To have refused to take nephew out for the day?

I agree with you, I would refuse aswell, he can't attent school because of his anxiety but can go to a trampoline park full of people with his anxiety, I know someone with anxiety could not attend school, but now old enough for bars and he out in packed bars every weekend

The anxiety might not be caused by large numbers of people. It could be something else entirely.
I went through a phase of this as an adult and it had absolutely nothing to do with how many people were in a particular space but to do with feeling trapped. ie. if it was a situation where I was able to get up and leave at any point that was fine but situations where I'd need to remain in a place for a particular length of time without being free to leave would trigger the anxiety.

...or it could help him to break the cycle of anxiety, avoidance, low mood and staying at home that he's got himself into. Mood improves > anxiety lessens, motivation and self worth increases > more likely to feel up to going to school

Oops, didn't mean that bit to be crossed out. I was trying to put arrows in

An armchair phycologist?

My eldest has asd and ADHD. He suffers anxiety but no I wouldn't reward him for not attending school by taking him to the trampoline park or giving him his devices if he stays home. I certainly wouldn't be taking nieces or nephews either in that situation. If there parents chose to do be it. I would however be supporting him to find out why he is refusing to attend school and what I can do to help.

What @Soapboxqueen said

Your nephew and family sound like they need support, and perhaps this request was them asking for it. Poor kid, having struggles with mental health and then his auntie heaping on the judgement.

BIL spoke to DH and DH has said I'm BU as I know nephew struggles with his anxiety

Wow! Who the hell do these men think they are? The bosses of the inferior female staff? Fucking cheek of it. Not your kid, not your problem.

And what are you then? You keep criticising people who either have experience with this, or who know this child, but they’re wrong or to be questioned because you say so?!

Ok then - armchair psychologist yourself!

He's not "some teen boy" though, he's op's nephew. And presumably DDs cousin.

I think it's fair enough to say no as other posters have suggested. It's time you want to spend with your own DD.

I have teens and I have friends with school-refusing teens. There's not a day that goes by without me being grateful they have gone into school, as I know it's pure luck, not my great parenting, that has them there.

Rubbish. I’ve got one son who’s been in his bedroom for about two years and one who’s got four predicted A*s at A level.

Well then I’m sure his parents could do that with him rather than letting him stay in bed playing games all day. OP isn’t the free nanny/therapist.

I wouldn’t take him as it’s your day with DD and it would change dynamics ( unless you know he would play with your DD and she would love it) I also would ask his parents that he might see it as a reward. However I wouldn’t be so quick and harsh to judge, it’s a very complex problem and by the way professional help is non existent. You’ve written about his anxiety that “you understand”, no you clearly don’t.
And I’m sure he knows that it’s GCSE year and how “important “ it is, judgements like yours is probably the main reason why he’s anxious.

I wouldn't have taken him, but I probably also wouldn't have told them the truth about why, tbh! You knew that wouldn't go down well.

Can some really not see the difference between school and a trampoline park, as to why one might induce anxiety and one might not?

I mean, I'm a confident, educated 41 year old and many high schools make me anxious...let alone a teenager!

You are not obliged to take him. His parents could take him.

but, as a parent of a school refusing child over the last year or so don't be so judgemental of the situation. When a child is so anxious, too anxious for school it's gruelling for the child as well as the parents.

You saying that he is finding being at home being fun instead of school is a bit of an ignorant thing to say. A lot of kids want to be in school but their anxiety is too high or the school aren't meeting their needs.

To be honest, I wouldn't want you to take my son trampolining because I can’t see you being very pleasant to him.

It’s fair enough to say that you don’t want to take him but it’s not your place to decide whether he should or shouldn’t be allowed to go. It would do him good to get out and do some exercise.

There’s a lot of intolerance of teenage boys on Mumsnet.

I wouldn't take him either.

Whether posters like it or not, there are people who take the piss when it comes to mental illness. That doesn't take away from the fact that mental health issues are real. If his parents let him do fun things when he should be at school, then he has no incentive to get better.

Mental health isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility.

Don’t be ridiculous, she’s entitled to her opinion on the situation, just like you are. If his parents don’t want other people involved and sharing opinions, they shouldn’t be trying to get them to provide free childcare.

Op my ds is ND and developed anxiety and became a school refuser. It’s really really difficult to manage. We are out the other side though.

But I absolutely would not be trying to send him off for a fun day out with his Aunt and cousin. There’s no Reason to think that would help at all.

and as for them running and telling on you to your dh and then your dh coming to you, to tell you what to do, I don’t really know what to say about that. I would tell them all to grow up and stop trying to gang up and force you to do it. One of them can take him if it’s going to help him so much.

You were right not to take him, the day was a day for you and your toddler. If his mother is that bothered she can take him.

There’s a lot of intolerance of teenage boys on Mumsnet.

Isn't there. Its as though they should never have any problems or struggle with anything. Ots very sad and shows why male suicide rates are so high. If we were taking about a 15 year old girl I suspect a lot of answers would be different.

He should be getting treatment for his anxiety then. You can't avoid school/work/life because you are anxious.
I feel anxious everyday but I still go to work.
Solving one's problems is part of growing up to be a productive human being.
I have complex PTSD and still manage to go to work everyday.

YANBU

At 15, anxiety about WHAT?

Even if he does have anxiety, he has to get on with it. Anxiety is COMPLETELY natural but you have to push through it / find ways of coping or you will get nowhere in life.

What is being mollycoddled by his parents teaching him in terms of coping with life? He will not be tolerated in further education or the workforce with this attitude unfortunately.

YANBU - you have no obligation to take him out and you have no input into his parents' parenting decisions. It's not up to you to decide how best his school refusal should be monitored and managed and it's probably best if you refrain from forming any opinion on it. It's certainly true that for some kids with overwhelming anxiety issues, a chance to go out to a trampoline park could be a helpful step towards getting the courage up to try to attend school, but you can't be expected to be the mechanism for that or the judge of whether or not it's appropriate.