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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have refused to take nephew out for the day?

286 replies

iz92 · 13/10/2022 12:00

Nephew is 15, y11, he hasn't done a full week at school this academic year with having one day off a week or attending one day and having the rest of the week off, he attended 4 days last week, had the Friday off and has so far had the whole of this week off, his parents don't seem to care, in their defence he did skip school Monday and Tuesday but yesterday he said he didn't want to go for no particular reason, and the same today. When he doesn't go he just stays in bed on his devices (which I wouldn't allow but I'm not his parent!).

Today, I'm going to take DD to a trampoline park, as she only attends nursery a few days a week and she's off today, his mum has asked if I can take him along as he'd enjoy it, I've said no as he should be at school and that'd be rewarding him for not attending and its half term soon so he can go then. BIL spoke to DH and DH has said I'm BU as I know nephew struggles with his anxiety which is probably why he isn't going, I disagree as yes I understand he has anxiety but I think he isn't going as he finds staying at home more fun.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HouseBook · 13/10/2022 12:02

I disagree as yes I understand he has anxiety but I think he isn't going as he finds staying at home more fun

Yours is the attitude I found the hardest when fighting my way through this with DD. She is younger and I have taken her out of school but the ignorance I had to deal with was strong.

Toddlerteaplease · 13/10/2022 12:03

I would have also refused as well.

MajorCarolDanvers · 13/10/2022 12:04

You seem to think nephew is just being naughty and you disapprove of your in laws.

School refusing is a complex issue and your nephew has anxiety.

You would benefit from learning more the issues involved.

Wayk · 13/10/2022 12:04

Anxiety is crippling, please offer support to the young man.

Sirzy · 13/10/2022 12:05

Don’t take him but stop being so judgemental of what you obviously don’t understand.

Hankunamatata · 13/10/2022 12:07

I have sen kids and no I wouldn't be taking them to do fun things when they have school refused and should be in school. I also dont allow electronics or gaming during school refusal when at home during school time.

CatchersAndDreams · 13/10/2022 12:08

Support isn't taking him to a trampoline park when not at school. Support would be taking him to a trampoline park after he managed a few weeks of full attendance.

Why are his parents just letting him stay in bed all day? If I was dealing with school refusal my dc would be up at the same time, chores, garden work, you name it they'd have to do it. Staying at home wouldn't be lying in bed all day on a device.

MiddleParking · 13/10/2022 12:10

If I was dealing with school refusal my dc would be up at the same time, chores, garden work, you name it they'd have to do it.

Surely if it was as simple as them doing what their parents say they have to, no kids would be school refusing in the first place Confused

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/10/2022 12:10

I wouldn't have taken him either.

ZekeZeke · 13/10/2022 12:11

I wouldn't take him but I wouldn't be so quick to judge, anxiety is hard to understand if you haven't been through it yourself. Show some empathy.

Cw112 · 13/10/2022 12:11

You're being unreasonable. You had the opportunity to spend time, give him value, boost his confidence and resilience and instead you took it upon yourself to punish him because you decided he should be able to manage his anxiety and not managing it is something to be punished. His parents are obviously aware why he struggles and are doing their best to support him, might not be how you'd handle it but he's not your kid.

JennyForeigner2 · 13/10/2022 12:12

HouseBook · 13/10/2022 12:02

I disagree as yes I understand he has anxiety but I think he isn't going as he finds staying at home more fun

Yours is the attitude I found the hardest when fighting my way through this with DD. She is younger and I have taken her out of school but the ignorance I had to deal with was strong.

There’s nothing ignorant about not taking a truant to a trampoline park.

There’s quite a lot of ignorance in thinking that someone not attending school,should be taken out for treats like this.

sunshineandsuddenshowers · 13/10/2022 12:12

Take him and watch together while you chat?

i don’t think school refusal is one bit fun for the school refuser…

HouseBook · 13/10/2022 12:13

If I was dealing with school refusal my dc would be up at the same time, chores, garden work, you name it they'd have to do it.

That's not really how it works.

DemelzaandRoss · 13/10/2022 12:13

Extremely fortunate you have not experienced crippling anxiety. Please do not be judgemental when you have not suffered yourself.
Mental health will always be a stigma when people sadly dismiss issues. Your nephew’s parents will be feeling sad & disappointed with you.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/10/2022 12:13

I'd have refused as well. He's supposed to be in school for goodness sake, and if he's not happy there then his parents need to work with the school to sort that out!

CatchersAndDreams · 13/10/2022 12:14

@MiddleParking well they wouldn't have ANY device or electronic inc TVs and phones if they refused to get out of bed. I'd be in there opening the curtains and windows at 7 and I'd be pulling them closer to me by having them do things with me rather than letting them fester away in bed all day.

I've worked in children's homes. Boundaries, cheerfulness and pulling dc in and getting them involved works well. Rewarding poor behaviour doesn't.

GiltEdges · 13/10/2022 12:15

Nope, I wouldn’t have taken him either. If your DH disagrees, let him take him.

wackamole · 13/10/2022 12:16

You don't have to take him, and you don't need to go into details about why not, but it's pretty predictable that what you did say to your (sister? SIL?) would get a negative reaction. If you're genuinely worried about your nephew, ask his parents directly (but tactfully!) what's going on with him in general; they may or may not want to share that information.

Your husband and BIL should stay out of it; if they'd like to take your nephew out I'm sure it can be arranged.

MiddleParking · 13/10/2022 12:19

CatchersAndDreams · 13/10/2022 12:14

@MiddleParking well they wouldn't have ANY device or electronic inc TVs and phones if they refused to get out of bed. I'd be in there opening the curtains and windows at 7 and I'd be pulling them closer to me by having them do things with me rather than letting them fester away in bed all day.

I've worked in children's homes. Boundaries, cheerfulness and pulling dc in and getting them involved works well. Rewarding poor behaviour doesn't.

Respectfully, if my grandmother had wheels she’d be a bicycle.

imnotwhoyouthinkiam · 13/10/2022 12:20

As the parent of a 15 year old school refuser... (he's attended 2 days since September)

I think a "treat" day out like a trampoline Park probably isn't the best thing to do. But getting him out doing something is good for his MH. On the recommendation of the doctor I try and get my son out for a short walk a few times a week, even if it's to the local cafe for a coffee/hot chocolate.

As for the suggestions of "work with the school" Umm... yea. Good luck with that. So far school have offered help like "well he has to be in school" and "that letter from the dr asking us to support him to work from home isn't good enough" and "if he doesn't come to school we will take you to court".
Hard to know how to work with that tbh.

Pinkdelight3 · 13/10/2022 12:22

If he's 15, he can go to the trampoline park any time he likes. He doesn't need OP to take him when she's doing it to spend time with her toddler. She can support her nephew (or not) in any number of ways, but it's a bit of a stretch to think she should do this for him and it's anything other than a jolly. His parents (and her DH) are out of order - they can take him themselves if they're really bothered in doing anything other than making it her issue to deal with.

Soapboxqueen · 13/10/2022 12:22

You don't have to take him anywhere if you don't want to.

However, school refusal and anxiety can be very difficult/complex problems to solve.

Schools can often just add to the problem and there is very little support for families other than 'just get them into school'.

I think if you can't be supportive you should probably just keep your distance. They don't need the extra stress.

namechange3394 · 13/10/2022 12:23

YANBU to not take him if you don't want to, but "I think he isn't going as he finds staying at home more fun" is an extremely naïve perspective on school refusal.

Ponoka7 · 13/10/2022 12:28

@Pinkdelight3

"If he's 15, he can go to the trampoline park any time he likes."

Unless his anxiety stops him going without an adult. It's important for the adults around the child to stop isolation building. Obviously the OP isn't willing to be part of his care, that's her choice.