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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to forgive MIL for this?

161 replies

forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 21:27

It was her birthday Sunday.

All 3 of her DC and their wives came to her house for a 'get together'

She was reminiscing about family and old times. Her dad came up in conversation

She said 'Ahh, I love the name Andrew. I so wish one of my grandchild got to have that name'

It was a bit of an awkward silence and then she looked at me and said 'Sorry but it's true :) I know that might be hard to hear' and she came over and patted me on the hand, before walking into the kitchen to ask if anyone wanted a top up

My son was called Andrew. He was born early and passed away shortly afterwards. Nobody has ever mentioned him since, and refuse to. But mention my SIL's stillborn daughter.

AIBU to never forgive her? Split with my H a few weeks ago because he wasn't helping with DS1. I came to her birthday because I thought I'd be wanted there

OP posts:
Tigofigo · 14/10/2022 00:22

maddy68 · 13/10/2022 22:58

I think it was a thoughtless comment. Horrible but thoughtless and I assume unintentional.

You dint have to send lots of time with them. Don't stress about it

If it was thoughtless and unintentional she wouldn't have added the bit about sorry but it's true!

She would have said "oh God I'm sorry, how thoughtless of me"

Changechangychange · 14/10/2022 00:25

I’m surprised your ExH didn’t pull her up on it - did he hear? I’d go NC with my DM if she thought nasty comments about my dead child were a good way to stick the knife into DH, whether we were together or not.

BasiliskStare · 14/10/2022 00:36

That was a very thoughtless thing to say ( at best ) of course in hindsight I would have said you do have a DGC called Andrew but he is no longer with us but hindsight is a wonderful thing. DH's Uncle said some stupid things when I was pregnant but I now just pass them off has him not engaging his brain. If the comment is meant to be unkind - that is different.

So sorry for losing Andrew. My MIL lost her first child ( still born ) & she always said I have 5 children , one no longer with us. Never forgotten. & I do not think for a moment she would have re used the name even though it might have been a family thing. Dh & siblings all got different names

All best to you @forgiveormakehimpay 💩

BasiliskStare · 14/10/2022 00:38

@forgiveormakehimpay I have no idea what that little icon is - it looks dreadful - I was meaning to do flowers - so so so sorry for my incompetence - Oh I feel dreadful - so sorry

PoundOfNesh · 14/10/2022 00:42

BasiliskStare · 14/10/2022 00:38

@forgiveormakehimpay I have no idea what that little icon is - it looks dreadful - I was meaning to do flowers - so so so sorry for my incompetence - Oh I feel dreadful - so sorry

It’s a shit

BasiliskStare · 14/10/2022 00:46

Oh bejesus - that was not what I meant what I meant I meant to do

thinline · 14/10/2022 00:47

Wow some of the replies are really fucking harsh considering the circumstances. Some posters need to be a bit more gentle towards op who first lost her son and is now parenting single-handedly, going through a marriage break up and now has this vile unhinged woman bringing up a sensitive subject in a not nice way

Yes op I think you would not be unreasonable to not forgive her. She sounds like a cunt

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son xx

2bazookas · 14/10/2022 00:52

Is it possible she spoke clumsily/you misunderstood, and what she was actually referring to was the loss of grandbaby Andrew. Then she felt terrible for reminding you, and bolted.

Bigslippers · 14/10/2022 00:52

So very sorry for your loss OP

Ive lost a son too and what she said is the biggest insult ever. She hasn't acknowledged Andrew.

Im angry on your behalf. That would be it for me. Beyond insensitive, a slip up or absent minded. What she said is cruel

MightyOaks · 14/10/2022 01:01

wonderingwhatsnext · 13/10/2022 21:31

I think YANBU. I would interpret that as telling you that you are no longer welcome since the spilt with your XH.

What exH? OP doesn't mention an exH?

BadNomad · 14/10/2022 01:05

MightyOaks · 14/10/2022 01:01

What exH? OP doesn't mention an exH?

Show quote history

It's in her OP. Last paragraph.

PoundOfNesh · 14/10/2022 01:07

MightyOaks · 14/10/2022 01:01

What exH? OP doesn't mention an exH?

Show quote history

Reading is fundamental -

“AIBU to never forgive her? Split with my H a few weeks ago because he wasn't helping with DS1”

MightyOaks · 14/10/2022 01:08

@BasiliskStare Sorry I can’t help but laugh at the accidental poo! I can just imagine you like wth is that?!

MightyOaks · 14/10/2022 01:09

@PoundOfNesh She hasn't divorced him though? Sorry I thought this was one of those thread no 2, which I haven't read the first of. Thought I'd missed something. As you were....

BasiliskStare · 14/10/2022 01:13

@MightyOaks - I don't know whether to laugh or cry I have asked for the post to be removed & the post which pointed out what it was . In my defence I have very bad eyesight and my keyboard needs new batteries, I examined the icon with my magnifying glass and thought Oh what the holy fuck is that . Certainly not what I meant to do. You are correct imagining my panic ;)

Canthave2manycats · 14/10/2022 01:25

Absolute bitch!! Cut her loose along with your useless ex!! So sorry about Andrew - that must have been so much to bear and for that twat to disrespect that - wow! If she wants a relationship with her GC, let your ex facilitate that! They are nothing to you any more xx

Hoplesscynic · 14/10/2022 02:47

BasiliskStare · 14/10/2022 01:13

@MightyOaks - I don't know whether to laugh or cry I have asked for the post to be removed & the post which pointed out what it was . In my defence I have very bad eyesight and my keyboard needs new batteries, I examined the icon with my magnifying glass and thought Oh what the holy fuck is that . Certainly not what I meant to do. You are correct imagining my panic ;)

Not wishing to detract from the thread but this is hilarious! 😂

Very odd comment OP and I'm also inclined to think she realised what she was doing. Why else add the "it's hard to hear" like she knew it would upset you.

But where was her son during this comment?

IndianSummer78 · 14/10/2022 02:52

forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 21:38

Because she was really not impressed I'd broken up with her son, and he's back living with her again.

She even said over WhatsApp recently 'I hope you're there! I don't want to miss out on DGS because you aren't around anymore. Show your face won't you!'

Show quote history

I wouldn't have shown up to something if my invitation was worded like that. It's all "me me me" and "do as I say". Fuck that.

Sorry about your DS OP. Dismissing him as unimportant like that just because he's no longer alive is a nasty and vicious attack on you. I'd never have anything to do with her again.

She gets to see grandchildren when it's her son's contact time with them. If he doesn't facilitate that, tough luck. I don't think your DC will miss out from not being around such a horrible person, quite the opposite.

MsDogLady · 14/10/2022 02:58

@forgiveormakehimpay, this Scorpion invited you there to sting you. She intentionally inflicted that wound and used your dear Andrew to do it. That’s why she brought up her father in the first place.

Please stay away from this malicious woman who wanted to deeply hurt you. Flowers for you and Andrew

BeardyButton · 14/10/2022 03:33

Sunnyqueen · 13/10/2022 21:29

Why would you never forgive her for that? Bit odd.

Why would you question it? Bit odd….

missmamiecuddleduck · 14/10/2022 04:23

I'm so very sorry about your Andrew
Flowers

THEDEACON · 14/10/2022 04:29

What an absolute bitch Don't associate in her company any more She sounds horrendous and you do not need her approval

Ekátn · 14/10/2022 04:37

Op I am so sorry. My mums brother passed away when he was 3 months. He actually came up in conversation with my 11 year old yesterday. Mum is also gone, but my 11 year old was fully aware. Because we talked about him. , even though I never knew him. It’s unbelievably awful that they don’t talk about your son.

I assume she said it and it didn’t occur to her that she does, because for whatever reason, she doesn’t think about him. Which is just awful.

I do agree with the people who say, you aren’t wanted there. She wanted her grandkids there. After I split with exh I would have let him take the child to Mils birthday but not gone. I was with exh from 18 to 34. I haven’t heard from either of my in laws since we split. Even when my mum died. Though fil did call my dad. Some people just cut you off the minute you split. But it doesn’t sound like she was great before.

I am so sorry. I wouldn’t think of it as not forgiving, because that can often take up emotional energy. I would just write off any relationship with her. If she wants to see her grandkids, her son can organise it.

BritInAus · 14/10/2022 04:58

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious Andrew.

She sounds awful. If you've now split up, I think you can take that to be a clean break for you! She can certainly still see DG kids with your ex when he has them, or you could drop them off to her.

Enjoy the time without her, she sounds awful.

daisychain01 · 14/10/2022 05:34

Because she was really not impressed I'd broken up with her son, and he's back living with her again

Ha! Laugh heartily to yourself OP, she's only mardy with you because her pain-in the-arse son is back living with her when she thought she'd got well shot of him