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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

490 replies

singingamy · 13/10/2022 10:00

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

OP posts:
Mardyface · 14/10/2022 16:40

Right. But that's not getting fat off spinach is it. Additionally fruit shouldn't be eaten in an unlimited way either.

Octomore · 14/10/2022 16:43

Agreed - again there are many myths about that as well.

Our ancestors didn't eat year-round fruit because it simply wasn't available out of season. Veg was available year-round though (differing according to season)

IrisVersicolor · 14/10/2022 16:45

Mardyface · 14/10/2022 16:40

Right. But that's not getting fat off spinach is it. Additionally fruit shouldn't be eaten in an unlimited way either.

Nothing should be eaten unlimited.

InCheesusWeTrust · 14/10/2022 16:48

Yeah! The portion control is an issue even if ot is with healthy diet. That is what all of us are saying just differently!

IrisVersicolor · 14/10/2022 16:52

Octomore · 14/10/2022 16:43

Agreed - again there are many myths about that as well.

Our ancestors didn't eat year-round fruit because it simply wasn't available out of season. Veg was available year-round though (differing according to season)

Fruit is available in a temperate climate for most of the year spring - autumn. In the winter it would be preserved. In a tropical climate with two main seasons - wet and dry - some fruit are everbearing - bananas, coconut, papaya, some are seasonal but you can get some kind of fruit all year round.

MintyFreshOne · 14/10/2022 17:38

I think most of them are eating a range of the food that is available in most supermarkets, and which is basically unfit for human consumption

come on, that’s a huge exaggeration. You aren’t one of those seed oil weirdos, are you?

Octomore · 14/10/2022 18:00

MintyFreshOne · 14/10/2022 17:38

I think most of them are eating a range of the food that is available in most supermarkets, and which is basically unfit for human consumption

come on, that’s a huge exaggeration. You aren’t one of those seed oil weirdos, are you?

Seed oil weirdo? Maybe! 😂

I eat some seed oils. But not e.g. the ultra processed sunflower oil that is in lots of foods.

Notjustabrunette · 14/10/2022 18:19

I think sofa beds should not be counted as a bed for this very reason. No one wants to sleep in a communal space.

Maryminx · 14/10/2022 18:28

Yes, I think u should have a friendly chat with her, say u are concerned.

IsobelElsie123 · 14/10/2022 18:28

I have the same problem. I have type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure etc and other issues which I know are due to my previous weight issues and I don’t want my DD to inherit these problems. I also don’t want her to go into shops and choose clothes as to what will fit rather than what she looks. So difficult.

JT12 · 14/10/2022 18:33

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to discuss it. Very few people genuinely will want to be large enough that they are breathless and struggling with a young family. I am sure it causes her angst but she is in a vicious circle and it is very difficult to change a long list of lifestyle choices. If you were worried about her headaches or a heart condition you would discuss that and try to help and support so I feel this is something you should also try to support her with.
Try to do it in a way that is supportive and non- judgemental though. She may have low self esteem despite the smiles. If she can work with someone who makes her feel
empowered that would be beneficial.
I would speak to my children but it is a sensitive area so tread lightly

surreygirl1987 · 14/10/2022 18:41

Ah really tricky. I can see why you are finding this tough. She must be fully aware of her weight and health implications though so I'm not sure what you'd gain from the conversation.

Violinist64 · 14/10/2022 18:43

@singingamy, my children are a similar age to your daughter. The younger two take after my husband’s side of the family and are naturally very slim. The oldest, who is also autistic but living independently, takes after my side of the family and put on quite a bit of weight during lockdown, as did so many of us. I told him, in a way he could understand, that he needed to do something about it. At the beginning of Covid, a young friend of ours died at the age of 35. She was probably a similar size to your daughter. Obviously, there were other factors involved, but the excessive weight played a major part. A real tragedy. It is never an easy conversation but so very necessary. As others have said, your daughter will be very aware that she is overweight, but, as long as you make it clear that you are speaking out of love and concern, it is something that as her mother you need to do.

JaceLancs · 14/10/2022 18:48

I would approach it from an ‘I’m worried about you - I’ve noticed a few times recently that you are struggling with……..,eg catching your breath - is there anything I can do to help?’
It could start off a conversation about doing something together whether that be a dance class or swim or whatever - maybe she might ask for childcare help to allow her to do something
At least it’s an attempt to find out how she feels depending what response you get

LaughingCat · 14/10/2022 18:49

From a personal perspective, I went up to 21.5 stone in my late twenties-early thirties. My mum’s ‘concerned’ unsolicited advice made it so much worse as it hugely demotivated me which made it much harder to start and maintain healthy habits.

Pattern healthy behaviours to her without saying anything directly. If she’s eating at yours, prepare healthy, appropriately portioned meals. Invite her on short walks or find a hobby that you can share with her (and grandkids) in the fresh air.

It will bring you both closer together rather than driving a wedge between you. She’ll work it out on her own and will come to you for advice if she needs to and feels comfortable enough to. But it’s her life and her body.

And no, I’ve still not forgiven my mum, ten years later (and ten stone lighter now). It was definitely lost in spite of her, not because of her.

Blueblell · 14/10/2022 18:52

I lost a significant amount of weight in my forties and wish I had done in my 20s. The weight creeps up and when you 20 stone even though you may feel happy lots of negative things start to happen with your body that you might not want to tell others about. When you get to that size it is only about health and not about appearance.

There is an expensive drug that really does work but it is also now available on the nhs if you fit certain criteria - Google it and maybe send her a link. Semaglutide

I always hated anyone mentioning my weight especially my Mum so it is a tricky one. But if you send her the information and remind her you only care about her health and happiness. Remind her she is still very young and you want her to enjoy her life.

Realityloom · 14/10/2022 18:54

I think you should be able to speak to your own daughter about her weight and tbh if it was mine DD I would have spoke up sooner. I would not be cruel about it but standing by watching someone getting bigger and bigger isn't the right thing either.

I've been told a out my weight before and that's when I've been a big size 12 it is hurtful however I would rather that than people around me just let me pile on the pounds because it's hard to loose it!

bluesapphire48 · 14/10/2022 18:59

If anyone else in a person's life has a right to be concerned about a health issue, it's the mother. At ANY age, a mother has a right IMHO to speak out with ANY concern she has about the health or lifestyle, etc. of her child. Of course, you need to do it with sensitivity, or it may backfire.

May I ask about your daughter's BIRTH ORDER? Is she your first child, the second, or later? I ask because I have always found that the oldest listens to the parents and the second is a rebel. You may have more difficulty and need to be more sensitive if your daughter is a second child, but by all means, you need to get involved, because her life may depend upon getting her weight down.

Try to find out if there are any doctors nearby that specialize in treating obesity. If so, then convince your daughter to make an appointment and KEEP IT. There are specialists, i.e. therapists and doctors, who can help you and your daughter. Please don't try to deal with the problem alone. At the very least, maybe your daughter can join some kind of support group for obese people.

Your daughter's weight problem will not resolve on its own, and she and the family need to face up to it. Whatever is triggering her to overeat, it has to be changed before her weight becomes life-greatening.

Good luck!

Leedsfan247 · 14/10/2022 19:03

I can’t believe people are worried about ‘how she might be feeling’ that kind of weight will seriously reduce her life expectancy and, in particular, health.

Heygal · 14/10/2022 19:07

As someone who is more in your daughters position I would say be honest but in a health way only. Don’t comment on how she dresses or the weight itself.
suggesting walks and the like can be beneficial. You could also look into ‘One for you’ which is a health initiative which she may benefit from. I certainly did! Though I’m pregnant now so I will need to address matters post part

Lightsoutallout · 14/10/2022 19:16

I think it really depends on your daughter and how she will react to being spoken to about it.

I was around 18 stone when my dad had a talk with me and he came from the "do you need help" angle. He offered to pay for a gym membership for me.

I'm a very stubborn person and I told him no, I had it under control (I didn't but I sure as hell wasn't letting him take credit if I lost weight). And I joined slimming world and I lost 7 stone.

I have recently had a baby and the weight for me is creeping back on but I wouldn't let myself go back to the 18 stone.

Your daughter will be aware of her weight but she may need something to "shock" her into action. Mine was that convo with my dad. Before then, my dad had never mentioned my weight.

So it can be a positive. I'll never admit it but I am grateful to my dad for approaching me =)

Pliudev · 14/10/2022 19:23

I have been overweight most of my life, certainly since having my DCs. I developed type2 diabetes when in my fifties and have been on medication since. It's all very well to be non body shaming etc. but actually, being obese and at 22 stone your DD certainly is, stores up problems for the future, really isn't healthy and may well reduce her life expectancy.

I think you should speak to her, but to avoid her becoming defensive, you should make positive and helpful suggestions. What worked for me was regular swimming ('having thought for years that I was too fat to do it) and that resulted in me wanting to be fitter in a way no nagging would have done. I joined Slimming World and though there have been setbacks along the way, I have never put all the weight back on.
Good luck OP I hope your DD will accept what you say and act on it.

tkwal · 14/10/2022 19:27

Trust me, she's already concerned about her weight. And she's already beating herself up because of it. Gentle encouragement and support might help ,like if the two of you were to start going for walks with her daughter and could you maybe start meal planning together ?. It could well be that she realises she should lose weight but it seems such an overwhelming target she can't face it. Small targets make it seem more achievable...say, aiming for 5lb/2.2 kg between now and the end of November?. There is good advice and support available. I used WW but there are others. Even ask at the local health centre. It's so good that you are putting so much thought into approaching her . Best wishes to you and your daughter 💐

Walkaround · 14/10/2022 19:33

I think, as you have never mentioned your dd’s weight to her before, OP, that you are very much more likely to fall into the camp of the parent who succeeds in flicking that switch in your dd, as others have put it, than to be the mother who alienates her dd forever. She needs to be made aware that those she loves and who dearly love her have actually started to worry about her dying young and leaving her dd motherless. She needs medical advice, this is not fattism, she’s well past the appearance stage and firmly into killing herself territory.

Twopandemicpregnancies · 14/10/2022 19:37

I remember and resent every comment my Mum has ever made about my weight, especially the comments made when I was a girl and not even remotely fat. I thought I was fat from age 10, I didn’t put any weight on until I was 21. She gave me issues that weren’t there with her comments