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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

696 replies

partie · 14/10/2022 15:09

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second.

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is.

YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay
YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

OP posts:
RoachTheHorse · 14/10/2022 15:11

I preferred whoever does the inviting on early dates to pay. Less about male female and more about "taking someone out". Always equally happy to split too.

I've been off the dating scene for over 15 years now though so well out of the loop

CheezePleeze · 14/10/2022 15:11

YABU. I mean he could give all the same reasons for wanting you to pay, couldn't he?

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/10/2022 15:12

I don’t care, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting him to pay, long as you pick it up next time.

LordEmsworth · 14/10/2022 15:12

I hate the idea that someone else is funding me. A stranger at that.

A partner supporting you is entirely different to a man paying for my company or to try to impress me.

How do you intend to prove to him that you are not stingy or grasping, have a genuine interest in him, and will help him out if he becomes jobless in future? Or is it all one way?

RagingWoke · 14/10/2022 15:14

Wanting someone to pay because you might want them to bankroll you eventually is weird. It makes you seem grabby and entitled.

If you want a man to pay fine, but own it and make your intentions clear but also accept that buying you a meal and supplementing your income aren't the same thing.

GetThatHelmetOn · 14/10/2022 15:14

I agree with you. Normally it costs the woman more to meet (from clothes to babysitting, we also earn far less by doing the same job as a man) going halves on first date just support this crazy model.

And yes, I agree with you that you can get a good idea on how stingy people are by seeing them how they behave when the bill is put on the table.

KitsyWitsy · 14/10/2022 15:14

I prefer him to pay for the entirety of the relationship. The guy I’m seeng now earns about £140k. I earn about 30k. So it’s ludicrous and unfair to expect me to pay.

i would if I was dating some on equal income though.

housemaus · 14/10/2022 15:16

it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate

This is QUITE the stretch. Surely you could more easily argue that people who split the bill are more likely to see future finances as joint and financial obligations as shared responsibilities?

He could also say "I prefer to split the bill on the first date because it signals a woman who isn't expecting performative unspoken financial tests to see whether I'm a worthwhile partner to fund her in future"...

CandyLeBonBon · 14/10/2022 15:16

Yabu. There might not be a second date and that'd be unfair.

sunshineandstrawberryjam · 14/10/2022 15:16

I don't think I'd like it if a man paid. I'd feel like I was being treated like a commodity to be bought and would worry he'd have expectations or a sense I owed him something because he'd paid. I'd always expect to split costs until I know someone better.

Testina · 14/10/2022 15:16

CheezePleeze · 14/10/2022 15:11

YABU. I mean he could give all the same reasons for wanting you to pay, couldn't he?

This.

Also, leaving aside my personal view that this is 2022, how does a man paying even provide that indicator that you think it does?

Don’t you know that the biggest arseholes around - full on financial abuse - are actually the ones most likely to pay on the first date? There’s a reason they’re able to reel women in in the first place.

Got start a poll, “women who have posted about financial issues with your partner - how many of you paid on the first date?”
See what they say.

It’s not that far off saying, “I never give a second date to a man that punches me on the first, cos I don’t want to date a physically abusive man.”

Coyoacan · 14/10/2022 15:18

You want a mind-reader, OP, because you've made up your own rules

gannett · 14/10/2022 15:19

have a genuine interest in me

They don't have a proper interest in you on a first date whether they pay or not. They don't actually know you. They have a mild interest in you and the purpose of going on multiple dates is to see whether that deepens into proper interest.

It's beyond bizarre to me that I should pay for someone I barely know and so I don't expect it of them.

Men and women who are invested in the man paying on the first date are only revealing that they're invested in traditional gender roles. When I was dating, that was a red flag to me. I didn't want any long-term relationship I had to have anything to do with traditional gender roles. If that's what you're into, crack on. I just wouldn't be surprised if those traditional gender roles come back to bite you down the road when it comes to division of household labour, career expectations and child-rearing.

7Worfs · 14/10/2022 15:19

When I was young and poor I always insisted on paying for my meal.

If I ever have to date again (as older and well-earning) I’d expect my date to pay, to weed out stingy men and deadbeats.

Original poster
partie · 14/10/2022 15:19

To clarify, I am not saying I expect the man to pay or that men are obligated only that it is my preference for the reasons above.

To me it would be a red flag if he didn't let me pay on the second after he paid for the first which would also be my preference.

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 14/10/2022 15:21

I’m happily married but if I were dating I wouldn’t pay on a first date.

If he didn’t offer to pay then we aren’t a good match as we don’t share the same traditional values.

CheezePleeze · 14/10/2022 15:21

GetThatHelmetOn · 14/10/2022 15:14

I agree with you. Normally it costs the woman more to meet (from clothes to babysitting, we also earn far less by doing the same job as a man) going halves on first date just support this crazy model.

And yes, I agree with you that you can get a good idea on how stingy people are by seeing them how they behave when the bill is put on the table.

And yes, I agree with you that you can get a good idea on how stingy people are by seeing them how they behave when the bill is put on the table.

Stingy like the OP you mean?

ArialAnna · 14/10/2022 15:22

YABU. I mean he could give all the same reasons for wanting you to pay, couldn't he?

Yes, but statistically speaking, women are more likely to be compromised financially, having children and taking time out of the workplace to look after them. It's not fair but that is still the way it plays out for the majority. Therefore I agree with the OP that a man paying on the first date is a plus point in their favour - shows they are generous and able to share.

If however a women is planning to remain child free (note, I said 'planning'), then I think it would be a bit unreasonable - there's no reason the man should offer to pay first.

luxxlisbon · 14/10/2022 15:24

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate.

So surely it shows him the opposite if we are following that logic?

I think it makes way more sense for first dates in particular to be split. No one should be shortchanged on a date purely because of gender. After a few dates when you know each other then treating each other is nice.

The idea that the man should pay don’t apply if you want a society that is equal imo. It harks back to a day when women had little money if they own.

Roundaboot · 14/10/2022 15:24

CheezePleeze · 14/10/2022 15:21

And yes, I agree with you that you can get a good idea on how stingy people are by seeing them how they behave when the bill is put on the table.

Stingy like the OP you mean?

Show quote history

Exactly! If a man doesn't pay he's stingy but it's not stingy for a woman not to?!

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2022 15:24

I insisted on splitting with DH. He tried to pay. Then we did turn about.

Not only does he share finances, he also does more than his share of housework. And is very generous and kind.

You theory doesn't stand up at all OP.

SnarkyBag · 14/10/2022 15:24

A man who pays on the first date will support you in left when you need it but a man who insists on paying for the second date also is a red flag. Jeez what made up nonsense is this?!!

i think you have a skewed idea of what signals to look out for!

NoSquirrels · 14/10/2022 15:24

I’m married so I’m not dating. But I’d much prefer to pay my way on the first and indeed subsequent dates because I don’t like feeling beholden, and I’d rather we started off as equals. And at this stage of my life if I was getting into a new relationship I wouldn’t be expecting it to be one of shared finances or financial support at any point in the future.

Testina · 14/10/2022 15:25

partie · 14/10/2022 15:19

To clarify, I am not saying I expect the man to pay or that men are obligated only that it is my preference for the reasons above.

To me it would be a red flag if he didn't let me pay on the second after he paid for the first which would also be my preference.

Didn’t “let you pay” ?

I’ve only once had a man successful not “let” me pay. Despite me three times explain that I would only be comfortable splitting our pub meal on a first date when we ordered, he went to the bar well before the end of the meal when I was in the loo and paid up in advance.

I told him exactly why he wasn’t getting the second date he wanted, that I only dated people who listened to me, and cared about my feelings.

Not sure how you usually are not allowed to pay though, @partie ?

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 14/10/2022 15:25

I've always insisted on going halves. I don't want to be paid for or owe anything in kind.

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