To have refused to take nephew out for the day?

Maybe those other parents should be thankful they haven’t had to face the same daily battles as other children have to.

sometimes it’s best to count your own blessings rather than judge situations you have no idea about

I would have declined as well. I wouldn’t be helping the child skip school as I don’t think that is a good way of dealing with the anxiety. The backlog of work it creates just piles onto the child and gives them even more to worry about. I would feel like I was contributing to the problem.

At the same time, you do have to let the parents handle their own child. I have a child with ASD and the resulting anxiety related to school and many people like to judge our decisions.

I know it sounds like those statements a contradictory. They aren’t really. My point is that I don’t have to agree with how the parents are handling the situation, my job is to stay out of it. They know their child best. They may not do everything perfectly because navigating these issues is hard, but they are still in the best position to make the ideal choices.

so in summary, they shouldn’t be pressuring you to help in a way that makes you uncomfortable and you should keep any critique to yourself.

So much anxiety that he can happily go to the trampoline park.

No, you're in the right. Parents aren't helping this kid

CatchersAndDreams

with respect, you know nothing.

My dd stats in bed because her mood is so low that she can’t do otherwise, because she is exhausted from the days she has managed to go in and needs to recover even to have a chance of making it in the next day.

I agree with you. I wouldn't take him either.

This thread is really depressing and shows how little understanding there is of anxiety and emotionally based school avoidance.

YANBU, I would have done the same,
I worry about this "he has anxiety" label.

He's a teenager. It's an anxious, unsettling time. For everyone.

Does he have an anxiety disorder? Is he receiving support from CAMHS or privately? Medication?

School refusal is going to make everything worse for your nephew long term as he gets further behind and more isolated.

So many fortunate people here who haven't had the horrendous battles brought on by a school refuser.
The vast majority of school refusers don't attend due to unmet needs, most often a neuro diversity. When my child became unable to attend school I tried everything, being forceful, working with the school, building up from just getting uniform on to tolerating looking through the classroom window. In hindsight, I should have listened to my child. My child became so unwell they never left their bedroom in over 6 months, suffered a mental health breakdown, panic attacks, was unable to sleep and tried to take their own life. Fighting every authority to try and access help was exhausting, while trying to hold down a job, attend appointments and fight for alternative education. Attitudes like the OPs disgust me. Neuro diverse people can mask behaviours to meet expectations. Online gaming is safe, predictable, and offers a distraction from reality that soothes many sufferers. Taking away electronics, insisting on expectations only forces more masking and ultimately burnout.
I would welcome a child expressing they can't tolerate school, verbalising they wanted to spend time with family. Embrace these times, you have no idea what battles the young person is facing.

Has he got a diagnosis? What help are they getting him?

YANBU to prefer an outing with your toddler that doesn’t include a 15 year old. They ABU to try and offload him onto you.

I disagree with your views on anxiety.

BIL spoke to DH and DH has said I'm BU this however is bloody ridiculous. DH can take him out if he's bothered.

So mum has told her husband who then rang your husband to have a go at you? Bizarre.

I also wanted to have a nice afternoon spending time with just DD this was reason enough

Perhaps you should have just said you want to spend the time with your DD.

an anxious teen and a pre schooler don’t sound like they would have much in common anyway.

Nah, she rejoined school in year 4 after being home educated for 4 years and is now in year 8. A brief flicker of almost refusing in year 7.

No one can tell nether the child in this instance is an anxious truant or a truly anxious refuser, even the OP.

I wouldn’t be taking him out as he isn’t your responsibility, but equally I wouldn’t be assuming poor parenting or behaviour on his part.

A happy, healthy 15 year old doesn’t want to be in bed alone all day or at a trampoline park with a toddler. They want to be out with their peers, at school or otherwise. A mentally healthy 15 year old does not isolate themselves like this.

@JennyForeigner2

Where is your evidence led position- cause so far your posts are just ignorant and prejudiced.

Absolutely correct, people with anxiety should not set foot outside the door. We should maybe consider maybe locking them up until they're able to do a full week at work or school.

I'm not going to take my massively anxious DSis for coffee every again, yeah she might enjoy it, yeah it might give her a little respite, but no, she'll stay indoors until she cures herself.

You need to enlighten yourself, you're very ignorant of MH issues.

Well given the well documented benefits of activity for mental health if he can manage it then it could be the perfect way to give himself a little boost

@tfresh - Anxiety in the school environment doesn’t mean the child is too anxious to leave the house.

My daughter has been so unwell before school that she has been shaking and retching and having diarrhoea. It’s not “fake”. It’s absolute fear. She is child who really wanted to go to school and who beats herself up for not being able to go and to cope and to join in with things. I’ve had her sitting in the car outside before and heard her saying “breathe, just breathe” to herself, and “you can do it” to try and get herself out of the car. She is 9 years old.

As it happens, we went to an outdoor farm park today (and there were trampolines). She was absolutely fine. Why wouldn’t she be?! It wasn’t an environment that overwhelms her and where she feels trapped.

Ah the poor love ❤️

My otherwise confident now 12 year old clung to me screaming “please mummy no, please no don’t leave me” in the reception of her high school while two members of staff (very kindly) tried to close the door between us. It’s like a physical pain isn’t it, seeing them like that. I hope she is doing ok.

I have a child with severe anxiety.
Allowing them to stay off school and taking them to a trampoline park is not the way to deal with this!

Not taking him doesn’t meant OP isn’t sympathetic.

@MajorCarolDanvers

School refusal is complex, but that doesn't mean you should reward not going in.

My dd would have never gone unless we encouraged it, she wanted to be at home, school was a nightmare to her (autistic) but she didn't work at home she played computer games! I made her go to school even if I was collecting her by 11am, I worked with the school on solutions like a private space to work rather than classrooms. Generalised anxiety isn't made better by going trampolining, you need to work with the school and the child for solutions.

We don't know this situation but it sounds like the nephew has anxiety but the parents aren't dealing with it, they have given up - we don't know if they are at the end of their tether or just can't be bothered.

It's hard to parent a teen with anxiety, letting play on devices is the easy way out.

Has it occurred to you that what might be right/wrong for you is different for others?

Surely if the treatment was all the same it would be an easy fix?

@gogohmm

Pretty sure I have not suggested rewarding not going in.

Of course it has.
But from the brief amount of information the OP has given, and it is brief, this is not the right course of action.

He isn’t receiving any education at all…that’s far more damaging than not being taken to a trampoline park.

Absolutely this. We're two years in to dealing with school refusal following a disastrous transition to secondary - help is incredibly difficult to access, and the total lack of joined up thinking makes it worse.

We waited a year for help from CAMHS, they've faffed about a bit with CBT, melatonin and antidepressants, and have now told us they think DD is autistic with a PDA profile so they can't help her and we need to go to the bottom of the 2-3 year waiting list for autism services "but they're so underfunded you probably won't get much out of them"!! She'll be left school by the time she gets any help. If I had a pound for every time I've heard "just make her go" I'd be able to afford the private psychiatrist appointments she needs... 😡

It’s different for everyone thought isn’t it @gogohmm ? I “made my DD go in” for quite some time.

Eventually she became so mentally unwell that she started to have episodes that looked like psychosis, she was a danger to herself and others. She didn’t even recognise me at times. She was 8.

When I took her out… the episodes stopped within a week. The nightmares reduced. The nausea stopped. Her appetite came back. Her meltdowns reduced to a couple of a week rather than daily.

She also has ASD. She masks well, can appear confident and sociable and is what used to be described as “high functioning”. If you’d seen me with her today you wouldn’t have known why she wasn’t in school and you wouldn’t have thought that she looked anxious.

OP doesn’t really know what is going on behind the scenes with her nephew (doesn’t mean she should have taken him with her though, she had plans of her own) and is judging through her own lens.


Thank you @Harridan1981