MIL is being a bit selfish

[cherrytreelanecherries]

My father in law died suddenly a year ago. He was only mid sixties so it was quite a shock.

My mother in law has struggled, understandably. She had only recently retired, has no other family apart from my DH, only has three close friends. She also lives rurally and doesn’t drive (FIL did all the driving). She is very lonely and quite depressed I think, we’ve started to have tentative conversations about her trying volunteering, going to a bereavement group etc but she just says it’s too soon.

We used to host Christmas for both sides of the family every year. We live several hours drive from both families (in opposite directions - helpful!) But my grandma is 96 and she’s too unwell to make the journey to our house this year. So that nobody has to be on their own, we came up with a plan that my grandma would spend Christmas Day at my parent’s house and we would go to MIL with our two young kids.

However, MIL doesn’t want to do this. She says she will find it too painful to decorate the house or have Christmas dinner (we’ve offered to cook) and she just wants to be on her own all day if she can’t come to ours. My parents have said she can stay at theirs and they will host but she’s refused that too.

I’ve offered that we rent a holiday cottage instead so Christmas Day doesn’t actually have to be in her house with all the memories but she won’t do that either.

My grandma feels so bad that she’s causing my MIL to spend Christmas alone that she is now saying we should go back to plan A and have Christmas at our house, even though she’s really not well enough to make the journey and I’m worried about her.

Basically, I’ve tried to be patient with MIL and I know she is devastated but I think on this she’s being a bit selfish. AIBU.

It's not complicated grief if her husband only died a year ago.

Yes good point actually! In that case maybe I do have a preference to see my grandma over my MIL. Which I guess probably makes sense, I suppose my DH would rather see his mum than my grandma.

My MIL and your FIL sound very similar - naturally very introverted people. I think my parents find it hard to understand and get a little offended that she turns down their offers to come and stay (she has always turned them down even before FIL died). They think she doesn’t like them but she just feels really uncomfortable with people she doesn’t know very well.

On train travel, we’ve tried offering both of those options but she refuses. We’ll maybe try again in a few months.

I get 100% where you are coming from here.

You want to do what's best for everyone, but avoid the year long guilt trip because one person has decided to be a martyr. And yes, your MIL is being a martyr as harsh as that sounds. My bereaved mother is similar. Every single day I hear about her loneliness and had no one EVER VISITS (not true!) but she never does any of the things she could to help herself.

I think you need to stop asking her and just say "Christmas is at my Mums this year because of grandma. Hope you understand that she's simply too old to travel and we need to make this as easy for her as possible. We'll collect you as usual and will stay at Mums till x date". Stop discussing it, just tell her!

I have no idea what this means.

I was in a similar position for a few years, OP. Came to a head with one Christmas where I was dealing with both DM and MIL having had really awful years, both wanting us to spend Christmas with them, both refusing to go anywhere else, and both variously in tears then going “no no, do whatever’s easiest for you, I’d rather just have Christmas sat on my own, I know you have your own lives now and don’t need your old Mum tagging along and being miserable” type stuff. Plus siblings etc going “I can’t believe you won’t spend this year doing what Mum/MIL wants after the year she’s had.” Oh God, the guilt.

So that year I put my foot down and said I would do one Christmas with DH’s side (and visit mine after Boxing Day), then the next with my family (and vice versa). Anyone who didn’t want to be on their own was welcome to come with us, we’d pay for accommodation, whatever, but we just could not be on both sides of the country at the same time and there was no way to keep everybody happy.

If I could go back in time I would also extend this “I can do what I can for you, but I can’t fix the world” to dealing with parental/IL grief as well. I put up with a huge amount of “no I don’t want to talk to a counsellor or a GP or get any hobbies or move or get places by myself or anything, I just want my adult child to be my entire social and practical support” for years because, well, it’s grief and a horrible loss and of course you can’t tell someone to get over it. But then after a few years it was really, really hard to change the pattern that had become very entrenched. Fine for your DH to do what he can, but also fine for him to say “Mum, this is really upsetting for me and I’m grieving too.”

Yes, maybe. I just think it’s interesting that MIL is herself very much of the “tough love” school of thought it most situations. It’s just a reflection really when PPs are saying tough love is the wrong route to go down.

Here’s another idea: you go to your parents and your DH stays at yours and hosts MIL, then you do something with him on boxing day

Argh, this all feels very familiar! The quote in your first paragraph completely sums it up. How to say you’re happy with the arrangement when you are quite clearly anything but.

Well done for putting boundaries in place. I think DH is reaching the point where he knows he needs to do this because she is completely reliant on him and it is getting worse not better, but he doesn’t know how.

That's the most appalling statement on this thread. You seriously think you can compel someone to attend grief counselling against their wishes?

Losing a parent as a mature adult is very different from losing a spouse / life partner.

it really depends on a lot of different factors and the state of the relationship, not much point in trying to compare as they can both be very difficult to adjust and it depends on the person dealing with the grief, timing lots of different factors

The most sensible option is for you to continue to have Christmas in your own house and let the other adults decide what to do about it themselves. This isn't something you need to sort out. If your parents leave your granny behind, that's their business. If they bring her to yours, that's their business. If they stay with her then come see you after Christmas, that's fine too. I don't know why you think you have to solve this for everyone.

I did suggest this but I suspect it would be a tough day for both of them and he is not keen on the idea. She gets very, very down when the two of them are on their own together. It is still an option though.

I know it’s not my decision to make but I was keen for her to be with the grandchildren as it’s the only time she really seems happy and she always says afterwards he glad she was to be with them and that it took her mind off FIL.

The only scenario which is 100% not happening is my 96 year old grandma being left on her own! Even if it’s just me and her drinking sherry in her retirement flat 😂

No reputable counsellor or counselling agency will accept a referral from a third party against the potential client's wishes.

@ilovesooty op has exhausted all other options. Her MIL is obviously in need of help. They've tried the nicely nicely approach and got nowhere.

Have you considered seeing if granny and your parents would do Christmas a couple of days early or late? So you could do both, incl a second one at yours?

I understand completely where you're coming from but really if you say 'my grandma is too ill to travel and this may be her last christmas' what's not to understand? I don't know how close you are with her but I'd regret it if I missed out on a last Xmas and she died in 2023 x

Or....left field idea. Leave kids with MIL in your house and go to Hawaii?

Oh Christmas dear Christmas. Always so fraught. OP, I think some people are being very unkind. You are not leaving your MIL on her own. She is clearly loved, concerned for, included and invited. That is all you can do.

Yes, and we haven’t done this.

To be fair to the PP I don’t think they literally meant book it and take MIL there in handcuffs, but there are different points on the scale aren’t there.

For example my mum had a friend who had severe depression and one day she said “look, I’ve called the GP and they have an appointment this morning, ultimately it is your choice but I think you should take it. I will drive you there and go with you and explain the situation on your behalf if you want me to, I can’t force you but I really think you should do this”. She went and the GP prescribed antidepressants and I think she got referred for counselling too. Maybe some people would say that was wrong of her and too pushy but my mum’s friend was incredibly grateful and said it possibly saved her life.

With MIL, so far we have followed the advice from Cruse which was to let her know the options available and see if she was interested, but she wasn’t. We haven’t tried to push her any further on this.

Can I come?

Can I come?

To be fair this option has suddenly become a surprise front runner 😂

Yes that's what I meant. Thank you op

I saw your answer about my FIL and your MIL upthread. I totally get you’d rather spend it with your grandma. I really, really do. I didn’t want to spend Christmas with my FIL alone as tbh it is boring as. I have always done all the cooking, present buying and running around whether it was his place or ours and Christmas definitely was never special at his. But I did it for him and for my dh. He is a kind man and choses to content himself to a very singular life.

These days, my FIL spends Christmas alone. But he’s been widowed a very long time and my health doesn’t permit us to travel abroad in the winter and cater for Christmas for us all. I definitely didn’t allow him to be alone for many years and it was only at his request that he stopped coming, by which time I wasn’t well enough to travel. He does have options and always has invitations to go to other family members homes and we visit him during the summer months btw.

I think your dh should have the same red line for his mum. Is your grandma staying at your parents’ house? I really don’t understand why you can’t do Christmas with your mil and Boxing Day with your family. Your family just need to be told calmly that your MIL likes them. But she’s a very insular person and just needs a lot of tlc, which she won’t get if it’s all of you together.

I’m a similar age to your MIL (it’s not that old!), and it’s about time she grew up and learnt to live independently forging her own life and friendships and stop playing the ‘poor old me’ card. She sounds just like my annoying Aunty who lived to a ripe old age and drove everyone potty trying to accommodate her wishes.

Has MIL ever worked? Are her friends just like her or do they enjoy active lives?

Don’t pander to her any further and go to your parents for Christmas, remind MIL she’s invited to join you all but you’ll leave it up to her to decide.

My recently bereaved friend (summer) is off on a cruise over Christmas as she didn’t want to have a normal Christmas this year. There are plenty of other options she can investigate instead of sitting home alone.