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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

696 replies

partie · 14/10/2022 15:09

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second.

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is.

YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay
YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

OP posts:
buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 15:26

Dutch all the way. Every time. Except for birthday celebrations.

bettyfretty · 14/10/2022 15:26

I don't think I have ever paid on a first date before however I have always offered to split it. I don't expect anyone to pay for me. Also times are hard, a lot are struggling financially.

Also I think if you are the one to ask for the date then you should offer to pay or at least split it.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 14/10/2022 15:26

..........Settles in with popcorn..... 🍿

Cosycover · 14/10/2022 15:28

When women have equality, I'll happily pay. Until then....nah.

luxxlisbon · 14/10/2022 15:29

To clarify, I am not saying I expect the man to pay or that men are obligated only that it is my preference for the reasons above.

You aren’t saying you expect it, you’re just saying you prefer it and it’s a red flag if they don’t because it means they are stingy, wouldn’t do joint finances and wouldn’t support you if you lost your job?

bettyfretty · 14/10/2022 15:30

partie · 14/10/2022 15:19

To clarify, I am not saying I expect the man to pay or that men are obligated only that it is my preference for the reasons above.

To me it would be a red flag if he didn't let me pay on the second after he paid for the first which would also be my preference.

Why is it a red flag if he wants to pay for a second date?

Gosh I'm glad I'm not dating, absolutely everything anyone says or does is going to become a red flag sooner or later.....

ilovesooty · 14/10/2022 15:31

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/10/2022 15:12

I don’t care, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting him to pay, long as you pick it up next time.

Which is all very well if there is a second date.

I think women who prefer not to split the bill are grabby quite frankly.

GetThatHelmetOn · 14/10/2022 15:32

CheezePleeze · 14/10/2022 15:21

And yes, I agree with you that you can get a good idea on how stingy people are by seeing them how they behave when the bill is put on the table.

Stingy like the OP you mean?

Show quote history

Whatever way we put it, women are always worse off financially or dealing with far more responsibilities. I am more than happy to pay if I can see that I earn more but that’s rarely the case.

My ex and I were equals, same salary, split expenses by half… he still ran out with all the money.

Second time, I still went Dutch even when the guy was earning several times more than I. Didn’t stop him suspecting me of being a gold digger even when I didn’t give a flying fig about his money.

So no… I don’t offer to split the bill on the first date anymore because that gives me the opportunity to see what kind of stinginess/generosity the guy carries with him before we take things further. If they don’t want to see me again that’s fine.

CheezePleeze · 14/10/2022 15:33

Also, how would online dating work? I mean there’s not always a second date if they’re incompatible.

it could get very expensive.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 14/10/2022 15:34

This can't be serious surely?

VeridicalVagabond · 14/10/2022 15:37

DH and I always went Dutch right from the start, and he's an incredibly generous and non-stingy person. Just happily supported me not working for 3 months purely because I needed a break. Literally just let me have a 3 month holiday because I felt like it.

Whether or not a man will foot the bill on date one is basically irrelevant to how they'll behave as a life partner because they're not your life partner at that point.

Whistlesandbell · 14/10/2022 15:37

My DH and I were both skint when we went on our first date, he bought a round of two soft drink, I did the same and then we had our first kiss. That was 28 years ago.

ilovesooty · 14/10/2022 15:38

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 14/10/2022 15:34

This can't be serious surely?

It obviously is. Some of the grabby women have already revealed themselves too.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/10/2022 15:39

Your attitude would be a red flag to me. Why would you not pay for yourself while out with a stranger? He might not want a second date.

burnoutbabe · 14/10/2022 15:39

Do people go for meals for first dates? Mind boggles!

Always just coffee /drinks and alternate rounds.
Can't stand women who think men should pay, it just puts us all back 50 years.

Naunet · 14/10/2022 15:40

I do the same as you. Not the man paying first part particularly, but the taking it in turns, so that you both get to feel a bit treated.

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 15:41

I don't share finances with my boyfriend. We split things roughly 50:50. We aren't sitting counting to the penny but he gets dinner, then I do, or he gets lunch and I get dinner and next time we swap.

If we go away we split the cost of travel and accommodation absolutely 50:50.

We always did 50/50 right from the start. I wouldn't be with him if he hadn't done that as I wouldn't want to feel beholden to someone on a first date. Especially if it turned out to be crap.

HangOnToYourself · 14/10/2022 15:42

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate

All of this is true if you split the bill though surely? Men used to be expected to pay because they were the breadwinners but now women have much more earning potential why should they? If both parties are earning they should both pay

Original poster
partie · 14/10/2022 15:42

I don't think a man should I am just saying it's my personal preference and I always pick up the tab on the second

There are a lot of women who are posting here saying that a man should pay. This is not my opinion but I am also not judging.

OP posts:
EmilyGilmoresSass · 14/10/2022 15:43

KitsyWitsy · 14/10/2022 15:14

I prefer him to pay for the entirety of the relationship. The guy I’m seeng now earns about £140k. I earn about 30k. So it’s ludicrous and unfair to expect me to pay.

i would if I was dating some on equal income though.

You can't be serious

SpinningFloppa · 14/10/2022 15:45

yes I would rather the man paid, my sister won’t even go on dates with men unless they are paying

orbitalcrisis · 14/10/2022 15:45

And what do you do on the first date to signal those things back to your date?

Sellorkeep · 14/10/2022 15:46

Feel free to put your post (or the gist of it) on your OLD profiles. It’s nice to to let guys know you are measuring them up for financial security from date 1. 🚩🚩🚩

1Dream · 14/10/2022 15:46

Why? YOu ate the food so you can pay for it 🙄 people with your mentality annoy me

luxxlisbon · 14/10/2022 15:47

SpinningFloppa · 14/10/2022 15:45

yes I would rather the man paid, my sister won’t even go on dates with men unless they are paying

What does she do, text them before asking if they are planning to pay for her?