to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

[partie]

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second.

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is.

YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay
YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

Maybe I’ll be extra entitled and ask for both!

@RockingMyFiftiesNot no worries

In fairness, its your approach that creates the faff.
Most of the men you know are happy to pay on the first date. But only for those women who don't want them to.
Seems to me, men need to decide on their approach and stick with it. Either they're happy to pay on a first date, or they think it should be 50/50.
All this business of waiting for a woman to prove she doesn't expect it before swooping in with the 11th hour offer when she gets her purse out seems like a lot of unnecessary game playing to me.

Honestly this is such nonsense.

Most of the men you know are happy to pay on the first date. True

But only for those women who don't want them to. What?

Seems to me, men need to decide on their approach and stick with it. Either they're happy to pay on a first date, or they think it should be 50/50. We've already established, most men will expect to pay for the first date (unnecessarily in my opinion) and the rest will accept 50/50. I doubt many men insist on 50/50 on a first date. Its their date (women like me) who would insist on such, for our own (legitimate) reasons.

All this business of waiting for a woman to prove she doesn't expect it before swooping in with the 11th hour offer when she gets her purse out seems like a lot of unnecessary game playing to me. Bullshit. As stated a man will usually expect to pay on a first date. Unnecessarily in my opinion, but there we go. Nobody is waiting or swooping.

What don't you get?? I don't expect a man to pay, and am happy to to my way. He gets a round, I get a round.

It's a few drinks for fuck sake. What is so difficult to understand??

Sorry, I think you're misunderstanding or I've not been clear enough. I'm not interested in games as a first date is supposed to be fun.

I would always expect to pay, simply because it's easier and (as this discussion proves) there's no consensus with women. As a result you run the risk of offence and that's worse to me than walking away with the feeling you've been imposed on.

At the end of a meal I would personally ask about the bill out of respect. You do run the risk of an awkward moment but at least you have something to go on and you give your date some control of the outcome. To me, it is inequitable to decide for your date. Isn't this what equality is about? The outcome might not be equal but bulldozing the bill payment isn't equality.

For me at least, this is when you get an impression of the person you're dating. I would genuinely offer to pay but not at the expense of offending. As I've said before, it's immaterial who pays but important that it's consensual. For my OH and I, the compromise was that she paid the tip. Fine by me. If she'd insisted on paying. Fine too.

Ultimately the point isn't that men sort out what they want and then force this onto women. It's about respecting your date enough to enable choice. No-one I know ever gets into a situation trying to work out the other person's expectations/intentions. By the time you've worked it out it's sadly too late and your wallet is £200 lighter. We're discussing preferences and mine is that gender expectations are unattractive.

A man has grown up convinced that the main responsibility to raise the kids, do the house chores and take a step back in their career for the sake of the family falls on the woman.

If man then insists in splitting the bill for two coffees from the get go, you know you are not starting with equality, he is taking the piss even if he doesn’t know it.

All the men in my life have been very independent and self sufficient, they cook, help with my boy, were wonderful at DIY, etc. The bog standard husband that I see around me is lazy by a big stretch but their wives are still claiming he is a “great dad” just because he can take the kids to the park for an hour on the weekend or put them to bed a couple of days a week… while mum is also working long hours and doing well over 50% of the house chores and child rearing.

Yep, let’s split the bill, when the vast majority of the men stop treating their wives as PAs they can be loving to.

Personally, I offered to split the bill. If they said yes, there was no other date, I can pay for my own coffee but when I was dating I was looking for a team player, not a flat mate.

i suppose how are we defining FIRST DATE

I did online dating - and i met say 50 men over the few years i did it. All drinks after work generally or at weekend.

Never a meal.

So to those, i don;t really see them as DATES - they were meet ups to establish if we fancy each other and want to go out again.

and each time it was one person bought a round, then the other etc.

I think most posters here are thinking a first date is 2 people meeting at a party and exchaning numbers etc. rather than 2 strangers meeting up to check that the other person is actually what they showeed themselves on the dating site!

Must be.

And yes, is there a problem with my old salary? Or just something else for you to argue about?

That's a bit vague without the context.

I also agree with another poster that women without children cannot comment...on the experience of raising a child

Is not unreasonable. I mean, have an opinion, but appreciate you're expressing an opinion with zero experience or knowledge of a situation, that a parent does.

And not the same as

I also agree with another poster that women without children cannot comment...on who pays for a first date

Is in contrast, very unreasonable.

So it was the latter?

I would prefer a man to pay for a first date, it feels like old fashioned dating etiquette (I'm no longer young lol). As much people dislike the old type of man and wife roles now there is a lot that still appeals to me about them. Might be because I've been a single parent for a long time, someone to lean on a bit seems appealing these days!

Tell you what why dont you read the thread, instead of keep asking me to go back and look up posts, because to be honest I'm bored of this conversation now and its fairly irrelevant whether or not someone has children as to who pays on the first date so it shouldn't even be bought into the conversation.

But this is MN so you know lets talk down to and patronise childless women

To be honest we are never going to agree because you think its okay to expect a man to pay for you because you dont want to work and I am not a gold digger so I have no interest in futhering the conversation.

That's kind of my point. I have read the thread and could not find your claim that women without children were not allowed an opinion. Me asking you to produce this, is not because I haven't looked. You've quoted part of a sentence without the rest of which, shows nothing.

Re-above, I think someone on here said she never really factored in the concept of men's potential attitudes towards being a financial provider when she was dating because she was absolutely certain she never wanted children so, to her, it was irrelevant.
Then someone else said something along the lines of life changes when you have kids and women generally bear the brunt, so unless you've gone through that, you wouldn't really understand how children can change the dynamic in a relationship.

I think it was just that. Nobody said child-free women can't state their dating preferences!

@TwinsAndTiramisu

Here is one of the quotes

And another, some women aren't allowed an opinion?

Because @Cuppasoupmonster decides!

@TwinsAndTiramisu

The fact he is at Oxford is relevant how?

Is taken their girlfriends up The Shard a euphemism?

😀

Well this doesn't say that childless women aren't allowed an opinion at all!!

It say's that someone who isn't a mother can't really know how something works for a mother! It's no different to an NHS worker stating to a non NHS worker that without working for the NHS, you can't really understand the real dynamic. This is not telling someone they aren't allowed an opinion.

Jeez. There's some straw clutching going on here.

Comment on what? Their lived experience of raising a child?

Wasn't it the OXO tower?

"The fact he is at Oxford is relevant how?

Is taken their girlfriends up The Shard a euphemism?"

Its not relevant, but I think I was replying to someone saying students in universities are totally different to the way us MNers in our 40s/50s were at uni because now everything is very 50/50 on dates and they have no concept of anything ride. I agree young people are very different, but from what I can see, DS and his friends do have a concept of taking a girl on a date and they are only 19.

*no concept of anything else! Sorry.