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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to forgive MIL for this?

161 replies

forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 21:27

It was her birthday Sunday.

All 3 of her DC and their wives came to her house for a 'get together'

She was reminiscing about family and old times. Her dad came up in conversation

She said 'Ahh, I love the name Andrew. I so wish one of my grandchild got to have that name'

It was a bit of an awkward silence and then she looked at me and said 'Sorry but it's true :) I know that might be hard to hear' and she came over and patted me on the hand, before walking into the kitchen to ask if anyone wanted a top up

My son was called Andrew. He was born early and passed away shortly afterwards. Nobody has ever mentioned him since, and refuse to. But mention my SIL's stillborn daughter.

AIBU to never forgive her? Split with my H a few weeks ago because he wasn't helping with DS1. I came to her birthday because I thought I'd be wanted there

OP posts:
Sunnyqueen · 13/10/2022 21:29

Why would you never forgive her for that? Bit odd.

Original poster
forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 21:30

@Sunnyqueen because one of her grandchild did have that name?

OP posts:
wonderingwhatsnext · 13/10/2022 21:31

I think YANBU. I would interpret that as telling you that you are no longer welcome since the spilt with your XH.

autumnboys · 13/10/2022 21:32

That was an outrageously unkind thing to say and I would find it hard to forgive.

Getofftheladder · 13/10/2022 21:32

YANBU. She’s deliberately scoring points because you dumped her son. Move on and spend time with nice people.

Whattheactualfcku · 13/10/2022 21:33

Yeah she’s a see you next Tuesday!

passport123 · 13/10/2022 21:33

Ouch. I don't think I'd be seeing her again. What a bitch. I'm sorry for your loss OP. Flowers

britneyisfree · 13/10/2022 21:33

Don't go back. She sounds bitchy tbh.

Why did you think she'd want you there?

Sorry for your lossFlowers

Jagley · 13/10/2022 21:34

Sorry for your loss op, I would've walked out there and then tbh.

Cw112 · 13/10/2022 21:34

It's hard without knowing her or more of the context to work out if she meant it maliciously or if it was just an insensitive thing to say and she worded herself badly. You obviously felt on good enough terms with her to go despite ending things with your ex which makes me think that she's not normally the malicious mil sort? So it's maybe been a very tactless throwaway comment and she hasn't realised how much it would have wounded you. Regardless I'm so sorry you had to go through that OP and I recognise that she does have grandchild called Andrew. If you value the relationship with her could you address it with her and tell her that it's ok for her to recognise that he exists infront of you. The fact they talk about SILs daughter is making me wonder if they worry about how you'd react and aren't quite sure how to approach it around you?

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 13/10/2022 21:34

That is appalling. I’m so sorry that happened.

ALittleBitAhAh · 13/10/2022 21:35

YANBU What a twat she is. I'm sorry 😞

sandytooth · 13/10/2022 21:36

Oh my goodness. I was reading that wondering where you were going with it. Then my jaw dropped. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. I would have absolutely nothing to do with her any more. She knew what she was doing. Pure evil.

FreezingThyme · 13/10/2022 21:36

I’m so sorry about the loss of your darling son. What a vile thing to have said. I’m so sorry you had to hear that 💐. Utterly inexcusable and YANBU to not want to forgive that .

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 13/10/2022 21:37

That is absolutely heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for you and I cannot believe said that to you.
Cut all ties.

Original poster
forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 21:38

britneyisfree · 13/10/2022 21:33

Don't go back. She sounds bitchy tbh.

Why did you think she'd want you there?

Sorry for your lossFlowers

Because she was really not impressed I'd broken up with her son, and he's back living with her again.

She even said over WhatsApp recently 'I hope you're there! I don't want to miss out on DGS because you aren't around anymore. Show your face won't you!'

OP posts:
Sunnyqueen · 13/10/2022 21:39

forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 21:30

@Sunnyqueen because one of her grandchild did have that name?

Oh my gosh so sorry read that completely wrong I thought it was her son that was called Andrew. Now I've read it properly no that is so so horrible, steer well clear.

SnackSizeRaisin · 13/10/2022 21:40

Was your exH there? Surely it's just as offensive towards him? To be honest it's awkward for all present really - such as faux pas.
If she's generally nice could you have misinterpreted her meaning because she expressed herself so badly? Perhaps she was meaning to express regret not to hear the name used regularly within the family due to sad circumstances.

sandytooth · 13/10/2022 21:41

Perhaps she was meaning to express regret not to hear the name used regularly within the family due to sad circumstances that wouldn't be much better. OP has lost her son and she's just worried she doesn't get to hear the name?!

Hyggeandhugs · 13/10/2022 21:42

That's just horrendously awful. Cruel even. Please don't feel you need to accept that. Whether it's silently going NC, or screaming for all her neighbours to hear, let yourself react as you need to and don't let anyone pressure you to just keep the peace. I'm so sorry for your loss. Flowers

GG1986 · 13/10/2022 21:44

She's a knob, stay away from her.

Original poster
forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 21:46

She's such a peculiar character.

She reels me in. She says or less often, does things I've found out of order/upsetting in the past and yet somehow I always find myself forgetting it happened and letting her back in!

Something about her just makes you want to have her approval.

OP posts:
Getofftheladder · 13/10/2022 21:47

forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 21:38

Because she was really not impressed I'd broken up with her son, and he's back living with her again.

She even said over WhatsApp recently 'I hope you're there! I don't want to miss out on DGS because you aren't around anymore. Show your face won't you!'

Show quote history

Manipulative emotional blackmail, ready to put you back in your place.

let her see her grandkid on her sons time not yours.

35965a · 13/10/2022 21:47

She’s horrible.

Getofftheladder · 13/10/2022 21:48

forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 21:46

She's such a peculiar character.

She reels me in. She says or less often, does things I've found out of order/upsetting in the past and yet somehow I always find myself forgetting it happened and letting her back in!

Something about her just makes you want to have her approval.

Sounds like she’s narcissistic.