Dm said she’s never seen a child as bad before as Dd

[Allweatewasspaghettihoops]

Parents are here to stay, Dd just 4 has always been energetic but not hugely difficult in behaviour. Since around March, we saw some changes and the last few months she’s having fairly bad meltdowns and is speaking not that nicely and being impatient and shouting/crying a lot, plus wanting things her own way.
Shes been over excited because they’re here and has also had less sleep. We’ve been going out everyday and today we got up as usual and went to get ready. As I was doing her hair, she completely lost it, screaming and crying and saying I was doing it wrong, each time I kept trying to do what I thought she was asking, I was getting it more wrong and she was getting more upset.
I tried really hard to keep my patience, but I admit I felt out of control and just could not calm her down at all. I ended up sitting away a little on the bed and crying in frustration.
Dm came up looking really shaky and upset and almost crying and asked if I was ok and all was ok, she put her hand on my shoulder.
I ended up being able to calm her down and we lay cuddled together. I was so emotionally drained and feel like I’m walking on eggshells sometimes with her behaviour.
This afternoon I was talking to dm and she was saying none of us were anything like that and that she’s worked in a nursery and never seen a child get like that…ever 😢
She says I should go to the doctor with her asap.
I agree that this mornings episode was v intense and probably the worst I’ve had as she looked like something was driving her and she literally couldn’t stop. But I’m feeling really shocked and upset by the way Dm has described it all and I’m really worried now.
Does this sound really terrible for a just turned 4 year old?

I’d take your mum‘s opinion with a pinch of salt. Children at nursery won’t have the same type of meltdowns as at home with their safe person. Her memories about raising her own children are far and distant.
Talk to her current nursery once she’s settled and ask if they have any concerns.

ODFOD. The "one voice of dissent" because you don't have any idea what you're talking about and have taken your emotional response to this horrific story and placed it on this four year old instead of using critical thinking. You're probably one of those people who say "parents today are too soft", aren't you? OP's child is overwhelmed, overtired and over stimulated. Maybe leave this conversation for the people who know what they're talking about - and stop baiting the OP with an unrelated story and an inference that if she doesn't discipline her child she'll end up beating an autistic child in the local park in years to come. Complete idiocy.

I work in a nursery and I’m always fascinated by the way children I work with all day completely change when parents pick up. Especially ones that do longer days with us so more tired going home.
Many get stroppy, refuse to cooperate, become helpless to putting on shoes - all things that they would never do with staff. I definitely agree with home and parents being the safe space for they to express emotions. If it is extreme though or starts spilling into other areas in life then it doesn’t hurt to ask for support, even if just through the nursery initially as they can sign post other services locally.

Can I add that if you think of it from your DD's position, over 50% of her life (that she can remember at this point) has been in lockdown. Since lockdown lifted, she has had to adjust to so much in her little life. She has started nursery and she has visitors staying over for periods of time. From her point of view a week might as well be a month! She probably doesn't 'get' time.
Also, when you're doing her hair, doesn't matter if she is 4 or 14, if there is a knot in it, it's going to hurt trying to get it out. I would give her two options for her hairstyle and ask which she wants (make them easy for you to do), for example, two bunches or one ponytail? A ponytail or a pony plait? That's it. She can choose but that's it. If she doesn't like it, it stays loose and knots start and you can remind her that they hurt when they have to be brushed out (even with knot spray that you can get in most supermarkets or hairdressers).

I would try to establish a solid routine when your parents go home. Try not to overstimulate her. Keep things interesting but don't go over the top.

I also don't think that what your mother is 100% accurate. She was probably trying to make you feel better that you're not an overwhelmed mum and she said what she said. Your DD is not bad. She had a bit of a meltdown, and one that her granny saw/heard and probably isn't used to seeing/hearing her DGD behaving like that. Take it with a pinch of salt. I would think that the people that your DD sees regularly would have a better handle on what is up with your DD.

Best of luck with whatever comes next.

Just got up and Dd so tired, I’ve decided to keep her off today (only gymnastics today at Pre school) they asked why is she not going and quite literally huffed and rolled their eyes, I asked what was the matter and mum was cross and saying ‘Well it’s obviously good for her’ I said well this week she’s completely tired and overstimulated and out of her routine etc and because the way she was yesterday. She said ‘Well, that was yesterday’

Feeling so pissed off that I’m sat here being judged in my own home and feeling uncomfortable.

Am I in the wrong not sending her in?

She's probably a bit overwhelmed and shattered. Can you have a morning of PJs, playing and not going out? Give her a break from hair brushing and rushing around.

My daughter had some of the most mega tantrums. Much calmed when we worked out how to better deal with them- keep calm ourselves; leave alone, distract.

You are really feeling judged, aren’t you? I hope you’re taking all the post in about changing your behaviour and putting pressure on your dd, which is making her act out. It is you, who needs help with boundaries. You’re pissed off because you didn’t stand up for yourself and your lo.

I believe the words you were looking for is something along the lines of ‘Dd is my child and I am her mother. Eye rolling me is rude and dismissive. I am not a child and do not appreciate being treated like one.’

@LondonLovie That’s what I thought, but all awkward atmosphere and they’re obviously sat here expecting to go out

I dont think you're in the wrong, it's up to you. However I think time away from home playing with friends is probably exactly what she needed as you've just kept her in the environment that is causing the issues instead.

@Mummyoflittledragon Youre right

Your parents don't sound very nice OP. Send them out for the day to a garden centre or something and have a quiet day with just you and DD.

Why are they staying so long? Perhaps it's time they went home altogether. They're not coping well at all.

This is your DD using her imagination. Using the toilet roll as a road.
I am thinking that you parents have forgotten how little children behave and have become the type of grandparents that like to see little children but not actually hear little children.

You mentioned in a few of your posts that 'everyone' was waiting for you to get your DD ready and your DD said she was tired, she probably didn't really want to go out or if she did it was overwhelming to her that she had to be rushed. You probably don't rush her when you're going out, just you and her. Who was the 'everyone'? Was it your mum and dad or were there others waiting too? You could have said "Mum, Dad, why don't you start making your way to the car/tube station as I finish getting DD ready? I don't want her to feel under pressure and she is starting to get a bit stressed out this morning because I'm rushing her.

When you take your time, I'm guessing your DD doesn't behave like this, right? If that is true, then take your time. So what if they have to wait. They'll wait.

They can go out.. I would just say to them your DD needs a morning to relax at home. They might be relieved! Honestly, my DD is happier pottering at home with her toys than traipsing out and about all the time. Balance. Good luck!

God no. You know your daughter. Your mother is an interloper here. She doesn't live with your DD all the time and is only voicing her opinion based on a few days staying with you.

Time to put on your big girl pants and tell your mother that unless she has something nice to say, you'd rather she sat quietly, like she is expecting your DD to do.

Keep your daughter off today. You know her best!

They can go out on their own can't they?!

I'm feeling quite irritated and annoyed by them and I'm not even there.

I’d be inclined to let her go to her usual activity, purely to give her a break from your parents

Seriously @Avidreader69 ????

That's what you came on to the thread to post about???? That's hardly useful information for the OP right now. Not every 4 year old who misbehaves, turns into a tyrant that attacks other people. Now please, if you've nothing constructive to add to the conversation, stop posting on this thread.

There are plenty of others on Mumsnet who, I'm sure, would be only too delighted to discuss the benefits and not of sparing the rod to spoil the child.

This isn't one of those threads!!!!!!!

Tell them that they are adults and are capable of going about their day their way so you'll expect them back for dinner at around 5:30pm or whatever time works for you. You do not have to be joined at the hip to them, nor they to you. Send them on their way today and you and your DD have a lovely day, just the two of you.

I also think this sounds like a DM problem. Not all GPs adjust gracefully to the change in roles and not being ‘the adult in charge’ when in your house. And it can come out in subtle ways, not always obvious. Making you doubt yourself could be one way.

There was so much observer bias going on with my DM! I saw my DC with enough different people to know that their behaviour when she came to stay was not typical. My younger one in particular was so fractious when she was around.

They were picking up on my stress. This all culminated in the judgement that DC were spoiled, repeated for years. This coming from the mother who utterly indulged our baby brother and everyone saw it! And who had my DGM help her practically bring us up, while DH and I had almost no family help.

It’s almost comical now but was awful at the time. Wound me up so much. Also, for OP and PPs who’ve had their parents or in laws sit observing melt downs and then pass judgement - just maddening. All very well for them, and so easy to do, and to forget what it was really like, but parenting/childhood is not a spectator sport, how dare they do this when you’re right in the thick of it.

The best is those who just ‘know’. I remember those people’s input forever. Just a reassuring word or kind gesture. It helps you and that in turn helps you deal with your child. I had a chance recently, in the street, to do that for a parent with a screaming toddler. In fact the screaming stopped dead, just from curiosity from the child.

Before my nephew was born my mother would go on and on about how I was such a terrible baby/child, didn't sleep well, was naughty etc etc., very much blaming this on me.

When my nephew was born suddenly both her children were golden, had never behaved badly and any time my nephew didn't sleep well or was naughty it was all my sibling and his partner's fault.

Seriously I swear our parents get amnesia sometimes when the next generation is born.

I also get very irritated when adults get annoyed by children's behaviour that they themselves display.

Sounds like there are two sets of people getting emotional, irritated if things don't go the way they want etc etc but because the child verbalises theirs with tears and the grandparents with huffs and eye rolls suddenly their behaviour is fine and your DD's isn't?

Try not to doubt yourself so much OP, chilled out time with you sounds exactly what she needs. I know I parent slightly differently sometimes when I feel I’m being judged, if you can try to ignore the eye rolls and focus on DD today. I’m sure your parents are coming from a place of love and concern but they are really not helping and not supporting you as the parent.

@HellonHeels The plan was for us to go to the beach when Dd at pre school and for me to get her later and she joins us.
Everyone just sat here so I said (quite irritably) ‘So what do you want to do today?’ I said they could walk to the beach and I’d bring her up so we could get dressed and ready calmly. Mum said it’s a bit early and she’d wait and dad shrugged his shoulders…wtf! So sat here quietly, i’m just waiting for them to start to walk there so I can breathe finally. Feeling really pissed off now, it just doesn’t work having people stay when she’s this age.

You're her mum. You have to do what you think best not what granny thinks is best. Have a little more faith in your abilities.

You could be describing my 4 year old dd at times! I think it’s a stage. Mine are both perfect angels at nursery/with granny and save all the dramatics for me and their daddy! It’s because she knows you love her no matter what. I try to do what other pp said about teaching dd that if I’m doing a nice thing for her she ought not to tell me off for doing it “wrong”. Then walk off and do something else nearby until she gets ahold of herself. It is draining for sure 💐