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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to forgive MIL for this?

161 replies

forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 21:27

It was her birthday Sunday.

All 3 of her DC and their wives came to her house for a 'get together'

She was reminiscing about family and old times. Her dad came up in conversation

She said 'Ahh, I love the name Andrew. I so wish one of my grandchild got to have that name'

It was a bit of an awkward silence and then she looked at me and said 'Sorry but it's true :) I know that might be hard to hear' and she came over and patted me on the hand, before walking into the kitchen to ask if anyone wanted a top up

My son was called Andrew. He was born early and passed away shortly afterwards. Nobody has ever mentioned him since, and refuse to. But mention my SIL's stillborn daughter.

AIBU to never forgive her? Split with my H a few weeks ago because he wasn't helping with DS1. I came to her birthday because I thought I'd be wanted there

OP posts:
Taillighttoobright · 14/10/2022 05:38

daisychain01 · 14/10/2022 05:34

Because she was really not impressed I'd broken up with her son, and he's back living with her again

Ha! Laugh heartily to yourself OP, she's only mardy with you because her pain-in the-arse son is back living with her when she thought she'd got well shot of him

This ^

Original poster
forgiveormakehimpay · 14/10/2022 05:39

But what was everyone elses response including your ex?

Silence.

OP posts:
Original poster
forgiveormakehimpay · 14/10/2022 05:41

BasiliskStare · 14/10/2022 00:38

@forgiveormakehimpay I have no idea what that little icon is - it looks dreadful - I was meaning to do flowers - so so so sorry for my incompetence - Oh I feel dreadful - so sorry

Oh don't worry Flowers it looks so out out of place it made me giggle :) especially since another poster quickly commented in response 'it's a shit'

OP posts:
Sunshineboo · 14/10/2022 05:46

I am really sorry you had to go through that

  • such a horrible comment. it also sounds like they did not support you through your heartbreaking loss.

i think she wanted to see her grandchild rather than you OP which just shows what a tosser she is. and what she said was utterly unforgivable.

in the future tell her if she wants to see her grandchild to talk to her son and arrange
for when he has them.

this family do not deserve your kindness and you do not need their approval.

I really hope you have some RL support -
this is a lot to deal with.

AllotmentTime · 14/10/2022 05:55

That WhatsApp from her was lining you up to make sure that even though you’ve split with her son, you’re still going to see it as your job to run around to family events in his side making sure that MIL sees her GC. And it worked, she got you to come running.

And tbh, “show your face” could easily be read as “drop them off and say hi to the rest of us”. Did she actually want you to stay??

MargotChateau · 14/10/2022 05:58

Gosh I’m not surprised that you have left your husband, the apple doesn’t fall far from the bitchy tree.

You now no longer need to have any relationship with such a toxic character. If she wants to see her gc it can been on your exes custody days.

sorry for your loss. Having a MIL who is also breathtakingly insensitive and nasty about our previous pregnancy losses, she will be getting a sharp surprise when our (current pregnancy) baby arrives and she is not welcome in our home.

Read the book Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward, while you aren’t together with your ex anymore it will give you permission based on her behaviour to let the relationship go, and strategies to do this.

LearnerCook · 14/10/2022 06:00

What a cruel thing to say. Your son is gone so he no longer counts? I'm quite staggered by how insensitive and downright bloody vicious that is I think I'd have trouble getting past that, too, OP.

My heart goes out to you.

category12 · 14/10/2022 06:02

Wow.

She knows exactly how to stick the knife in doesn't she?

Don't go to any more family occasions eith or at the ex in-laws. That's the joy of splitting up with him, you don't have to see them ever again if you don't want to. Fuck them.

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 14/10/2022 06:09

I'm sorry OP. I think after a split, it sometimes becomes clear that some MIL view DIL as a necessary evil, and put on a kind and loving front, but actually, they don't care for you at all, it's purely for their son's benefit.

I've come to realise that that's exactly how my (not really - weren't married) MIL sees me, after I also took the kids to visit her, thinking we could maintain a relationship despite the truly unforgivable behaviour of her son.

More fool her. If she could have kept up the pretence then I would have schlepped over to her on the plane with the kids more - now, she can wait until she either bothers to come and visit us (and she can stay in a hotel - after all, that's what she had me and the kids do for our visit). Or she can wait until their dad bothers to see them for more than 8 hours a fortnight and brings them.

I was always kind, pleasant, and bent over backwards. Not any more, not now she's made it clear (and TBH, lots of other things over the past 11 years fall into place too now that I've stepped back)

WendyWagon · 14/10/2022 06:28

I am sorry for your loss. My son died at 22 weeks and he was never spoken about for 17 years. I think it might have been a generational thing with my parents. My older son often talks about him now they are gone. I am afraid I would ignore your mil if she asks you around again.

kateandme · 14/10/2022 06:42

I no you say she reels you in,you still want that kind of motherly approval. But fuck it.she’s given you nothing that deserves that halo.
unless this was an EXTREME out of character experience it’s time to make her an ex too.
you can do that op you are strong enough for that.you don’t need people in your life that could ever make you feel like that.
also the fact other we’re silent.that would not have happened here.or they would have certainly run to your side straight after she’d walked away.
do you see a reconciliation with your ex?
he’s perfectly capable to facilitate her seeing her gs.
step back and move on for your own sake.

GloriousGlory · 14/10/2022 06:43

She's awful, what a dreadful thing to say!

I'm sorry you lost Andrew OP, totally heartbreaking.

worriedatthistime · 14/10/2022 06:43

You don't need to have a relationship with her now your ex dh ) or maybe soon to be) can facilitate the relationship with your child and her when he has his visitation etc

worriedatthistime · 14/10/2022 06:46

Sorry for your loss , you should feel able to speak about your son whenever he is part of you

emanresuymevas · 14/10/2022 06:46

2bazookas · 14/10/2022 00:52

Is it possible she spoke clumsily/you misunderstood, and what she was actually referring to was the loss of grandbaby Andrew. Then she felt terrible for reminding you, and bolted.

That has to be the most generous interpretation of this situation ever possible.

OP she's just rewritten the dictionary definition of bitch.

On the upside everybody else in the room was shocked - speechless - at what she said. So you were not alone in that moment in your understanding.

Never go back. And she can see her grandkids when her DS has them. You're under no obligation to facilitate anything for her.

Oceans12 · 14/10/2022 06:50

It was a bit of an awkward silence and then she looked at me and said 'Sorry but it's true :) I know that might be hard to hear' and she came over and patted me on the hand, before walking into the kitchen to ask if anyone wanted a top up

Nasty, just plain nasty.

At that point OP, I would have excused myself and walked out.

You can forgive her or not forgive her as you please, but I would now have minimum contact with this poisonous woman.

Was your estranged husband there when she said this?

sandytooth · 14/10/2022 06:57

forgiveormakehimpay · 14/10/2022 05:39

But what was everyone elses response including your ex?

Silence.

Tbh I think I'd be stunned into silence too.

Never go back there

Wishihadanalgorithm · 14/10/2022 06:59

That’s a vile thing for her to have said. The fact she patted your hand shows she understood it would upset you. She is a c?nt of the highest order.

Have nothing to do with the her now. You’ve split with her son, he can facilitate her relationship with the children from now on.

Oceans12 · 14/10/2022 07:05

@Wishihadanalgorithm

Have nothing to do with the her now. You’ve split with her son, he can facilitate her relationship with the children from now on.

^^ This.
And thank your lucky stars that you had the good sense to split with her son - as others have said "the fruit doesn't fall very far from the tree".

Upwards and onwards OP.

SMrs · 14/10/2022 07:08

forgiveormakehimpay · 13/10/2022 21:27

It was her birthday Sunday.

All 3 of her DC and their wives came to her house for a 'get together'

She was reminiscing about family and old times. Her dad came up in conversation

She said 'Ahh, I love the name Andrew. I so wish one of my grandchild got to have that name'

It was a bit of an awkward silence and then she looked at me and said 'Sorry but it's true :) I know that might be hard to hear' and she came over and patted me on the hand, before walking into the kitchen to ask if anyone wanted a top up

My son was called Andrew. He was born early and passed away shortly afterwards. Nobody has ever mentioned him since, and refuse to. But mention my SIL's stillborn daughter.

AIBU to never forgive her? Split with my H a few weeks ago because he wasn't helping with DS1. I came to her birthday because I thought I'd be wanted there

I'm sorry for your loss and that your little boy isn't mentioned.

As you have other grandchildren I would keep a relationship for their sake but I would back off personally.

My MIL is a real b*ch and super malicious with me and my husband but she is wondering with my children.

We've had some big ding dongs over the years and now we only have a relationship for my children and we only talk about the kids. Don't see her often and the boys mostly go to her. Suits us all fine

dammit88 · 14/10/2022 07:18

Sorry for your loss. it was an awful thing to say. Was your ex Andrews dad? I imagine he must have been devastated too at his own mother saying such a thing?

keeprunning55 · 14/10/2022 07:31

That’s appalling. I assume she knew your sons name was Andrew?
Im so sorry.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 14/10/2022 07:34

I would just never speak to her or your dh siblings again just on this basis.
Some people do have a good relationship with inlaws post separation but that depends on them not being cunts.

Blueblell · 14/10/2022 07:40

Do you think perhaps she was clumsy with her wording? She patted you on the hand so I would take that as acknowledgement of your loss.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/10/2022 07:41

One of the best things about getting divorced was that I no longer had to pretend to care what my exMiL thought of me. It’s very liberating.

im so sorry for your loss OP.