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Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

987 replies

NotWelcomeAtParties · 14/10/2022 15:43

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

5303 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
Turnaroundandigone · 14/10/2022 15:46

You're not wrong. I don't understand why she is upset, it's ridiculous.

1FootInTheRave · 14/10/2022 15:46

She's a stupid twat.

Travis1 · 14/10/2022 15:46

Fuck that. And like fuck would I ‘move on’ enjoy your break, return the gift and block her

NameChangeLifeChange · 14/10/2022 15:48

She’s a dickhead. Return the gift and have a nice holiday with F.

Iamnotalemming · 14/10/2022 15:50

BG sounds like an entitled selfish twat. See if you can return the gift, or if not, ebay. You and F should go for a lovely dinner somewhere and forget about BG.

SecretWorrier · 14/10/2022 15:50

I had this sofa thing. We aren't friends any more.

Redrry · 14/10/2022 15:52

Omg! Yes you and F have great time together and stick the present on eBay if you can't get a refund, that's just awful. I wouldn't be talking to her about it either, the damage is done

AlwaysOneMissing · 14/10/2022 15:52

I’m intrigued to know what she’s so angry and upset about! Oh and YADNBU.

MintChocCornetto · 14/10/2022 15:54

Christ what a bitch.

No YANBU. Enjoy your weekend with your friend! Sorry your friend is being weird.

MysteriousMonkey · 14/10/2022 15:54

YANBU I second returning the gift, have a nice time with F and don't worry about BG

CrapBucket · 14/10/2022 15:55

Surely you didn't expect the twin room, knowing F was in a dorm so there was only one of you? I'd have expected the sofa bed. And how unhappy were you - how did you react? Were others there (the people who let you in) and did it make them feel awkward?

NotWelcomeAtParties · 14/10/2022 15:55

You're not wrong. I don't understand why she is upset, it's ridiculous.

I think she had a certain vision for her birthday in mind, of everyone all together and we’ve dashed that somewhat by staying elsewhere and splitting up the group. But we are literally around the corner!

From her messages this morning I also think she was offended we didn’t wait for her to get back from sightseeing and just buggered off (which is fair) but we were tired and just wanted to check in somewhere ASAP and relax after travelling. We were concerned we would have trouble finding another hotel with availability too.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/10/2022 15:55

To be honest, I would go fully ballistic. What a selfish cow, expecting everyone to traipse around her because it's her 'birthday' (is she 12?!) and not even warning you that you might end up on the sofa. Check that she has actually refunded your money then tell her to fuck right off, princess.

Homewardbound2022 · 14/10/2022 15:55

Sofa? How dare she.
She is no friend of yours.

Bramshott · 14/10/2022 15:56

If I've read it right you didn't even ask her to return your villa contribution?!

AriettyHomily · 14/10/2022 15:56

Enjoy your holiday without a shitty birthday party to attend. Return the gift (or keep it if you like it!).

Arnaquer · 14/10/2022 15:57

She did say someone would have the sofa bed, why did you assume it wouldn't be you? As you were last to arrive it would have been fairly obvious it would be you. If you felt that strongly about it you should have said about sooner.
Are the birthday celebrations taking place at the villa? She probably feels you are messing her plans up.

TwitTw00 · 14/10/2022 15:57

She's completely unreasonable in her response (and in having a 'destination birthday' to be honest) and whoever got the sofa should have paid a lot less but I agree with her that the sofa was clearly a possibility. Why did you not confirm that you'd have one of the twin beds before you went if you felt so strongly about it? Why do you think any of the other guests would want to sleep on the sofa any more than you would? You must have realised there was a 1 in 3 chance you'd end up in the sofa.

Campervangirl · 14/10/2022 15:57

I'll add my own fuck that!
It's a nasty and spiteful thing to uninvite you to the event when you've made the effort and sucked up the cost of the trip.
I'd be furious and I wouldn't be sorting it out when you get home.
I'd reply and put her straight on that

FlowerArranger · 14/10/2022 15:58

I can't get over the fact that your good friend not only gave up earnings and paid for flights and hotel, but also contributed to a really good gift, even though he barely knows your birthday friend.

I'd focus on this friendship rather than her, as she seems oblivious, entitled and selfish.

But do return the gift!

Billybagpuss · 14/10/2022 15:58

I think you did the right thing but can understand why she was upset, but I think I’d struggle to move on from getting all the way to France and then be uninvited from the party.

gamerchick · 14/10/2022 15:58

Tell her to get fucked and enjoy some time where you are with your friend. Treat it like a little holiday.

I'd consider this friendship over me. You don't treat friends like that.

MyrrAgain · 14/10/2022 15:59

She's annoyed you "rejected" her and all her big plans and won't play ball with her authority. Probably turning up later than the others meant you got lumped with the shit sleeping option as you weren't around to argue your place, and if you're not using a bed the 1st night makes sense someone else just takes it.

But yeah you are not being unreasonable. She's been rather immature - trying to throw her authority around so she doesn't loose face.

Namechangeforthis88 · 14/10/2022 15:59

This is why I have strict ground rules now for any holiday that is not booked by myself or DH, even when the accommodation is free, as it stills costs you travel and annual leave. And you have to keep you gob shut when it's totally unsuitable or you look ungrateful. Cost is the best part of a grand once to go on holiday with my parents and we were meant to put DS down in our bed, then move him to the sofa bed after everyone has gone to bed. But as he wakes early I want to go to bed earlier than my parents, and farting about making up a sofa bed in the middle of the night is not my idea of a holiday.

It's a pity but it is hard to imagine the friendship recovering from this.

anniesbike · 14/10/2022 15:59

I think she's overreacting. However, I'd have done a few things differently: I'd have got in touch immediately when I decided not to use the sofa to make it clear that you weren't angry/to smooth things over/to open up a gentle discussion about it. I wouldn't just have left it - that makes it possible for her to think that you're really pissed off but not 'mature enought' to discuss it.

Secondly, I think it's really odd that you didn't discuss where you'd sleep before hand. If you knew there were five people going there and you knew what the available 'beds' were like, why didn't you start a discussion about that long before you got there? Seems very odd given that you say that you're a light sleeper etc. Not doing that could probably be interpreted as you don't care where you sleep.

Pity that it ended up like this. If she's a good friend I'd try to put it behind you, perhaps better when you get back given that it seems very infected now. Hope you can have a nice evening anyway!

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