To have refused to take nephew out for the day?

[iz92]

Nephew is 15, y11, he hasn't done a full week at school this academic year with having one day off a week or attending one day and having the rest of the week off, he attended 4 days last week, had the Friday off and has so far had the whole of this week off, his parents don't seem to care, in their defence he did skip school Monday and Tuesday but yesterday he said he didn't want to go for no particular reason, and the same today. When he doesn't go he just stays in bed on his devices (which I wouldn't allow but I'm not his parent!).

Today, I'm going to take DD to a trampoline park, as she only attends nursery a few days a week and she's off today, his mum has asked if I can take him along as he'd enjoy it, I've said no as he should be at school and that'd be rewarding him for not attending and its half term soon so he can go then. BIL spoke to DH and DH has said I'm BU as I know nephew struggles with his anxiety which is probably why he isn't going, I disagree as yes I understand he has anxiety but I think he isn't going as he finds staying at home more fun.


AIBU?

[BeardieWeirdie]

No bloody way would I be taking him. Of course he’d prefer to be in bed gaming/scrolling than going to school, what teenage boy wouldn’t? I’d it was my house, the wifi would be off and he’d have so many tedious jobs, he’d soon be begging to go back to school.

[Dozycuntlaters]

As you correctly point out you are not his parent so therefore it is not up to you whether he deserves to go somewhere or not. If you don't want to take him then fair enough but if your genuine reason is because he's not at school then that's pretty shitty as it is not your call to make. Having a child refuse school is highly stressful. My son went through a very short phase of this when me and my DH split up, taking him in, having the head peel his fingers off my cardigan whilst he begged me not to go was bloody heartbreaking, and I would never have punished him for that.

If you can't help but be judgy about this then just distance yourself (and pray to god karma doesn't bite you on the ass).

[CovertImage]

"Anxiety" is a bit of a catch-all on Mumsnet and seems to include any level of being anxious. Does he have an anxiety diagnosis?

[golddustwomen]

@Talkwhilstyouwalk i agree with this.

[iz92]

Yes, I know he is struggling with anxiety, but I do think some if it is due to him wanting to stay in bed on his devices as whenever BIL has taken his things in the past and has told him he needs to go to get them back, he goes the next day. I also don't think taking him somewhere fun will help him, as it is rewarding him for not going. I also wanted to have a nice afternoon spending time with just DD. DH is working so he cant take him, as is BIL.

[AnApparitionQuipped]

You don't have to take him anywhere. He's not your responsibility.

It might have been more tactful not to give his school attendance as a reason. You could have said you'd planned it to be just your DD as quality time for her, or something like that.

[Sirzy]

There is an awful lot of ignorance here about mental health that’s for sure.

if only it was as simple as “turn the wifi off and force them” that won’t do anything except make it so they don’t feel safe at home either.

[OriginalUsername3]

Letting your kid stay in bed playing computer games all day does help his anxiety at all. It's just lazy parenting.

[cultkid]

I wouldn't want to take my own child to the park if they refused to go to school but I would be working out why and trying to help them

As an Aunty it's not my job to discipline and I would take him to the trampoline park because it's an opportunity for him to feel secure and loved
Maybe he will open up to you and you can encourage him back to school
I would be trying to give him and his parents as much help as possible to navigate this really difficult time

I would take him, Yanbu in this situation

[GloriousGlory]

@iz92

Yes, I know he is struggling with anxiety, but I do think some if it is due to him wanting to stay in bed on his devices as whenever BIL has taken his things in the past and has told him he needs to go to get them back, he goes the next day. I also don't think taking him somewhere fun will help him, as it is rewarding him for not going. I also wanted to have a nice afternoon spending time with just DD. DH is working so he cant take him, as is BIL.

At least then if you're in the same situation when your DD is older, you'll be a far better parent and far better know what's the right course of action.

Good luck, you may need it!

[Motnight]

How would Op be helping her nephew's anxiety by taking him to a trampoline park?

[JennyForeigner2]

@GloriousGlory

At least then if you're in the same situation when your DD is older, you'll be a far better parent and far better know what's the right course of action.

Good luck, you may need it!

I doubt that the OP will bring up her children to truant though, so it’s something if a moot point.

Let’s be honest here, it’s generally not the children of people who value education who end up refusing to go.

[Soapboxqueen]

@Sirzy

There is an awful lot of ignorance here about mental health that’s for sure.

if only it was as simple as “turn the wifi off and force them” that won’t do anything except make it so they don’t feel safe at home either.

Agree

[Pinkdelight3]

DH and BIL aren't working all the time so they can take him, they just don't want to. It's not like you and the toddler are the big draw for the nephew so dressing it up like it's to be expected is BS.

Unless his anxiety stops him going without an adult.

Fair enough, but then he doesn't go to the trampoline park. They're not essential.

[Worthyornot]

Yanbu, I would see this as encouraging him or rewarding him for not going to school. If he has fun alternatives then why would he want to go to school. His parents need to tackle the issue rather than send him on a fun day out when he skipped school.

[VisitingThem]

I wouldn't have taken him OP.

It's not as simple as turning off the wifi and forcing them, but its also not 'ask someone else, who is going out with their pre school kid, to take them out for a treat day'.

[MajorCarolDanvers]

Let’s be honest here, it’s generally not the children of people who value education who end up refusing to go

Mental ill health can affect anyone.

With the value you place on education perhaps you could educate yourself about that.

[GloriousGlory]

@JennyForeigner2 no it's the parents of children that suffer anxiety that's children miss school.

[GloriousGlory]

@MajorCarolDanvers

Let’s be honest here, it’s generally not the children of people who value education who end up refusing to go

Mental ill health can affect anyone.

With the value you place on education perhaps you could educate yourself about that.

Well said!

Read that @JennyForeigner2 , be careful who you judge!

[ThisShipIsSinking]

This is exactly why thousands of parents are banging their heads against a brick wall with this kind of attitude, school refusal is not a choice, its not l can' t be bothered to go in today, its not bad parenting. It us a very complex mental health condition that in my experiance even the best so called experts have no idea how to treat. Adults are given medication to deal with such issues, and still struggle , young people are just expected to get on with it which is why HS has rocketed.
This young lad has been inflicted with a very cruel misunderstood mental disorder, yet seemingly everyone else with zero knowledge of what this issue involves think punishing them some more is the answer.
Don' t you think his parents have already exhausted all other options including taking his tech away ! It doesnt work, if it fucking well worked and was that easy there would be zero school refusers.

[Harridan1981]

@JennyForeigner2

I doubt that the OP will bring up her children to truant though, so it’s something if a moot point.

Let’s be honest here, it’s generally not the children of people who value education who end up refusing to go.

Really? As a former teacher and school governor, turned attendance officer and parent of a once school refuser, I would respectfully suggest that you know sweet FA.

[JennyForeigner2]

@MajorCarolDanvers

Let’s be honest here, it’s generally not the children of people who value education who end up refusing to go

Mental ill health can affect anyone.

With the value you place on education perhaps you could educate yourself about that.

Assuming that truancy is always caused by poor mental health perhaps eases the conscience of parents of truants, but assuming that it’s the only reason is definitely not an evidence-led position.

Anyway, despite the appalling attitudes of other posters, I agree with the OP, you don’t reward a truant with treats.

[FrankTheThunderbird]

Let’s be honest here, it’s generally not the children of people who value education who end up refusing to go.

ODFOD.

[JennyForeigner2]

@Harridan1981

Really? As a former teacher and school governor, turned attendance officer and parent of a once school refuser, I would respectfully suggest that you know sweet FA.

And I’d suggest that a parent of a persistent truant is unlikely to be able to honestly evaluate why other parents don’t have children with the same issues.

[SuperCamp]

It’s not up to you to make judgements about your nephew, but 100% up to you as to whether you want a teen on a day out.

Better he comes and fiends a day with his little cousin than huddling at home. It might help build his confidence.

I would be pretty dismayed at your purse-lipped judgey pants response to your SIL and BIL, tbh.