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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to prefer a man to pay on the first date?

696 replies

partie · 14/10/2022 15:09

I am a woman. I barely go in first dates. When I do I always offer to split and my offer is genuine, and I become prepared to split but I always prefer they pay for the first date and then I grab the second.

The main reasons for this is that is shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate. This is security I need from a relationship and it would work both ways.

Do you prefer a man to pay on the first date? I am not asking if men should or are obligated, only what your preference is.

YABU- I prefer to split/ I pay
YANBU - I would prefer the man pays

OP posts:
inheritanceshiteagain · 14/10/2022 19:15

Yes, let him pay and if he's that type, he'll think you owe him something! First date never.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 14/10/2022 19:15

buggeredmyleg · 14/10/2022 16:04

You what?!

If I want casual sex with someone on a first date I'll have it.

What a 1950s attitude and disgusting slut shaming.

Show quote history

LOL Grin It's ALWAYS the 1950s! You know these attitudes existed in other decades right???

IntentionalError · 14/10/2022 19:15

I would always insist on splitting on the first date, for two reasons :

1, To demonstrate that I have my own money, and that I neither need nor want to be supported by a man.

2, As a test. If he accepts my wish to split with no more that an polite ‘are you sure?’, good. If he argues and tries to take a dominant role by insisting on paying, I know he is a sexist arsehole who does not truly see women as equals, so there will not be a second date.

AhNowTed · 14/10/2022 19:17

@IntentionalError

"1, To demonstrate that I have my own money, and that I neither need nor want to be supported by a man. "

ABSOLUTELY!

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 14/10/2022 19:17

I have to ask what someone asked earlier... Do people REALLY go for expensive meals on first dates? I mean they do on the telly, (on the First Dates Hotel) but we all know the makers of the show picks up the tab.

Every first date I ever went on before I met DH, was a drink at the pub.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 14/10/2022 19:20

I've always insisted on splitting it 50/50.

I see myself as equal and he should too. If he doesn't, we have a problem from day one.

I also think women who let a man pay when they have no intention of going on a second date are opportunistic and rude.

GloriousGlory · 14/10/2022 19:22

Fuwari · 14/10/2022 19:06

It's funny how the tightest of men often have the highest of expectations. A particularly tight date I met in the past told me how much he wanted "wild" sex but his suggestion for a second date was wetherspoons! The second date didn't happen.

Women have no idea how much they've been conned. They have to pay their way, but also be an amazing wife and mother, usually doing 90% of the grunt work and it's not lie back and think of England, its ass in the air and think of England! Yeah equality has come so far.

I think you're mixing with the wrong men!

GloriousGlory · 14/10/2022 19:24

ambermorning · 14/10/2022 18:38

Yes, I would expect a man to pay on the first date. It's not about his money, couldn't care less about that. It's because I prefer men who are gentleman in that way and who would want to pay. Mind you, the last first date I went in was in the late 90s, so god only knows what goes on now.

It makes him a gentleman if he pays?

Really?

Stressfordays · 14/10/2022 19:28

Never been on a first date where the man hasn't paid. I mean, I'd happily split but they always insist and I'm not going to argue about free dinner! Especially when a lot of them have been absolute arseholes and I've had no intentions of ever seeing them again.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 14/10/2022 19:31

@Fuwari

It's funny how the tightest of men often have the highest of expectations. A particularly tight date I met in the past told me how much he wanted "wild" sex but his suggestion for a second date was Wetherspoons! The second date didn't happen.

Women have no idea how much they've been conned. They have to pay their way, but also be an amazing wife and mother, usually doing 90% of the grunt work and it's not lie back and think of England, its ass in the air and think of England! Yeah equality has come so far.

You will get posters on here mocking and deriding you for this, but it's largely true. Women are expected to go out to work as well as men these days, and contribute 50% financially, and 'pay their way,' but men STILL - in 2022 - do virtually fuck-all in the house. They don't share the grunt work and domestic duties, and very rarely chip in with childcare.

Some posters will insist this is nonsense, and THEIR man does at LEAST half of everything, in fact probably more. In fact, they have to pull him out of the kitchen sometimes, because he insists on doing the washing up and cleaning the kitchen soooo often. And he just LOVES getting up in the night to the screaming baby. Rarely leaves the mother of the baby to it.

The majority of men do fuck all in the house, and don't help much with the kids... even now. Most men are inherently selfish, lazy, and self centred. And nope, I do NOT know 'the wrong type of men.' I just know men.

gretr · 14/10/2022 19:33

GloriousGlory · 14/10/2022 19:22

I think you're mixing with the wrong men!

Show quote history

Agreed, where is that person finding these men?!!!

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 14/10/2022 19:35

YellowTreeHouse · 14/10/2022 15:21

I’m happily married but if I were dating I wouldn’t pay on a first date.

If he didn’t offer to pay then we aren’t a good match as we don’t share the same traditional values.

^This^

FrippEnos · 14/10/2022 19:35

wordler
I'm not single right now but I prefer to do something low-key and not expensive on a first date (unless I already know them really well) - like a coffee, nice walk with an ice cream, etc. So it doesn't really matter who pays - it doesn't feel like an obligation.

Except that is also seen by many on here as being stingy and a red flag.

gretr · 14/10/2022 19:35

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 14/10/2022 19:31

@Fuwari

It's funny how the tightest of men often have the highest of expectations. A particularly tight date I met in the past told me how much he wanted "wild" sex but his suggestion for a second date was Wetherspoons! The second date didn't happen.

Women have no idea how much they've been conned. They have to pay their way, but also be an amazing wife and mother, usually doing 90% of the grunt work and it's not lie back and think of England, its ass in the air and think of England! Yeah equality has come so far.

You will get posters on here mocking and deriding you for this, but it's largely true. Women are expected to go out to work as well as men these days, and contribute 50% financially, and 'pay their way,' but men STILL - in 2022 - do virtually fuck-all in the house. They don't share the grunt work and domestic duties, and very rarely chip in with childcare.

Some posters will insist this is nonsense, and THEIR man does at LEAST half of everything, in fact probably more. In fact, they have to pull him out of the kitchen sometimes, because he insists on doing the washing up and cleaning the kitchen soooo often. And he just LOVES getting up in the night to the screaming baby. Rarely leaves the mother of the baby to it.

The majority of men do fuck all in the house, and don't help much with the kids... even now. Most men are inherently selfish, lazy, and self centred. And nope, I do NOT know 'the wrong type of men.' I just know men.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but I and all my friends (male and female) do 50:50. Childcare, work, household stuff. I still can’t get my head around wanting to be with someone forever, having children with them, and them not pulling their weight. It’s just so unattractive and you’re just setting your children up to have the same expectations.

ilovesooty · 14/10/2022 19:36

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 14/10/2022 19:31

@Fuwari

It's funny how the tightest of men often have the highest of expectations. A particularly tight date I met in the past told me how much he wanted "wild" sex but his suggestion for a second date was Wetherspoons! The second date didn't happen.

Women have no idea how much they've been conned. They have to pay their way, but also be an amazing wife and mother, usually doing 90% of the grunt work and it's not lie back and think of England, its ass in the air and think of England! Yeah equality has come so far.

You will get posters on here mocking and deriding you for this, but it's largely true. Women are expected to go out to work as well as men these days, and contribute 50% financially, and 'pay their way,' but men STILL - in 2022 - do virtually fuck-all in the house. They don't share the grunt work and domestic duties, and very rarely chip in with childcare.

Some posters will insist this is nonsense, and THEIR man does at LEAST half of everything, in fact probably more. In fact, they have to pull him out of the kitchen sometimes, because he insists on doing the washing up and cleaning the kitchen soooo often. And he just LOVES getting up in the night to the screaming baby. Rarely leaves the mother of the baby to it.

The majority of men do fuck all in the house, and don't help much with the kids... even now. Most men are inherently selfish, lazy, and self centred. And nope, I do NOT know 'the wrong type of men.' I just know men.

What has any of that got to do with first dates?

OperaStation · 14/10/2022 19:37

“…shows they are not stingy, have a genuine interest in me, and in the future if we became a couple it would signal that they would be willing to help me out should I ever become jobless instead of seeing finances as completely separate“

Doesnt this work both ways?

To be honest, women like you give women a bad name.

FrippEnos · 14/10/2022 19:38

I know far too many women that are or have been serial first daters.
I don't care about playing the field etc. these were mainly in to dating for the free food.

Funnily enough most of them were also of the "when we get equality" etc. ilk.

TheHoover · 14/10/2022 19:40

So I have read (well skimmed through) 5 pages and not a single person has questioned why there isn’t a 3rd option of ‘you pay the whole bill’.

I generally dislike dutch and tend to pay the whole bill with a ‘you pay next time’ with my friends. I may or may not remember who paid last.

If there was going to be a second date I’d definitely do the same. If not I’d probably wait for him to take the lead.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 14/10/2022 19:41

gretr · 14/10/2022 19:35

Sorry to burst your bubble, but I and all my friends (male and female) do 50:50. Childcare, work, household stuff. I still can’t get my head around wanting to be with someone forever, having children with them, and them not pulling their weight. It’s just so unattractive and you’re just setting your children up to have the same expectations.

Show quote history

Right on cue! 😂

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 14/10/2022 19:42

ilovesooty · 14/10/2022 19:36

What has any of that got to do with first dates?

Show quote history

Loads.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 14/10/2022 19:44

You can guarantee 100% that a man who wants to split the bill on a first date 'because equality,' does NOT carry that 'equality' on into the relationship, into the home, with the childcare etc etc. They are often shit in bed too.

Weefreetiffany · 14/10/2022 19:44

I’ve always found that if a guy was interested he would want to impress and leave a good impression by picking up the bill. They should be treating you like a catch tbh. I always offered to split with the full intention of paying my way, but I married the guy who acted like he cared what I thought, and thought about him.

That was dating in my 20s and I met DH when we were both 25, playing at adulthood with money in our pockets- we met at a party initially so got drunk together with mutual friends then had a shyer first date a week later. Now in my late 30s I would go for coffee as the window of youth for those kind of fresh dates is gone and I’m mature enough not to want to be swept off my feet. We split everything and both wages go into the joint account and we spend what we like, but discuss spending etc. when we grab lunch whoever pays, but when it’s romantic I let him take the lead and that works for us.

GloriousGlory · 14/10/2022 19:44

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 14/10/2022 19:31

@Fuwari

It's funny how the tightest of men often have the highest of expectations. A particularly tight date I met in the past told me how much he wanted "wild" sex but his suggestion for a second date was Wetherspoons! The second date didn't happen.

Women have no idea how much they've been conned. They have to pay their way, but also be an amazing wife and mother, usually doing 90% of the grunt work and it's not lie back and think of England, its ass in the air and think of England! Yeah equality has come so far.

You will get posters on here mocking and deriding you for this, but it's largely true. Women are expected to go out to work as well as men these days, and contribute 50% financially, and 'pay their way,' but men STILL - in 2022 - do virtually fuck-all in the house. They don't share the grunt work and domestic duties, and very rarely chip in with childcare.

Some posters will insist this is nonsense, and THEIR man does at LEAST half of everything, in fact probably more. In fact, they have to pull him out of the kitchen sometimes, because he insists on doing the washing up and cleaning the kitchen soooo often. And he just LOVES getting up in the night to the screaming baby. Rarely leaves the mother of the baby to it.

The majority of men do fuck all in the house, and don't help much with the kids... even now. Most men are inherently selfish, lazy, and self centred. And nope, I do NOT know 'the wrong type of men.' I just know men.

Just sitting down to duck yaki soba cooked by DH, after he walked the dog.

He's working tomorrow, I'm not.

I've made his sandwich for lunch as he was cooking.

He emptied the bins, I dealt with some admin.

You do know the wrong men, no matter what you say!

Quveas · 14/10/2022 19:44

So much for sex equality. Let's judge a date by whether he pays or not.

ilovesooty · 14/10/2022 19:44

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 14/10/2022 19:42

Loads.

Show quote history

Weird. 🙄