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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to forgive MIL for this?

161 replies

forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 21:27

It was her birthday Sunday.

All 3 of her DC and their wives came to her house for a 'get together'

She was reminiscing about family and old times. Her dad came up in conversation

She said 'Ahh, I love the name Andrew. I so wish one of my grandchild got to have that name'

It was a bit of an awkward silence and then she looked at me and said 'Sorry but it's true :) I know that might be hard to hear' and she came over and patted me on the hand, before walking into the kitchen to ask if anyone wanted a top up

My son was called Andrew. He was born early and passed away shortly afterwards. Nobody has ever mentioned him since, and refuse to. But mention my SIL's stillborn daughter.

AIBU to never forgive her? Split with my H a few weeks ago because he wasn't helping with DS1. I came to her birthday because I thought I'd be wanted there

OP posts:
MyEasterEggs · 14/10/2022 07:43

Oh OP my heart goes out to you 😔

I lost my son in the second trimester and my OHs family rarely talk about him. PIL have never been all that supportive or understanding. My family aren’t much better, to be honest, but a cousin, SIL and a few friends have gone some way to keeping the memory of my boy alive.

Given the added information you’ve shared, I’d take this opportunity to step back and leave it up to your exH to maintain communication and ensure she sees her grandkids. Her behaviour sounds toxic and I think she’s shown her true colours. It demonstrates a complete lack of respect and perhaps some judgement around your experience of loss vs that of your SIL. This is something I’ve felt myself, from family and even from someone at a baby loss charity.

Ultimately, there’s no comparison. The loss of a baby is the loss of a baby, regardless of your personal experience 😢

SeasonFinale · 14/10/2022 07:48

Now you know. Avoid her. Any contact she has with your DS should now solely be during DH's contact time with his son and you shouldn't be drawn in to making the effort with her during your contact time at all.

BlackSwan · 14/10/2022 08:14

You really don't have to allow people like this to feature in your life, just cut her off.

WeepingSomnambulist · 14/10/2022 08:16

She knew exactly what she was saying. That's why she singled you out for the pat on the hand and "hard to hear" comment.

She basically said, "well, I know you called your son Andrew, but he died so it doesn't count and I dont actually have a grandchild called Andrew, do I?"

That's what she meant. That's why she said its hard to hear but it's true, because that's how she feels. She feels like that doesn't count. She is a total bitch. I wouldn't forgive her either.

Your son counts. She should never have said such an awful thing.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 14/10/2022 08:16

Did she mean she’s sorry she doesn’t still have a grandson with that name? I.e, she’s sad for the loss of your ds? By patting your hand it’s possible she meant that.
As you and stbxh have split you’re unlikely to see much of her in the future.
I’m very sorry for your loss.

Musti · 14/10/2022 08:20

What an evil cow. And I’m surprised no one said anything.

sandytooth · 14/10/2022 08:28

Musti · 14/10/2022 08:20

What an evil cow. And I’m surprised no one said anything.

I can imagine everyone else stunned into silence and not really knowing how to react tbh

lampturnedoff · 14/10/2022 08:29

dammit88 · 14/10/2022 07:18

Sorry for your loss. it was an awful thing to say. Was your ex Andrews dad? I imagine he must have been devastated too at his own mother saying such a thing?

No. My Andrew was the pregnancy nobody wanted except me Sadly

diddl · 14/10/2022 08:39

I do think it's odd that you went as your ex could have looked after your son.

Well you know what as nasty bitch she is & to keep well away.

No. My Andrew was the pregnancy nobody wanted except me Sadly

Bloody hell that's awful.

I think you've had a namechange fail?

Squirrelvillage · 14/10/2022 08:40

Absolutely awful, I would never go again. Sorry you had to go through that.

PurpleWisteria1 · 14/10/2022 08:41

so sorry for your loss. I would have been so upset by this comment.
Sounds like she wanted a grandchild called Andrew, and the one grandchild that was called that sadly passed away and now because of that no others who came afterwards (if there were any) would ever be called Andrew. So she hasn’t a living grandchild called Andrew. That’s what she was meaning.
She should have kept that to herself 100%. Absolutely no need to verbalise it to you. It goes without saying that everyone would wish your Andrew was still here.

CosyDarkNights · 14/10/2022 08:46

Nasty of her but what were you doing at her birthday if you've separated from her son? Surely you didn't expect a warm welcome? My husband's family has a few divorces, as soon as people separate the ex is dropped like a hot potato and ripped apart (even if their rele has clearly been a shit!). Awful thing to say but you should distance yourself anyway.

RampantIvy · 14/10/2022 08:47

Ha! Laugh heartily to yourself OP, she's only mardy with you because her pain-in the-arse son is back living with her when she thought she'd got well shot of him

And it's made her realise what kind of man she has brought him up to be.

Sorry for your loss @forgiveormakehimpay Flowers
At least the others had the grace to feel embarrassed on your behalf as well.

jays · 14/10/2022 08:47

I would never speak to her again in ky life. Genuinely. That is beyond cruel, it’s actually down right evil. Get her out of your life. What a vile creature she is. So sorry that happened to you and so sorry for your loss.

Inertia · 14/10/2022 08:57

So sorry for the loss of your Andrew.

I think @PurpleWisteria1 has it- MIL is trampling over your grief because she wanted a living grandson named Andrew. It’s breathtakingly cruel, but to her having an heir to carry the name is more important than the loss of your precious boy. I would struggle to forgive this, and would not spend time with her again.

She’s made it clear that she expects you to be at her beck and call in providing access to her grandchild. Don’t be. Your Ex can facilitate her contact with your child in his own contact time.

WisherWood · 14/10/2022 08:58

forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 22:20

But she wanted me there?

Show quote history

Not for nice reasons though. So that she could haul you in and humiliate you for daring to split with her son. I think you'd be better off cutting ties with her as much as possible. Just keep a formal access arrangement with your child's father. I'm betting part of the reason you split is because his ability to have relationships has been messed up by her.

alwayscheery · 14/10/2022 09:01

WeepingSomnambulist · 14/10/2022 08:16

She knew exactly what she was saying. That's why she singled you out for the pat on the hand and "hard to hear" comment.

She basically said, "well, I know you called your son Andrew, but he died so it doesn't count and I dont actually have a grandchild called Andrew, do I?"

That's what she meant. That's why she said its hard to hear but it's true, because that's how she feels. She feels like that doesn't count. She is a total bitch. I wouldn't forgive her either.

Your son counts. She should never have said such an awful thing.

This.
And
"Show your face"
Is hardly a sincere invitation.

RainbowsMoonbeams · 14/10/2022 09:04

If her son is anything like his mother, you absolutely did the right thing in leaving him.

Nasty woman.

So sorry for your loss.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/10/2022 09:04

I am so sorry. This was clearly a malicious act carefully curated to create as much pain to you as possible. Ie you have stabbed my little boy by making him leave the marital home, therefore I am going to take my revenge.

Do you know why his family don’t talk about your lovely little boy? Is your sil the blood daughter? I imagine she is.

ancientgran · 14/10/2022 09:14

So much of communication isn't just the words so it is easy to misinterpret but I'd have thought she was sad about her dad and your baby and that your son never had a chance to use the name. Don't you think she'd love to have your little Andrew running around?

Obviously I didn't hear it so hard to know but the touching your hand sounds sympathetic and the being hard for you to hear would make me think that she assumes you don't like to talk about Andrew.

You know her so I suppose you know if she is that nasty.

billy1966 · 14/10/2022 09:19

PurpleWisteria1 · 14/10/2022 08:41

so sorry for your loss. I would have been so upset by this comment.
Sounds like she wanted a grandchild called Andrew, and the one grandchild that was called that sadly passed away and now because of that no others who came afterwards (if there were any) would ever be called Andrew. So she hasn’t a living grandchild called Andrew. That’s what she was meaning.
She should have kept that to herself 100%. Absolutely no need to verbalise it to you. It goes without saying that everyone would wish your Andrew was still here.

This.

She knew well what she said.
Dreadful thing to say.

Step far, far away.

My friends husband had a huge falling out when his mother asked them "not to waste his father's name" on his still born son.
Huge upset.
She later explained that she adored her husband and didn't want it associated with such sadness, but the hurt it cost to her grieving bewildered son, was unbelievable.

In this case it was just one of many, many tactless remarks my friend endured when she lost her son.

30 years ago I had no idea how extraordinarily insensitive people could be with miscarriage and stillborn babies, not least the hospitals themselves.

Words can really wound you.

I'm so sorry OP for your loss of baby Andrew, which is a lovely name.

mam0918 · 14/10/2022 09:23

I would have straight up said 'MIL I'm worried you might be showing early signs of dementia, how else have you forgot you DO have a beautiful grandchild called Andrew'.

I wouldnt care if its rude or her birthday, that level of nastiness is unacceptible and needs to be put back in its place.

okytdvhuoo · 14/10/2022 09:25

What a cunt. YANBU. Well rid.

Sorry OP this says everything about her – very pathetic and gross behaviour.

BatsAtHome · 14/10/2022 09:25

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. Remember - you KNOW if someone has done you dirty or mistreated you - we only ever ruminate on it or ask others because we don't truly trust ourselves. Work on trusting yourself.
Forgiveness is separate from protecting ourselves from mistreatment. You could forgive her but still never willingly put yourself in her presence again.
I am so sorry for your loss.

pinheadlarry · 14/10/2022 09:28

She sounds mean spirited..
Do you think she absent mindedly said it and then out of embarrassment said the "sorry but its true"
Or do you think she said it to deliberately hurt you?

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