To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

Please don’t say anything negative to her, fat people know they’re fat!!
(From one fat person, who is trying to loose weight).
Pointing out the blinding obvious isn’t helpful, even if coming from a concerned place.

Yah you can eat a healthy diet and absolutely be obese. You can eat pure junk and lose weight too.

There was some dietician who went on a ‘Twinkie’ diet to prove that what you eat doesn’t really matter; he lost a lot of weight eating really bad food within the allotted calorie count and his blood tests were better after shedding the weight too (although I imagine long term such a diet would have severe health implications such as heart disease and cancer …)

www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/11/08/twinkie.diet.professor/index.html

Soemeone did month on maccies. Like that
Can you lose weight on maccies?
Yes.
Will you be healthy and feel great?
God no

True. I knew a woman who went through a phase of extreme under-eating - for a while she was eating only sweets in the first half the day and than nothing after 3 pm. She was very very thin. Luckily she managed to change her eating habits to a healthier diet, but it’s definitely possible to be skinny eating mostly/ exclusively junk.

I agree with all of this. People don’t get morbidly obese on a genuinely healthy diet. Vegetables/plants/protein (which in a healthy diet will make up the majority of what you eat) will physically fill you up long before the calories get excessive.

People have been fooled into thinking that the shite marketed to us as "fat free", "no added sugar" (which means full of sweetener), "natural", "bio", "farm fresh" etc. is healthy. But it isn't. Even supposedly 'healthy' yoghurts are usually loaded with sugar. Very little modern packaged food is actually fit for human consumption.

E.g. Cereal needs to be fortified because it's nutritionally almost worthless. Almost all prepackaged breakfast cereals are so laden with sugar that they set you up for a day of sugar crashes and compulsive snacking. Lots of muesli brands contain as much sugar as sugar puffs, but are bizarrely marketed as health foods.

It is of course true that it's possible to eat absolute junk and be thin.

But the opposite isn't true imo.

I wouldn't say anything. I don't think there's anything you can say that will help her lose all the of weight. I think all you stand to do is upset her or make it awkward. At most I would maybe try to slip on about how great weight surgery is but even that could be awkward.

I would just carry on as you are.

Unfortunately, as with any addiction/harmful habit, she needs to want to change for herself and until she's at the point of wanting things to change, it isn't going to happen.

Personally I think it's one of the down sides of the body positive movements. It's great in terms of not making people feel rubbish (which obviously is important). But it can also encourage people to not see the need to change, which, when you're huffing and puffing when using a few stairs or struggling to talk without getting out of breath, isn't good.

Definitely don’t say anything in front of granddaughter. However I’d definitely say you are concerned re her breathing and see if she’ll see her Gp. Assumption is she’s breathless as she’s morbidly obese. Probably. But there is a rare condition affecting women called idiopathic subglottic stenosis (narrow airway) often triggered by pregnancy. Often confused by drs with asthma or just dismissed as overweight/unfit. I needed an emergency tracheostomy to save my life. Fact you said she couldn’t walk and talk that is a key symptom.

I do agree with that about body positivity somewhat. DD and some of her friends are often posting about that kind of thing on facebook.

Everyone should be proud of themselves and be confident but I do think you’re right that it can be used to disguise real issues.

How do you think it's not possible. If you do bog portions you can absolutely get obese on healthy food.

I don't eat "junk" food usually, i eat veg, proteins, carbs. A normal diet, actually eahta would be considered healthy one. The time I put on most weight was when I went on "health kick" with seeds in yogurts, nuts as snacks, this and that. All fine if you eat a bit, not big portions.

Healthy food doesn't mean no weight gain. Or weightloss. It means you are getting healthy mix of vitamins and minerals, your gut is happy etc. Not that you won't get yourself fat from it.

Of course it's true 😂

The vast, vast majority of people can't just eat an unlimited amount of healthy food and stay skinny.

Hi, I have 3 sons between ages 23 and 29. Only the youngest one lives with me now. I am in regular contact with the others. I generally leave them to it now, even the one who lives with me. I have a pretty good relationship with all 3. We laugh and communicate regularly and they ask for help/advice when they want it. I trust them and leave them to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Having said that , I sometimes have a "concern" through observation that they haven't spoken to me about. On such an occasion I do say something. I'm happy with this decision to say something. On such an occasion, I will ask if it is ok to say something. E.g. I say "I have a concern about a behaviour of yours, may I say something?" So far they have answered..."go ahead mum." If I said "may I say something" too often, I am sure they wouldn't be so graceful with their reply. I pick my battles and let a lot go now...they are too old for me to be on their case. On a health matter I say...say something but choose your words VERY carefully...very! Good luck.

Salmon is healthy. It is also quite calorific tasty twat😁
Oats are recommended as breakfast. With some yogurt and berries, maybe throw in some chia seed? Calorific
Barley, walnuts, for whatever reason couscous is peddled too, chickpea....

Your body will be happy.... And cushioned

A genuinely healthy diet will be almost entirely made up of wholefoods, plants and protein (meat/fish/legumes) - those things fill you up to the point that people will struggle to eat too much of them. Portion control comes naturally when what you are eating is genuinely filling.

The pre-made stuff that is marketed to us as "healthy" - sure, you can overeat on that. But that's because it's not actually healthy - it's full of cheap filler, man-made fats, sugar instead of fat, low in fibre, sweeteners that mess with your brain and hormone signals etc.

I do think that there are lots of people who genuinely believe that their diet is healthy, when it actually isn't. Look at how many people think a fat-free yoghurt is healthy - there are examples on this thread!

Even standard fruit yoghurts aren't healthy - check the ingredients. They pretty much all have sugar added. Why? Because sugar is addictive, so added sugar means higher sales.

The problem is that actually eating healthily means making pretty much everything yourself from scratch, using wholefood ingredients. Modern lives are not conducive to healthy eating.

I don't understand what's so difficult to understand on "some people can overeat on actually healthy diet and be obese". It's not some magic of healthy food that you cannot overeat...
You don't need heavily processed stuff to become fat.

This is actually a massive issue because this is why everyone assumes fat people stuff their faces with heavily processed stuff all the time and are never far away from maccies. Lots eat healthy, but too much. Lots eat just unhealthy. It's not that hard to imagine that 700 calories of microwave burger and 700 calories of wholefood dinner will not be much different when it comes to weight gain...

And yes, salmon is calorific, but how much salmon can you eat in a sitting?

I don't think overweight people are stuffing themselves on McD's.

I think most of them are eating a range of the food that is available in most supermarkets, and which is basically unfit for human consumption.

And a 700 calorie microwave burger will be tiny. It won't actually fill anyone up.

A 700 calorie veggie dinner will be genuinely filling - that's a lot of veg.

I don't know how else to clearly state that you can get fat on healthy food so... Yeah.

It’s quite difficult to get fat on spinach though.

You can't live off spinach and nothing else though can you?

No but you can live off mainly vegetables and fruit with some whole grains/nuts/lean meat thrown in.

A healthy diet is at least 50% veg though. Veg isn't just a bit on the side of a healthy meal - it's the main ingredient.

The calorific stuff (salmon, seeds, legumes, nuts) should only be a small % of a healthy meal. It's not just the ingredients that make a diet healthy, but the proportions.

Exactly. A pile of salmon, seeds, avocados, and nuts might have healthy ingredients, but the proportion of fatty foods vs veg makes it an unhealthy meal. You'd need to eat pretty much only veg for your other two meals of the day to balance it out.

There are so many myths about what a healthy diet looks like.