MIL is being a bit selfish

[cherrytreelanecherries]

My father in law died suddenly a year ago. He was only mid sixties so it was quite a shock.

My mother in law has struggled, understandably. She had only recently retired, has no other family apart from my DH, only has three close friends. She also lives rurally and doesn’t drive (FIL did all the driving). She is very lonely and quite depressed I think, we’ve started to have tentative conversations about her trying volunteering, going to a bereavement group etc but she just says it’s too soon.

We used to host Christmas for both sides of the family every year. We live several hours drive from both families (in opposite directions - helpful!) But my grandma is 96 and she’s too unwell to make the journey to our house this year. So that nobody has to be on their own, we came up with a plan that my grandma would spend Christmas Day at my parent’s house and we would go to MIL with our two young kids.

However, MIL doesn’t want to do this. She says she will find it too painful to decorate the house or have Christmas dinner (we’ve offered to cook) and she just wants to be on her own all day if she can’t come to ours. My parents have said she can stay at theirs and they will host but she’s refused that too.

I’ve offered that we rent a holiday cottage instead so Christmas Day doesn’t actually have to be in her house with all the memories but she won’t do that either.

My grandma feels so bad that she’s causing my MIL to spend Christmas alone that she is now saying we should go back to plan A and have Christmas at our house, even though she’s really not well enough to make the journey and I’m worried about her.

Basically, I’ve tried to be patient with MIL and I know she is devastated but I think on this she’s being a bit selfish. AIBU.

@cherrytreelanecherries She refuses to start driving again, to consider moving to a smaller place, to have counselling, to consider volunteering, to go to a bereavement course

im sorry but this is outrageous. It’s only been a year and you’ve already tried to get your MIL to leave her family home. To go talk about her grief in public, to start driving having not driven in years which I’m sure is a scary prospect with all the new motorways and rules of the road.. Will you give the poor woman some kindness and time and support instead of trying to force her to do extremely difficult things. I’m not surprised she’s refused to do them all. My MIL didn’t even clean out FIL clothes for a year never kind packing up and selling their home.

Have you zero empathy @cherrytreelanecherries

The issue here is not your MIL, it’s your parents.

Basically, I’ve tried to be patient with MIL and I know she is devastated but I think on this she’s being a bit selfish. AIBU.

Yes. Hugely unreasonable. Why not have Christmas with your DH & DC? or you go to your parents? If your widowed MiL wants to be on her own, why are you calling her selfish?

You seem a bit unempathetic, and very patronising "I've tried to be patient" as if she's a recalcitrant child! How would you feel if your DH died suddenly? Grief is a long thing.

Thank you. I do honestly feel like we’ve tried really hard - may not have got everything right (who does) but we’ve done the best we can.

Grandma and parents live very close so we can visit them all at any time really - kids will love having two christmases!

Both sides of my family put a lot of emphasis on Christmas Day itself being very important. I’m not like that at all and neither is DH!

I think that's really harsh on OP

They have taken her on holiday and drive to pick her up to have her to stay

She could try to get a train.

Does she have a freedom pass?

In my defence this has been done very, very gently in response to her saying she’s bored, lonely, doesn’t have anyone to talk to and can’t go anywhere.

Also other PPs have said this is what we should be doing so if I have no empathy, they have none either 🤷‍♀️

Just invite her to yours and explain the situation to your parents and granny. Your MIL has lost the person she spent most of her life with and was planning to spend the rest with, she’s not going to be fine for a long time. They will understand, and even if they don’t, you’ll be slightly upsetting them yes but the alternative is to slightly upset her.

If you’d lost your DH, and you were older and less independent and a bit vulnerable, would you honestly have got over your grief and sprung back after a year and be learning new skills, happily heading off to bereavement groups and luncheon clubs to talk to strangers about your feelings and putting your home on the market? I imagine not.

Hard though it is to offer (and it is hard), what your MIL probably needs at this time is kindness, company, and a listening ear - not practical solutions which to her, may feel like your DH and you trying to foist her onto other people and stop her being a burden on you.

She may be more open to practical help, or may end up helping herself find new ways to live, later on once she’s feeling stronger. Grief doesn’t fit into anyone’s timeline, not yours and not hers.

my MIL was in a similar situation with FIL dying young and I never would’ve treated her like you are treating your MIL - let’s be honest you want her driving and volunteering and joining groups so you can wash your hands of having to make an extra effort with her during this difficult time for her. Nasty.

Hardly. It sounds like OP and her husband are doing a hell of a lot by way of extra effort, given that they don't live nearby and presumably have work obligations and the rest of it. If she wants to stay where she is, it's not in the least nasty to try to make suggestions that might improve her life.

We live several hours drive from both families (in opposite directions - helpful!) But my grandma is 96 and she’s too unwell to make the journey to our house this year

Grandma and parents live very close so we can visit them all at any time really - kids will love having two christmases!

Hang on, Which is it?

I would just let her be on her own if that is what she says she wants. My brother died this year and my parents don't want to do anything at Christmas and I just want it over and done with too.

This is really wise advice, thank you.

To be honest I think it's your parents who are being selfish if they force your Grandma to do a journey she's not up to. Your MIL is recently bereaved and has said she just wants to be on her own all day if she can’t come to ours. So either take her at her word, or tell your parents not to come.

I think she means Grandma and her parents live closer together so they could visit them both in one visit?

She wants to be on her own so let her. She might decide she made the wrong decision or she might decide that being on her own wasn't that bad. But the important thing is that it's her decision not your's or your parents or your grandmas.

Why are you saying you know she is devastated but she is also being selfish by pushing her feelings aside and going along with what everyone else wants? And what does the word "devastated" mean anyway? She has suffered a major bereavement just like some of us have and all of us will and is dealing with it in her way. So just go on with your own plans and call her on Christmas Day. Or other days that aren't Christmas.

Oh, and don't decide that what is good for her is doing a course of counselling or a bereavement course, whatever that is. I would not or need to do that. Someone kept suggesting it to me after a loss and in the end I had to be quite forceful in asking them to leave me alone and mind their own business.

MIL lives in one direction (approx 3 hours away), my family - parents and grandma - live in the opposite direction (approx 1.5 - 2 hours away).

DH and I met in the middle and have stayed here. It’s not ideal, to say the least!

That PP is being nasty!

She's still young, too young to be scared of going on a train- what on Earth is there to be scared of? And to answer another PP who said someone over 60 won't learn to drive- my mam passed her test just after her 60th birthday, and said it was the best thing she ever did for her independence (the generation who were pretty much told it was the men who drove).

I know what grief can do: my dad was utterly devastated when my mam died. They were together 55 years and he was totally lost. He also refused counselling. I cannot imagine the pressure your DH feels being an only one: I have brothers and sisters and it was stressful enough. Dad did get out and about eventually (he disliked coming home to an empty house, so avoided going out. Strange but true) but he still sucked the joy out of most things for a long time. Eventually my sister snapped one day and told him he didn't have the trump card on grief, we were all grieving and we had to help each other. For a man who didn't treat mam that well at times, it was frustrating. I loved him but he was a difficult man: perhaps your DH us the same?

She can't continue to affect your family with her grief, she just can't. Many will say I'm harsh, but you have lives too.

No, I don’t get it either.

The parents and grandma were seeing each other for Xmas because grandma is too frail to travel. That’s a situation that has been decided.

As a separate issue…OP will either be seeing MIL at her house or their own house-Grandma still wouldn’t be going as she is too frail to travel and is seeing the parents. The two are separate events.

If the parents and grandma can’t cope with that, it’s them that are being selfish, not MIL!!!

Can’t you go to your parents with your nan, and your husband invites your MIL over/ go to hers, if you have kids they can choose where to go? Sounds like it’s gonna be a rough Christmas for you MIL and obvs if your nan is frail you don’t want to miss her potentially last Christmas

I think you should (gently) stop suggesting things. Right now she's getting through the grief. I get it's annoying listening to the moaning, but try to listen sympathetically without trying to solve anything. She'll come to conclusions on her own.

So I'd keep up contact, visit as you normally do, and give support by listening, not trying to fix.

For Christmas, accept her answer when she says no, she doesn't want to do that. Don't tell your family what she's up to as their guilt is also causing problems. Decide what you're going to do. If your MIL doesn't want to join in, that's fine! Let her do her own thing. You are not responsible for everyone, you don't have to bend over backwards to try and keep everyone happy (not possible). Do the thing that will make most happy and most importantly, your kids happy. Don't sweat the rest.

I started reading this thread full of frustration at your attitude OP.

The more you posted, the more I understand how worried you are for MIL and how frustrated you feel that she's not responding to your practical suggestions.

However, I think you are probably a logical, solver type. She doesn't want 'solving' at the moment. She wants things the way they were. In the meantime, she's staying with what's comfortable.

I don't think many of the readers of this thread understand why you simply can't invite her to yours for Christmas, while your parents spend the day with Gran. If we can't understand it, then MIL possibly is in the same boat and wishes you'd just invite her to yours as you've done for many years previously. It would feel comfortable and familiar for her

I really don't get why you don't understand that from an outsider, this is simply a no-brainer!

But whatever the background that makes that impossible, I sympathise for you being in this position.

I think you should all go to Hawaii.

Makes more sense. Apologies I read it wrong.

DP died suddenly a few days before Christmas last year. I won't be putting up any decorations, I can't face it. I will be going to my brother's but it will be quiet.

DP was my soulmate too, almost everything you've said about your parents' relationship was mirrored in ours. I fully understand MIL when she's bored and lonely but doesn't want to get involved in volunteering etc. because the one person who could make you not lonely isn't there anymore and never will be again. It isn't a simple binary situation.

I understand that you feel you're in a difficult place with both families. You feel that you have to let down either MIL or your own family and it's a hard choice. But you're going to have to bite the bullet and make it.

In all that though, please don't label MIL selfish for not immediately falling in with the plans that would mean you don't have to choose.

I don't understand your reply here, you said in your OP that the reason your family aren't coming to yours is because your GM is too ill to travel so is therefore spending the day with your parents. How are they not being invited/left out?

Why will they feel left out if MIL comes to you? They could come too but are choosing not too due to health of GM.

How is your MIL being selfish by saying if she can't come to yours she'd rather be alone? Just let her make that choice and you go spend Xmas with your parents and GM at theirs, so GM doesn't have to travel. You've given your MIL lots of options and she doesn't want any of them. That's her choice. If she moans later you can just ignore.

I'm struggling to see your issue and your reasoning on everything

@Gymnopedie so sorry for your loss :(