To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

She is an adult and I don't think any good will come from pointing out the obvious.

The slow creep of weight was the time to start changed.

Besides all that, you are responsible for her early eating habits being a chubby teenager.

Most chubby teenagers turn out to be obese adults, very few unlearn the lessons they've been taught.

DO NOT MENTION IT. She’ll be more than aware of her weight and doesn’t need you or anyone ‘showing your concern’. Please just don’t do it.

She had our granddaughter four years ago - No, OP. She had her own daughter four years ago. This reads like you see her as a conduit/carer for grandchildren now, rather than her own person.

She is well aware of and comfortable with her size. Say nothing. There is nothing worse than family members commenting on your size. I am a bulimic in recovery.

When I was a teen, my mother was obsessed with my size. My body size was linked to the affection I received. As such I spent far too many years of my life binging and purging to gain and keep her approval and love. It wrecked my life. I have a long term gastric condition as a result, I my teeth are wrecked and I cannot eat 'normally', I still feel guilty if I finish anything and I restrict my calories in times of stress.

My weight has been healthy and stable since I have been married, but I will never forget the pain of it being obvious that my Mum was ashamed of me and my body. I struggle to believe that my DH can bear to touch me because I still believe my body is disgusting. Even though it created, nourished and birthed two DC. I am not comparing you to my mum, but just wanted to give you my perspective.

The only thing you can do is support her and if that involves helping her make lifestyle changes, eg if she asks you to watch DD whilst she exercises, or if she asks for help with new healthy cooking, but anything else will just hurt and make the problem worse.

When you are 22 stones - no swimming or yoga classes will help. She needs a surgery, and most importantly - she needs to watch what she eats at all times.
I wouldn't say anything to her purely because every overweight person I have ever met is in denial about their weight until something happens to trigger the desire to change.

Could you possibly open a casual conversation about how you’re glad she seems to happy with with her weight as a lot of people aren’t …..might just open the subject up in a gentle way? If she doesn’t want to talk about it at least you’ll know.

Sorry about your experience. This is far far from what OP has done though. OP has asked for advice she has not gone all guns blazing about her DDs weight. A size 22 cannot be comfortable and it doesn't make OP a terrible person for speaking upon the matter. If she was raising it every month it would be cruel but why should she walk on egg shells?

Weight and health have nothing to do with each other.

So yes, yabu to talk to her about her weight. She knows what size she is. Mentioning it will make her feel bad and likely lead to binging.

Does she exercise? What type? Women benefit more from weight/resistence training (but obviously if she hates it, she won't benefit). Can you say that you've been thinking about joining a gym/going walking/running/getting a pt and would she go with you for support?

She's more likely to be receptive about doing something if she's not body shamed first

Whilst I totally get it would be awkward and alot of posters here stating leave her to it etc.
Obesity kills. If her health is suffering, I'm sorry but you have a responsibility as her parent to intervene.
If this post was "my daughter is a drug addict and its now really affecting her health and I'm worried she might die, should I intervene" I would imagine the responses would be different.

From your posts we aren't talking about looks, or a cpl extra stone of comfort weight, we're talking she might not be around to watch her DD grow up. I'm sorry to sound harsh but that IS the reality. Yes it's going to be shit, it's going to be unpleasant, and it will be a long ass road. But I can promise you, if the worst happens, you'd regret the action you didn't take. Please help her. Even if she thinks she doesn't need it right now.

I get your concern, but talk to her about HER, not her size. How does she feel? Is she happy? Nothing to do with her weight.

She’s not daft. She’s knows she’s gets puffed out walking up the stairs. I wonder if it’s emotional snacking? Does she love herself enough to want to be healthy? That’s what I’d be asking myself if I were you.

The slightly snidy comments about not being afraid of the camera suggest you disapprove. Do you think she thinks that?

YANBU My older sister was shocked into losing weight when GP said she would be dead in ten years if she didn't.

I have always been bigger, and then geained a lot of weight at one point. My parents came to visit me a few years ago after my dad not having seen me for a long time- and my mum texted me the a few days later night that my dad could not sleep at night in the hotel as he was shocked by how big I got (I was size 16 too). It was awful. I actually like my body, and I got much more confidence now than when I was skinnier and younger. I actually did not speak to them for weeks after that.

I kind of think, your daughter knows that she looks like and knows what she eneds to do to lose weight. Being 29, I am sure she is capable of making this decision without if she needs to without people being judgmental or 'worried'.

Sorry but this is so mean.. "Oh glad you have the confidence as others who look like you don't"- I would not see it as a gentle way to open a conversation, but a super bitchy way to say 'you should not have confidence being so overweight'.

At a size 16 (not too far above the average size in the UK) you probably weren't putting your health at serious risk unlike the morbid obesity of being 22 stone plus!! Not even comparable. This is about her HEALTH not her weight as a standalone issue.
I am sorry your parents were less than tactile though.

Comparable as if you comapred size 16 to size 8 my dad would have loved to see me in, it was a lot.
Secondly, how tall is the daughter, how is she build?
I think it's alright to get worried, but I just dont think talking will do anything at all except creating a feeling of resentment.

Offer to pay for surgery???????? How about starting with a healthy diet plan and an exercise programme before you resort to surgery. (If you were being ironic I apologise!)!!

I put on a couple of stone a few years ago and I didn't feel happy about it but somehow it can take a rocket to make us do something. My mother basically told me that I was overweight and shouldn't I try and lose some lbs? I was absolutely furious at her and told her to mind her own business but within a short time I had to admit to myself that of course she was right and I did do something about it. Part of the reason I was so upset was that deep down I knew she was right and it was painful to have someone say it out loud. Actually, very few people will be that honest to another person and we are not used to painful honesty. I know my mother said it out of concern for my health and well-being. Perhaps it is better for you as your DD's mum to come out and tell her you are concerned about her health and worried that her weight is affecting this. After all you would say something if eg she had a hacking cough or was limping from a sore leg.

This might be good advice for someone who has a few stone to lose, but when someone has got to the point where they are struggling to walk from the car to the front door (which is what the OP describes), you can't just invite them to do some weights or go for a run. Exercise is important, but she isn't going to be able to do those things until she's lost some weight to start with.

And weight and health have a lot to do with each other.

After spending my life yo-yo'ing with my weight, after children and covid etc I was knocking 19 stone at 48 yrs old.
My mum asked me if I would like her to take me to a bariatric surgeon for a consult. She would pay. That she was worried for my health as I aged. At the time I had no health issues and was confident bright and bubbly.
I said no. I then thought about it and said yes. I booked in for a gastric by- pass for 4 months later and now 11 months post surgery I am just over 11 stone with about half a stone to lose.
The operation has given me my life back. I can run with my kids, buy amazing clothes and life is generally all round easier.

Have the conversation with your daughter? Go with her, support her in which ever way she may feel is the way to get the weight off. You will be saving her life.

I truly did not realise how bad things were until I was no longer over weight.

She already knows she has a weight problem. You telling her won’t help her lose it, it will only make her feel self conscious and can harm your relationship.

I wouldn't say anything. She knows she's fat.

I became fat because of trauma and abuse.
Something might have happened to her that you're not aware of.

It will be a hard conversation but one you should have to benefit her health. It's not like she's just gone up a clothes size, it's quite a severe weight gain. She probably knows herself and it may help having someone close acknowledge it

It doesn’t matter how you phrase it, I think she’ll take it as a criticism and she’ll feel crap. Does she have a partner? Could you talk to them?

There’s no way she doesn’t realise she’s obese. It won’t come as a revelation to her if you point it out. Focus on the person, that’s where I’d start.

@Itsallaboutthewheelthe majority of the replies here have advised the OP to mind her own business.

Presumably it will become her business when (not if) her daughter's health worsens and she has to provide more care for her granddaughter.

I don’t think it’s about minding her own business, more about the wisdom of pointing it out to her.

@Itsallaboutthewheel if you were happy, confident and had no health issues, how come the operation gave you your life back?

I ask this not to be aggro but to suggest that the OP’s daughter is very unlikely to be unaware she’s obese.