Dm said she’s never seen a child as bad before as Dd

[Allweatewasspaghettihoops]

Parents are here to stay, Dd just 4 has always been energetic but not hugely difficult in behaviour. Since around March, we saw some changes and the last few months she’s having fairly bad meltdowns and is speaking not that nicely and being impatient and shouting/crying a lot, plus wanting things her own way.
Shes been over excited because they’re here and has also had less sleep. We’ve been going out everyday and today we got up as usual and went to get ready. As I was doing her hair, she completely lost it, screaming and crying and saying I was doing it wrong, each time I kept trying to do what I thought she was asking, I was getting it more wrong and she was getting more upset.
I tried really hard to keep my patience, but I admit I felt out of control and just could not calm her down at all. I ended up sitting away a little on the bed and crying in frustration.
Dm came up looking really shaky and upset and almost crying and asked if I was ok and all was ok, she put her hand on my shoulder.
I ended up being able to calm her down and we lay cuddled together. I was so emotionally drained and feel like I’m walking on eggshells sometimes with her behaviour.
This afternoon I was talking to dm and she was saying none of us were anything like that and that she’s worked in a nursery and never seen a child get like that…ever 😢
She says I should go to the doctor with her asap.
I agree that this mornings episode was v intense and probably the worst I’ve had as she looked like something was driving her and she literally couldn’t stop. But I’m feeling really shocked and upset by the way Dm has described it all and I’m really worried now.
Does this sound really terrible for a just turned 4 year old?

Sounds like just what your DD needs, some quiet downtime with just you.

I find it really tough having anyone to stay now because I know DD needs that downtime which she doesn't get and I feel pulled in all directions trying to "host" or be sociable as well as doing everything I need to do for DD.

Your parents are probably being moody because you haven't sagely nodded and agreed with their opinions on your daughter (I don't agree with them either by the way, they sound out of touch and judgmental). Just enjoy today the two of you, let go of any guilt and maybe send them a text suggesting a takeaway or some dinner plans. Act like you're not aware they're in a mood and they'll probably snap out of it. Don't let them doubt yourself or your daughter.

Sounds like my daughter at 4....now a lovely 10 year old. hair brushing was a real trigger to meltdowns up to 7 or so

I think she should have gone. The gymnastics is exercise which will tire her out physically and mentally which promotes good healthy sleep. Getting her out the house and being around her peers is also healthy. It was only for a couple of hours. You are making a rod for your own back here.

@Pixiedust1234 Its once…she’s tired today and has plans with friends for a birthday party and playground meet up on Sunday and parents will probably want to go somewhere/do something tomorrow before they go.

@Pixiedust1234 As I also said, we’re going to take the dog for a walk in the woods after lunch

I haven’t read the full thread, only your messages, but it sounds to me like the problem is not your daughter but your mother and father.

Your daughter will be feeling just as judged and watched as you are, without the ability to process it – it’s no wonder she’s playing up. She needs to know that she’s okay, not constantly in the wrong.

I wonder if, even when your parents aren’t around, you’re carrying some of their judgement around in your head…? It sounds from what you’ve written that you adjust things to your daughter quite happily, when you’re not being told you’re in the wrong and although as an early poster said children need to know they’re not “mini dictators”, they also need to know that they matter and that they are okay.

I haven’t read the full thread, only your messages, but it sounds to me like the problem is not your daughter but your mother and father.

I agree - is it possible next time they visit they stop somewhere else - a b&B or airbed so it's less intrusive to your daily routine or meet at weekend somewhere in the middle or shorter visits.

It can be hard as we'be had family forget what young children are like and what they need and try and have their routines/set up in in our house - so if they stop elsewhere and you meet up it can avoid some big pitfalls.

Oh definitley an age and personality thing they they are likely to grow out of. So my ds aged 9 now was quite good. He had about 19 major tantrums in his life. Mainly when he didn't want to go to pre school when he was 2 to 3 years. And they weren't awful. He's still quite placid now. Ds 2 is 8 next month and he had such a temper and easily made angry and grumpy and would have epic tantrums again if he didn't fame pre school that day. It calmed down in year 1 when he was back at school more regularly after covid. Now he is so much better. He still gets angry quickly but doesn't take it out on anyone and wil have a bit of a sulk sort himself out and come back.

Dd aged 5 used to have quite dramatic tantrums and still does occasionally but I think she will simmer down soon. She has a big personality though and can be very shy at school.

Dd aged 3 has a big personality too and wil have tantrums 1 or 2 a week but nothing major. They will last up to 10 minutes but is fine at school.

To be honest they have always been praised on their behavior at school and can see that home tantrums have mellowed by the end of year 1. So aged 5 to 6. Hope that helps OP!!

Also my friends kids aged 9 used to be quite difficult for her but again by year 2 he had chilled out a lot!

Brilliant. Calm, decisive and exactly what your dd needs. If they happen to come back before you go, tell them you’re heading out the two of you with the dogs to give them all a bit of fresh air. Don’t give them the option to come. You can do the PA ‘oh no, put your feet up, you must be tired with all the walking along the beach’ and insist they stay home so they will be rested on their last evening with your dd.

As for why they’re sulking and angry. It’s because they sense today they’re losing their grip on you. I suspect they aren’t as nice a you actually think they are and your mum is only lovely if you’re compliant.

Also down time! She doesn't have to gp put everyday! We love home days. We go out as much as we can but at least twice a week stay home apart from school runs! Makes a huge difference!

As for why they’re sulking and angry. It’s because they sense today they’re losing their grip on you. I suspect they aren’t as nice a you actually think they are and your mum is only lovely if you’re compliant.

This but also they wanted you for the day and they didn’t want her and they didn’t get what they wanted. It will be positioned as they came all the way, they don’t want to spend all their time kowtowing to her, and there will probably be a veiled or not so veiled threat that they won’t bother next time. Smile and nod, and agree a shorter visit would probably work better now you have a child of your own. Be loving and bright but shut down conversations about what’s wrong with your child because it isn’t helping you or her or them. She doesn’t sound neurodiverse but if she was they’d still have to adapt. Contrary to popular belief the child is exactly the same with or without diagnosis and schools support based on need not Drs appointments. She’s fine now they’re gone and you are being more protective of her experience. They are adults and need to manage their own behaviour.

Honestly I think it’s totally normal and I’ll bet £100 that their own children were exactly the same! They just forget about those bits.

I’ve had loads of comments from my DM along the lines of ‘‘you never behaved like that’ - not true - my own aunt told me I put her off having children when I was 3 as I had such awful tantrums!

they grandparents like to think they were perfect parents and everyone was better behaved - I don’t believe a word of it!

Walking is different mentally and physically to gym. Being with a parent and dog is mentally and emotionally different to being with other children similar in age. Thats the part you don't seem to understand. You can have physical downtime but need mental uptime with others. We said she needed routine so you changed her routine of gym. I'm out.

@Itisbetter I don’t know if they even did want me for the day/morning

Children behave very differently in nursery and school to how they do at home.
Wish I had a pound for every time I told a parent how kind/quiet/pleasant/caring their child was in school to be met with Really?? They’re a little bu at home.
You love your dd unconditionally, she knows that, so she can play up. Her teacher or nursery teacher she’s not so sure about!
Im sure this’ll be a phase she’s going through, tough tho it is on you.

Dog walk sounds like a great idea. You're doing fine, OP. Family is difficult!

Thank you so much for all the support, actually just feeling so sad they can’t support me 🤷🏻‍♀️and actually it’s the opposite

Well they do say that 'No' is a complete sentence...

@Pixiedust1234 We said she needed routine so you changed her routine of gym. I'm out. what an extraordinary attitude. OP doesn’t have to agree with or follow any of the posts. She hasn’t signed up for parenting boot camp she’s looking for a space to think about what’s happening in her life.

I think a walk and a day at home are exactly what I would imagine will help. I think concentrate on dd and stop worrying about what your parents think. You can’t help it if they don’t approve of how you parent because you are doing what you think is right for dd. Be kind to them but you have good instincts and know your own child.

Look at Dr Becky Good Inside on Instagram. Lots here on emotional regulation for you, your daughter and your mum (who sounds like a windup tbh)…..

Your DD is in pre-school! She's not studying for her final exams in Oxford for crying out loud.

I think you are only discovering how controlling your mother actually is.

She probably does this in a very 'nice' controlled, but passive aggressive way so there is no outward 'unpleasantness' like shouting or even straightforward frank talk.
When she can't get her own way, she acts out her anger. So you get swooning and dramatic pearl clutching as well as going quiet, sniffing, avoiding eye contact and acting 'hurt'.

Your mother had full control of you before you had kids. You probably did her bidding and picked up her hints and knew what sort of actions she'd like you to take before she even suggested it.

Now your mother has to compete for your attention with your DD.

Therefore your DD is 'the bad guy' who is demanding and attention seeking.

Really? or is she just a 4yr old doing 4yr old stuff.

Your parents are having trouble adjusting to grandparenting rather than parenting - it's a different role. They've got used to 'parenting' you in a specific way even as an adult and having you react to them in a certain way.

You sound like you might be giving them mixed signals about your own role as a parent. Which is understandable, it's all new to you too.

Your role now is to put being a parent first - don't worry about how it looks to anyone else - do want you need to do for DD's discipline and routine as if they weren't there. Don't do extra stuff regarding DD just because they are there ie. don't waste time on 'nice' hairstyles etc

Your anxiety over having everything 'right' for your parents is being felt by your DD

You keep saying you want them to support you but you need to teach them how to support you as grandparents to your parenting role - if you are giving off stressed and 'help me' vibes without direction they are going to default to their parenting model which is to tell you what to do and get irritated when you seem not to take their instruction.

I know it's hard but this probably calls for a fake it till you make it tactic - deep breath and project calm, in control, I am the parent vibes. Let them know exactly what they can do to help and support in a calm way. Build a little internal brick wall around your brain so those feelings of being judged can't get through.

You are going to show both DD and her grandparents that everyone is safe with you in charge of the parenting role. Everyone can follow your lead.

Second this, have found her approach really helpful

@Pixiedust1234 You said her daughter needed routine. Many others said her daughter needed some chilled time at home. But no matter what anyone says it’s up to OP how she parents her daughter!
OP, good luck with the rest of the stay. It sounds like it’s been horribly stressful but hopefully this experience will help you figure out the best way for grandparent visits to happen in future.

Asked mum before If she was angry/upset with me as her and dad were miserable/angry.
It all came out…mum said she was upset that I took Dd out after her meltdown for a drive and got her McDonald’s. I took her out driving for hours in an attempt to calm get down and hopefully sleep…she didn’t, she got hungry..obviously and upset as we were supposed to be having a McDonald’s when we were originally meant to go out that morning, so we did a drive thru
Then she said that nothing was wrong with Dd this morning but I kept her off which was a change to the plans we’d made! Said she was upset as they only come to see me and started crying. I said my reasons behind it all to calm her etc and basically said my aim has to be to sort Dd at the moment?! So they were upset that I basically hadn’t made effort with them when I was trying to sort my Dd having a meltdown. We both cried and she said it was both of us having the wrong end of the stick.
Just feel emotionally messed up, is this normal?!