MIL is being a bit selfish

[cherrytreelanecherries]

My father in law died suddenly a year ago. He was only mid sixties so it was quite a shock.

My mother in law has struggled, understandably. She had only recently retired, has no other family apart from my DH, only has three close friends. She also lives rurally and doesn’t drive (FIL did all the driving). She is very lonely and quite depressed I think, we’ve started to have tentative conversations about her trying volunteering, going to a bereavement group etc but she just says it’s too soon.

We used to host Christmas for both sides of the family every year. We live several hours drive from both families (in opposite directions - helpful!) But my grandma is 96 and she’s too unwell to make the journey to our house this year. So that nobody has to be on their own, we came up with a plan that my grandma would spend Christmas Day at my parent’s house and we would go to MIL with our two young kids.

However, MIL doesn’t want to do this. She says she will find it too painful to decorate the house or have Christmas dinner (we’ve offered to cook) and she just wants to be on her own all day if she can’t come to ours. My parents have said she can stay at theirs and they will host but she’s refused that too.

I’ve offered that we rent a holiday cottage instead so Christmas Day doesn’t actually have to be in her house with all the memories but she won’t do that either.

My grandma feels so bad that she’s causing my MIL to spend Christmas alone that she is now saying we should go back to plan A and have Christmas at our house, even though she’s really not well enough to make the journey and I’m worried about her.

Basically, I’ve tried to be patient with MIL and I know she is devastated but I think on this she’s being a bit selfish. AIBU.

But not hard to label MIL as selfish when your parents are being every bit as selfish and without the explanation that they are struggling with bereavement.

If grandma and your parents live really close why is the drive to see you on Christmas too long for granny but she can go to your patents? Confused

It’s exactly that. It isn’t conscious manipulation but it ends up feeling like that. It’s very hard if you can’t work out the parts of the arrangements that someone can’t face and they won’t say, but they then dismiss your suggestions. I end up wanting to shout, just tell me what you would prefer as that would actually be easier for me to manage, even if I say that isn’t possible.

Also, your ties to your own parents and grandparents are clearly stronger than to your MIL. That isn’t a criticism, it’s totally understandable. It’s hard when you are potentially giving up seeing them on Christmas Day.

So sorry for your loss xx

Yes, I think have it at yours and let your 96 year old grandma be the best judge for herself as to whether she wants to come/will be able to make the journey. Just make it clear that you're absolutely fine if she does come or if she chooses to stay at home. The choice is 100% hers.

As for your MIL, a year is absolutely nothing when it comes to grieving. Her whole world has imploded and it will likely take a long time before she can 'right' herself again. Just offer her bucketloads of grace and love. It sounds like she needs it.

She’s told you what she wants, leave her be. It’s HER choice.

I think OP is getting a right bollocking here when she's clearly said she and her dh have tried everything.
MIL is making things difficult and sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. Just book grief counselling and tell her she's going and that's that.
Unless she's one of those people who just refuse help or secretly enjoy being a martyr.
Out of interest @cherrytreelanecherries how old is granny? Perhaps explain to MIL whilst you appreciate she's grieving you also want to be able to see granny for as many Christmas's as possible?

You have given her multiple options- she only wants to come to yours and thats not an option. Got to your parents and spend your xmas with your granny.

Stop exploring various options and feeling guilty. You have gone over an above to offer options and she is refusing unless you give up any plans with your own family to accommodate her.

Its October and just be clear now that you're going to your parents and leave it at that...i have no doubt your MIL will change her mind when she notes you're not changing your plans

I just want to be really clear here, we have never, not once, pushed her to leave her marital home!

She has talked a lot about how the house is too big, too remote, too lonely, too many memories. DH has said, once or twice “it must be so hard Mum, maybe one day you could think about getting a smaller place, perhaps a bungalow near to the shops”. We do not have estate agents sizing up the place ready to put it on rightmove!

I won’t claim to have been the one listening to her because that’s mostly fallen on DH, but he has spent hours and hours and hours and hours listening to her talk. Which may be what she needs of course although I think he worries it isn’t really helping because as time goes on she seems worse not better.

Yes I’ve contacted cruse, actually they suggested a bereavement group in the area. I told her I could put her in touch if she was interested, she said she wasn’t.

For fuck's sake.

Just book grief counselling and tell her she's going and that's that.

@Ihatecocomelon Where do you stand on the issue of a slap on the back of the legs with a wooden spoon and bed with no tea for people who won't do what you want?

@limitedperiodonly I see you missed the part where I said sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.

‘No not really, I wanted to find a solution where nobody felt left out and nobody felt they had to travel when they didn’t really want to.
However I can see that in attempting this I’ve just tied myself in knots 😂’

@cherrytreelanecherries but with the best intentions.

You cannot fix this one this year, as I said you have too many plates spinning for the usual logistics to work.

If you can, please MiL some ‘space’, just be with her without offering ‘plans or fixes’, just travel alongside her for a while.

As pps have said, this is a major bereavement, it’ll take time.

But should you be concerned that MiL’s grief has developed into clinical depression, that indifference & sorrow has become entrenched self-neglect, & that she cannot respond to your concern, then you, or rather DH as her son, might consider contacting her GP for a brief chat to express your concerns.

It sounds like you don’t want to invite MIL because you’re worried your mother will also come and leave your grandmother by herself? Or perhaps drag granny along too in ill health?

Thats a mother issue, not a MIL issue. Confirm with your mother that you’ll be supporting MIL this Christmas (whose house that is in is irrelevant), and ask that she looks after her own mother. Then go visit them on Boxing Day. Job done.

MIL’s continued grief and anxiety must be wearing, I appreciate that. But that isn’t the source of your Christmas problem this year. It’s your grandmother’s declining health (and the implication that your mother will choose Christmas with you over her own mother), that is changing the goal posts.

You’re right that the burden on my DH is huge and if I’m honest I am getting annoyed that she can’t see that. She recently said to him “I suppose this is hard for you too, in a way” and I had to leave the room as I was so frustrated

OP my dad said something very similar on numerous occasions. I could have hit him, actually. Whilst understanding his grief was all encompassing and different than ours, he was not permitted to negate our grief: she was my wonderful mammy, and we kids knew her and loved her in a different, but equally valid way. It felt like a kick in the gut: my grief was small potatoes and nothing to him. He was never emotionally intelligent, but it was still very hurtful. Your MIL doesn't get to trump everyone and everything.

I didn't, I just couldn't detect any kindness in there.

Mourning the death of someone you loved doesn't have a time limit.
She might be feeling the loss even more this year.
Let her do what she wants and stop trying to sort stuff out for her.
Its very early days since she lost her husband.

I completely understood where you were coming from!

Something I find interesting is that before FIL died, my MIL was 100% a “sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind” person and as I said above that’s exactly what she did when my FIL was grieving his own father.

Having read the thread, you do want to see your granny over your MIL because you’re picking up on the suggestions, which tell you to see your family and either not or batting aside those, which explain you why it is kinder to have your mil at yours.

I get being married to an only child op. We regularly blended both families at ours at Christmas. By this time, my MIL had died. My FIL (who lives abroad) after a few years ended up asking not to come over at my mum and stepdad as he wanted a quieter time. He is a very, very insular person and was depressed for many years after my MIL died. We then started to have him over separately, which worked better for him.

It sounds as if your mil is similar and needs quality time. This can easily be explained to your family and your MIL shouldn’t be left alone when she is depressed and grieving.

I would also tackle the train situation, such as accompanying her to get her used to doing it and so forth or collecting her part way.

People don't spontaneously combust if they spend Christmas Day on their own, or if they don't actually celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day.

I would spend it with Grandma, who sounds nicer and it may be her last Christmas. MIL can come to yours on Boxing Day or whenever, or accept the invitation to your parents.

@cherrytreelanecherries it would have been so much easier if you'd said you were only giving your MIL a taste of her medicine. I still don't think that's a very nice thing to do.

What a lack of understanding of grief and what a fuss about one day.

Losing a parent as a mature adult is very different from losing a spouse / life partner.

Could I suggest that you read about 'complicated grief?' It may help you understand what your MIL is going through. Hope it helps - even just giving you some pointers on how to help her next.

I didn't move house, no, but I had 3 children (one very young and with SEN) and very busy, responsible job. I was utterly devastated, utterly, but I kept busy: distraction can really help with grief. I did attend counselling- it was great. I also walked a lot to clear my head, and spoke to my siblings/ friends about what was in my head. We're all different, but busy can work for many of us. The OP/ her DP are not being cruel, as you seem to suggest, they're trying to help. The helo may not what is required, but they're not doing it out of nastiness FGS.

I had a moment in the supermarket just yesterday, where I filled up with a memory and feeling. It's been almost 9 years and it still kills me she's not here, but I had to get on with life, no matter how hard it was. Harsh, but very true.