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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to forgive MIL for this?

161 replies

forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 21:27

It was her birthday Sunday.

All 3 of her DC and their wives came to her house for a 'get together'

She was reminiscing about family and old times. Her dad came up in conversation

She said 'Ahh, I love the name Andrew. I so wish one of my grandchild got to have that name'

It was a bit of an awkward silence and then she looked at me and said 'Sorry but it's true :) I know that might be hard to hear' and she came over and patted me on the hand, before walking into the kitchen to ask if anyone wanted a top up

My son was called Andrew. He was born early and passed away shortly afterwards. Nobody has ever mentioned him since, and refuse to. But mention my SIL's stillborn daughter.

AIBU to never forgive her? Split with my H a few weeks ago because he wasn't helping with DS1. I came to her birthday because I thought I'd be wanted there

OP posts:
WhatsAVideo · 13/10/2022 22:58

She’s a cunt.

We have stillborn babies, SIDS babies, NICU death babies in our family and all of them are talked about, by name, even the ones who died 60 odd years ago.

NoSki · 13/10/2022 23:00

So sorry to hear about Andrew, he is as much her grandchild as anyone else.
she’s a total bitch and rejoice in that being the last time you ever have to see her. That was unforgivable.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 13/10/2022 23:03

Wait so she did have a grandson called Andrew? Abeit briefly. Or was your son not your husbands child?

Tricky to understand the context. It sounds possibly in bad taste but I am not sure unforgivable.

TheUsualChaos · 13/10/2022 23:03

forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 22:20

But she wanted me there?

Show quote history

In the nicest possible way, she didn't want you there, she wants the grandchildren there and it's was just more convenient for all if you brought them and took them home again.

In future if she wants to see them let exH do the leg work. She sounds horrible and you don't need to pander to her. Spend time with people who care and don't say things intended to hurt you.

patchysmum · 13/10/2022 23:04

why did you not say anything I would have been furious and said but one of your grandchildren did have that name even though he died it WAS his name

ClaryFairchild · 13/10/2022 23:04

Op, from what you said about her invite, she didn't want YOU there, she wanted her grandchildren there so wanted you to come so that you could bring them. "I don't want to miss out on DGS because you aren't around anymore" is very telling.

BoudiccaVibes · 13/10/2022 23:06

That's fucking awful of her. Even if she didn't want you there (?).

Sorry for your loss. I wouldn't bother with them again.

Thedogscollar · 13/10/2022 23:08

I just can't fathom how somebody could be so cruel about their own grandchild.
So sorry OP, for you and Andrew.
Andrew is your son, her grandson and he should be talked about and remembered at all times.
What she said was unforgivable and for me that relationship would be over.

CallTheMobWife · 13/10/2022 23:09

Sunnyqueen · 13/10/2022 21:29

Why would you never forgive her for that? Bit odd.

Are you actually cracked? She said she wished one of her grandchildren got to have a name...that was actually the name of her dead grandchild, who they all refuse to ever mention.

OP, you're better off without the lot of them.

Starcatty · 13/10/2022 23:13

She was being manipulative and cruel. I can understand how it may have been difficult to say something at the time in front of the rest of the family but this is unforgivable.
Sorry for your loss.

ArcaneWireless · 13/10/2022 23:16

She is not your family OP.

She can see the kids when your ex has them.

She does not deserve your time if she will not remember your son and speak of him kindly.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Tootels · 13/10/2022 23:17

Sunnyqueen · 13/10/2022 21:29

Why would you never forgive her for that? Bit odd.

How could you have read that any other way. Hoping you're drunk and not usually like that. My god!!! Are you not going to ask for it to be deleted?

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 13/10/2022 23:19

Tootels · 13/10/2022 23:17

How could you have read that any other way. Hoping you're drunk and not usually like that. My god!!! Are you not going to ask for it to be deleted?

Show quote history

That PP stated further up the thread she completely misread and apologised.

Tootels · 13/10/2022 23:21

I know

Shoemadlady · 13/10/2022 23:27

Did your X, her son say, you have a grandchild called Andrew? If not, he sounds spineless and I think you're better off.
So sorry for your loss x

Nanny0gg · 13/10/2022 23:30

forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 22:20

But she wanted me there?

Show quote history

She wanted your son there.

She can see him when his father has him.

Distance yourself, you owe her nothing

SuperCamp · 13/10/2022 23:31

I don’t know.

Was she meaning that she was so sad that Andrew did not live longer as a grandchild with the name?

So sorry for your loss OP.

Herejustforthisone · 13/10/2022 23:41

I’m really sorry about Andrew @forgiveormakehimpay.

I suspect you’re well rid of them all. She sounds cruel and your H sounds like a lazy prick. Stick with your own nice family.

Obki · 13/10/2022 23:42

So sorry for your loss, OP.

I think her choice of words was very bad, but I suppose she meant that there isn’t someone carrying on the name Andrew, which was her dad’s.

It’s a thought she may have had but should have never expressed into words, especially if she talks about SIL’s stillbirth.

PoundOfNesh · 13/10/2022 23:46

forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 22:20

But she wanted me there?

Show quote history

But she didnt

her message was clear she doesn’t want to miss out on seeing her DGC and thinks seeing you is the way to do that.

perfectlypickled · 13/10/2022 23:50

The pat on the shoulder as she walks by… perhaps I am cynical, but to me it’s an admission, acknowledgment that she knew precisely what she was doing.

You don’t need this in your life… see how much lighter you become when you cast her and her games aside.

Be safe🌷

Cats4life · 14/10/2022 00:02

Reread that msg from her, she didnt want you there, never really said she wanted you there she wanted her GC there and said you could show your face.

Sorry but I also think she did this on purpose, true sometimes people say very thoughtless things but she didnt react with embarrassment or horror as most people who have made a stupid comme t like that would. on the contrary, she acknowledged what she said was inappropriate but said it was true and patted you on the shoulder and walked away???? No she knew exactly what she was saying. If I said something stupid like that I would apologise immediately and be mortified not basically defend my stupid comment

But what was everyone elses response including your ex?

BadNomad · 14/10/2022 00:13

I think you're soon going to realise that you aren't anything to her. You'll always be her grandchildren's mother, but you won't be seen as part of her family any more. Her loyalty will be with her son.

Ahnobother · 14/10/2022 00:20

What an absolute bitch she is.
I'm sorry for the loss of your lovely boy Andrew OP. I'm glad your family remember him with you. He will always be part of you.

Don't make a single bit of effort with her. She's not worth your energy.

TempNameChangexx · 14/10/2022 00:20

You can just ignore that awful woman for the rest of your life.
So sorry you lost Andrew x