the villa costs (without being asked to) and essentially telling OP to piss off.

OP is not being entitled. OP sorted her self out with no expectations for others to help her.

OP's friend is a twat.

Did you want two people to share the sofa bed so you (one person) could have a bed and a spare one to yourself?! of course you were going to get the sofa bed. two issues here; first, you assuming youd be given a room despite being on your own and a day late, and secondly your friend for booking a place without enough rooms.

I guess it’s just strange to me that the sleeping arrangements weren’t organised properly in advance. I would have prioritised this if I was organising the trip and in fact I always do.

I travel with friends more than I travel with DH and there’s usually one room that’s better than the other in holiday accommodation. Every time I travel with a friend I always ALWAYS make sure to discuss in advance whose turn it is for the better room so there is no disappointment or friction.

it’s just unfathomable to me that there was one particularly crap sleeping option in this villa (a sofa to be used communally by 9 others) and it was just left to be dealt with ad hoc.

i mean, even if I had turned up first and got one of the beds, I would feel bad for whoever happened to be lumped with the sofa and would expect them to be miffed.

it just seems like a real oversight to me, which is why I wasn’t expecting it at all.

So if you ALWAYS discuss sleeping arrangements, why didn't you this time?

You might be very willing to put up with that, I suppose it depends what you are used to. We use companies that offer comfortable beds and bedrooms and wouldn’t dream of recommending sofa beds for fully grown adults.
Your options sound very ‘hen’ party and maybe aiming at the younger age bracket?
Maybe there is the low budget option available to keep the cost down, but it’s hardly in keeping with a long weekend in the South of France is it?
its not a wild weekend in Magaluf.

She shouldn't have booked such crap accommodation in the first place. Everyone should have their own room, or at least be able to share a twin with someone else -- with a door that shuts and prefrably an en suite.

It was very poor planning on the part of the Birthday Girl from the start.

You didn't create drama, you merely found a more suitable room nearby. She's the one creating the problem.

Honestly this is one reason I always stay in hotels. Spare me the shared toilets and the negotiations over who gets which bed.

Have you heard anything further from them?

You might be very willing to put up with that, I suppose it depends what you are used to. We use companies that offer comfortable beds and bedrooms and wouldn’t dream of recommending sofa beds for fully grown adults.
Your options sound very ‘hen’ party and maybe aiming at the younger age bracket?
Maybe there is the low budget option available to keep the cost down, but it’s hardly in keeping with a long weekend in the South of France is it?
its not a wild weekend in Magaluf.

Agree with this. At some point we outgrow the hostel mentality. Bride should have secured a rental with rooms for everyone.

It wasn’t her booking and her birthday event maybe 🤔

If I arrived a day later than the others to shared accommodation I would think, 'uh-oh, I bet I get the worst bed' - so in a way you shouldn't have been surprised.

BUT, her reaction was a massive over-reaction, and I can't see how she could expect to stay friends after banning you from the event you'd travelled all that way to attend. Diva behaviour.

Have a fabulous time with your buddy instead!

Yanbu op. Your friend should have chosen a more suitable villa. Your solution is perfectly reasonable especially given you were not expecting BG to refund any money to you. BG is being precious. Her behaviour isn't something I'd forgive as it is extremely rude.

But if you had turned up first, you clearly would have taken one of the beds without wondering if any of the others was pregnant, had a bad back or anything else.
For all you know they may have as good a reason as yours for not wanting a sofa bed.

So you can't blame the others.

So it was all booked before anyone could say no to the sofabed?

Sorry but it is the job of the host to
ensure EVERYONE is comfortable not the guests to fight it out between themselves.
Jeez.
Basic etiquette when inviting friends/family to anything overnight.

You arrived a day later than other guests and you didn't know any of them. You said Fair point about my reaction - I was visibly disappointed/you felt like bursting into tears but held back - and you left the villa. You didn't mention you'd be back again later or you'd see them later for the birthday? They must have felt extremely uncomfortable. How do you think this was relayed back to your friend when she returned? Did you say in your text that you were not going to stay in the hotel but you would be back later to see her?

As far as she's concerned, you arrived, got indignant about the sleeping arrangements and left the villa. Therefore, she returned your money and said not to worry about sticking around the town as you were no longer part of her birthday party. You are both at fault here.

The moment the sofabed was mentioned you should have clarified who was going to get it.

Assuming you weren't and trotting up a day late was an error.

YABU to think you could arrive late and have a twin bed. But she was BU as the sofa sleeper should definitely have paid less at the very least so I understand why you came to the wrong conclusion.
We had similar this summer and it ruined the holiday. Paid for a villa with friends. When we arrived, the host had pre-allocated rooms and given us the worst and another family the best. We won't be going on holiday with them again.

But they all knew there was a double bed, 2 singles and a sofa bed to sleep 5 people when they paid!

But you've just said you forgot there even was a sofa bed until you got there, and you didn't expect the two girls who know each other to split up, so I'm just confused about this bit. It can't be both surely!

its confusing because I was confused!

BG had mentioned the twin room and sofa bed in the original messages arranging the trip. I assumed the exact sleeping arrangements would be finalised prior to departure because there was one particularly crap option that would have to be addressed and I trusted that BG would sort it out. I then promptly forgot about the sofa bed altogether (my fault, I know!)

When I arrived, I was expecting to share a twin bedroom but hadn’t actually given it much thought tbh. I had no particular expectations of the others who would already be there and what arrangements they might have made, because I didn’t know them at all (except as names on the list of attendees which was sent out with the original messages).

As I said before, then you should have made arrangements beforehand. Even more so with this latest post.

Lack of preparation when you knew you had requirements is on you on this occasion.

Quite frankly, it's beyond me why you didn't.

Of op was my friend and ‘visibly upset’ my first concern would be for them and not the party. The conversation would be something like ‘Where are you? I am coming straight over to check you are okay. I am sorry about the sofa bed - obv didn’t think that through entirely’

If I were op pregnant after a miscarriage I would not have the energy or head space to be dealing with someone’s birthday bed arrangement. Like it wouldn’t even cross my mind quite frankly until the moment I arrived and realised I had the short straw. I would have done the same as op. Morning sickness and no sleep in a fully public place is so far from ideal….

Funny you should say that OP as me and DP were discussing your post on way to the shops earlier (🤓) and our logic was totally different – it struck us that it might have been weirder to allocate the sofa bed option to someone specifically (How would that be decided??) rather than just let it be worked out in a non-personal way (eg first come first serve) when you arrive. The three of you don’t know each other, so perhaps less opportunity to hash it out – although I guess this could have been done on the holiday group chat between you if there was one? Can totally imagine the train of thought of just let people pick beds when they get there, it’s fairer (and less awkward, as clearly you would not have wanted to be told that you’d been specifically chosen to have the sofabed).

The sleeping arrangements were shit and she organised it. She probably took offence that you didn’t tell her your issues and just went off and booked a new room. There’s no way on earth I’d pay to sleep on a sofa bed in a lounge on holiday but I would have said that at the time of booking. Neither were right or wrong but her reaction was totally savage. She should have just called you to chat not uninvited you to the birthday! Absolutely bonkers, she can shove her party and her shitty sofa bed up her arse.

Not their job to work out the arrangements! Most people would assume this would be raised and organised before the event.

Why were all guests charged the same despite the huge discrepancy in accommodation experience and quality?