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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

696 replies

partie · 14/10/2022 15:09

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second.

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is.

YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay
YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

OP posts:
Original poster
partie · 14/10/2022 15:48

@orbitalcrisis I don't signal to him that I want him to pay because I want it to be his choice. If he want's to split I am prepared and happy to pay my share. This is not about getting a free meal, it's about the qualities I look for in a partner.

I have also gone on second dates with people who have split the bill, it is not a deal breaker, but it is a preference for sure.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 14/10/2022 15:50

luxxlisbon · 14/10/2022 15:47

What does she do, text them before asking if they are planning to pay for her?

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Only dates wealthy guys she’s never been on a date with a man that hasn’t offered to pay, she still laughs about the time I went to the cinema and the guy didn’t pay!

5128gap · 14/10/2022 15:50

Testina · 14/10/2022 15:25

Didn’t “let you pay” ?

I’ve only once had a man successful not “let” me pay. Despite me three times explain that I would only be comfortable splitting our pub meal on a first date when we ordered, he went to the bar well before the end of the meal when I was in the loo and paid up in advance.

I told him exactly why he wasn’t getting the second date he wanted, that I only dated people who listened to me, and cared about my feelings.

Not sure how you usually are not allowed to pay though, @partie ?

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Its easy enough for them. Resturant staff most often offer the bill to the person who requests it f (and failing that, to the man), and short of wrestling it off him to calculate your share, or trying to get your card on the reader before he does like some weird game of snap, the jobs done.
Most people don't want to get into prolonged arguments in restaurants while the staff hover over them, so if either party is sufficiently insistent, in reality, it's very hard for the other to force them to split the bill.
I suppose you could always take cash to shove into his top pocket as a last resort before you storm out in principle. But most people don't.

orbitalcrisis · 14/10/2022 15:52

And how do you show that you are interested and would be willing to support them during hard times? Or is it only them that has to prove themself?

Naunet · 14/10/2022 15:53

orbitalcrisis · 14/10/2022 15:52

And how do you show that you are interested and would be willing to support them during hard times? Or is it only them that has to prove themself?

By paying for the second date presumably.

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/10/2022 15:53

It's all very well saying you'll pay on the second date but what if there isn't one? And every time that guy goes on a first date that doesn't turn into a second, he is paying. Times are hard for everyone and you can't know what someone else earns/whether they earn more than you unless you ask.

mam0918 · 14/10/2022 15:54

Litrally every single thing you said as your argument also applies to the men needing those things from you.

In fact its far MORE likely that a woman would expect the man to be the sole breadwinner while she lives a life of lesure so really you should be proving your NOT that type that expects the man to be a walking ATM while you just show up and look pretty.

Its also FAR more common for a woman to use a man for free drinks and food on a date when shes not actually interested.

He should be more warey of you for the fact you think you shouldnt have to dip into your purse.

What you're saying with this view is you are 'for sale' and expect to be bought and kept like a pet... pretty gross really.

Rooster67 · 14/10/2022 15:55

Happy to split, happy to let him pay only if I’m up for a second date so can pay then.

mam0918 · 14/10/2022 15:55

follow up: unless you show your interest with physicality in which case theres a name for that.

washingbasketqueen · 14/10/2022 15:57

Yabu. When I met my dh for our first date I bought the first drinks (then we took it in turns- we didn't have a meal). Later down the line he said he loved the fact that I offered- showed I was an independent woman who can pay her way. He'd been out on many dates where women over offered and he always had to ixl up the bill.

Discovereads · 14/10/2022 15:58

It doesn’t matter who pays on first date or later dates.
What concerns me is the symbolism you have attached to the whole thing.
Saying that paying on the first date means…
they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

When no, him paying for the first date doesn’t mean any of that at all, and then you said
To me it would be a red flag if he didn't let me pay on the second after he paid for the first which would also be my preference.

A red flag? Really?

This all sounds a bit ritualistic almost like an OCD sufferer who thinks they have to flip a light switch 3 times before leaving it on to ensure the light won’t explode.

You really should not be attaching so much meaning to it.

mast0650 · 14/10/2022 15:59

I think both sides should offer to pay to show generosity. Then after a brief discussion they should agree to split equally (NOT only paying what they ate - that is stingy). Or possibly agreeing that one will pay this time and one next time (provided things have gone well and a next time is expected!). Maybe the better off should pay first, especially if a fairly expensive place. There should absolutely not be any gender inequality in expectations of behaviour. Why should there be?

Naunet · 14/10/2022 15:59

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/10/2022 15:53

It's all very well saying you'll pay on the second date but what if there isn't one? And every time that guy goes on a first date that doesn't turn into a second, he is paying. Times are hard for everyone and you can't know what someone else earns/whether they earn more than you unless you ask.

For me I tend to split the first date but then take it in turns after that so we both feel treated. I wouldn’t let a man pay for everything on a first date if I didn’t want to see him again, that’s for sure!

HangOnToYourself · 14/10/2022 16:00

But saying you will pay on the second date is a total cop out because more often than not there ismt a second date

Naunet · 14/10/2022 16:00

mam0918 · 14/10/2022 15:55

follow up: unless you show your interest with physicality in which case theres a name for that.

Err, I don’t think we need to slut shame women for having their own sexuality. That attitude also belongs in the past.

wordler · 14/10/2022 16:02

I'm not single right now but I prefer to do something low-key and not expensive on a first date (unless I already know them really well) - like a coffee, nice walk with an ice cream, etc. So it doesn't really matter who pays - it doesn't feel like an obligation.

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 16:04

mam0918 · 14/10/2022 15:55

follow up: unless you show your interest with physicality in which case theres a name for that.

You what?!

If I want casual sex with someone on a first date I'll have it.

What a 1950s attitude and disgusting slut shaming.

mam0918 · 14/10/2022 16:04

Naunet · 14/10/2022 16:00

Err, I don’t think we need to slut shame women for having their own sexuality. That attitude also belongs in the past.

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Expecting and man to pay money or goods (such as food and drink) and repaying with sex is prostitution... simple fact.

Unless you want to go fancy and call it Escorting because its a 'date'.

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 16:06

Prostitutes don't show their interest with physicality and go on dates ffs.

Glitterb · 14/10/2022 16:06

As per pp I never choose anything extravagant on a first date; usually a coffee or quick drink but nearly always the man will offer to pay. I will always offer to buy the next coffee etc. My boyfriend now barely ever lets me pay, in fact he hates it.

Naunet · 14/10/2022 16:07

mam0918 · 14/10/2022 16:04

Expecting and man to pay money or goods (such as food and drink) and repaying with sex is prostitution... simple fact.

Unless you want to go fancy and call it Escorting because its a 'date'.

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That’s not what you said though. If a woman wants to show her interest with sex, she’s perfectly free to do so with a consenting partner.

mam0918 · 14/10/2022 16:07

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 16:06

Prostitutes don't show their interest with physicality and go on dates ffs.

Your very naive, theres a multibillion doller industry built on the 'girlfriend experiance' where man pay for expensive 'dates' to get sex for women.

mam0918 · 14/10/2022 16:08

Naunet · 14/10/2022 16:07

That’s not what you said though. If a woman wants to show her interest with sex, she’s perfectly free to do so with a consenting partner.

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The WHOLE thread is about her wanting him to pay.

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 16:08

That's still prostitution though @mam0918 And isn't going on a date and having sex on a first date.

I've done that with my current boyfriend and I always paid my own way.

Naunet · 14/10/2022 16:09

mam0918 · 14/10/2022 16:08

The WHOLE thread is about her wanting him to pay.

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I replied to YOUR comment, saying there is a name for women who express their interest with sex. If that’s not what you meant, then fair enough. If it is what you meant, then your attitude is also sexist and outdated.