To talk to 29yo DD about her weight?

[singingamy]

Hi all,

This is a bit of a tricky one so would appreciate any and all advice.

My DD is 29. In her teens she was quite chubby but never anything we were really concerned about and she was a size 14-16 by the time she was in college.

When she went away to uni she put on a lot of weight, and not long after that met her now hubby and settled in to life together which led to more weight as it does with a lot of people.

She had our granddaughter four years ago, and had quite a difficult pregnancy in large part due to her weight. She was 22 stone when she gave birth and comments from her GP and health visitors did get her making an effort to eat healthier and to try and exercise. That lasted a few months but then fell by the wayside.

Since then, she has gained a lot of weight and is now significantly bigger than she was after pregnancy. Lockdown obviously didn’t help and I was hoping that once all that had settled down and life was more normal again that she may start to tackle it but she just seems to be continuing to put on the weight.

It’s not a topic I’ve ever really discussed much with her. She is a grown woman and I respect everyone’s body is their own. However it is now at the point where I am getting really concerned and the impact of the weight is becoming obvious. Just getting out of the car and walking up the drive to our front door, or walking up the stairs for the loo, leaves her completely out of breath, for example. I’m obviously worried about her but also the impact on our granddaughter.

I know there’s probably two schools of thought on this, one that it’s none of my business and should stay out of it and one that I’m stupid because she’s my DD and I should’ve addressed this with her, so I know I cant really win either way. But as I said at the top – I’d appreciate any advice on this, whether to talk to her or not and what to say.

I guess if there’s an AIBU question it’s AIBU to be nervous to talk to her about it?

TIA x

If a 26 stone woman in her 20s (so not old in the slightest, unlikely to have developed conditions that are more age related) is struggling to walk short distances, it is almost guaranteed to be weight related.

There is nothing else the OP mentions (e.g. asthma) that would cause it. And even if she does have asthma, the obesity would be making it harder to manage the condition (I have asthma and I'm a runner, certainly don't get out of breath walking around).

Occams razor - the simplest explanation is usually correct.

I just don’t understand why PP think she shouldn’t share her concerns with her daughter. This will be a difficult conversation but her daughter is on the path to an early death if she doesn’t reverse course. She will regret forever if her DD dies or becomes disabled due to a preventable condition.

We would encourage conversations around alcoholism and drug abuse, I don’t see how this is different.

Somewhat different- a depressed person may be so low they don’t realise just how depressed they are and incapable of seeking help without assistance - eg someone waking them up and helping get them dressed and out of house and to a pre booked GP appointment(or A&E, if needs be)

The difference is that most people don't consider morbid obesity comparable to alcoholism or drug addiction. I do, though. We aren't talking about a couple of stone excess weight here. Which I would overlook.

I think the difference is that when you comment on people's drug use, alcoholism, depressed demeanour etc you are commenting on what they are doing. When you comment on their weight you are commenting on a concrete thing that they are.

There are loads of risky habits that shorten life that people never comment on or might not even know about like driving, driving too fast, drinking, smoking, unprotected sex with lots of different people. Those habits (not the consequences of them) directly affect other people around the person doing them too whereas overeating tends to be a solitary self damaging thing. It's just that society really hates a fat woman. That's where the over concern about health comes in because very often but not always people hide behind the 'health' line when what they really feel is fat people look disgusting and getting shouty about health gives them the opportunity to express that. Really individuals' health is their own business.

It's very difficult to separate the 'shunned section of society' aspect off from the health aspect if you are over eating. Feeling shunned and unacceptable as a human being does not help with the looong process you need to undertake to be acceptably/ healthily thin either.

That's why it's a sensitive subject. I suspect too that if the op broaches this with her daughter she will damage their relationship (it find out that it was actually much more fragile than she imagined in the first place).

When you comment on their weight you are commenting on a concrete thing that they are

But it is the result of repeated actions or habits.

There are loads of risky habits that shorten life that people never comment on or might not even know about like driving, driving too fast, drinking, smoking, unprotected sex with lots of different people

And I would hope parents could talk to their children at any age about these irresponsible habits and behaviours.

It's just that society really hates a fat woman. That's where the over concern about health comes in because very often but not always people hide behind the 'health' line when what they really feel is fat people look disgusting

This is a concerned mother though and not just some fatphobic randomer.

But it is the result of repeated actions or habits. - outside onlookers assume they know exactly which actions or habits lead to someone being fat, but the truth is they don't know how much or what someone eats or exercises or how that compares to their own habits. But it's OK to comment anyway as if you do know somehow.

This is a concerned mother though and not just some fatphobic randomer. yes absolutely, but commenting in the context of all that - which is why it is a sensitive subject. Additionally as I said before mother daughter relationships are seldom simple, especially when it comes to food, eating, and weight. There are generational differences in attitude for one thing (but there are many other things too).

OP, only you can know how your daughter will react to you mentioning your concerns about her health due to her weight.

Lots of people here saying, don't mention it, she knows she's fat.

A few months ago a new lady start at the gym. I don't know what her weight was but her face was so fat her eyes were like slits. She was coming three times a week and was having sessions with a PT. One day the PT was not there for some reason so the young woman was just doing her own thing. As I was the only other one there she came over to ask about a piece of equipment. I just asked if she was enjoying her sessions and she said she found them difficult but knew she needed to get a grip on things.

She told me (I didn't ask) that she had always avoided having her photo taken because she was so big but had recently been caught in the background of a photo at a party. She said that she was horrified to see just how fat she had got and was so disappointed that no one in her family or any of her friends had taken her to one side and given her a good talking to.

So, it seems you are wrong you do mention it and wrong if you don't.

The lady in question has now lost several stone and says she has never been happier.

It's very difficult to separate the 'shunned section of society' aspect off from the health aspect if you are over eating. Feeling shunned and unacceptable as a human being does not help with the looong process you need to undertake to be acceptably/ healthily thin either.

This isn’t about being ‘acceptably thin’.
Being overweight means that you are increasing your risk of health complications, however plenty of overweight people don’t get things like type 2 diabetes and are still pretty active etc. There comes a point in weight when you go deep into the obesity category that you are virtually guaranteed that it will cause health complications. The weight puts a huge strain on your body, your organs, your joints etc. It prevents you from living your life to its fullest and keeping up with your kids etc. If you love someone who has reached such a size you would definitely be worried about them from a health perspective.

Its a tough situation for OP to be in because she is rightfully worried about her DD health. The safest entry point into a conversation is probably asking the DD about what GP is saying about the breathing issues, because weight issues like this are often a symptom.

Hello all - wow, so many posts! Obviously can’t reply to everything but I guess a few things I picked up on reading through…

SIL is maybe a stone or two overweight, but not especially big. DGD is, thankfully, a normal weight for her age. I’m fairly slim myself (size 12) and I like going out for walks etc.

I think DD’s problems with food are a few things. She’s a big snacker but it’s rarely healthy things. Her portion sizes are definitely an issue too - I’ve noticed that when shes here for dinner and will often get up and serve herself a fairly large portion of seconds.

I think I said before that you don’t know what’s going on in someone’s head, but she didn’t suffer with PND and has always been happy and bubbly. She has a big group of friends who she’s often out with. I know that doesn’t automatically mean everything is fine mentally, but more that she’s not the stereotypical depressed, doesn’t want to go out etc.

I almost said something to her last night when she came to pick DGD up. We were upstairs so she came straight in from the car and upstairs, and she was absolutely huffing and puffing, to the point she couldn’t get through a full sentence without getting her breath. I didn’t think it was a good idea doing it in front of DGD.

@DoraSpenlow

The thing is, why was the lady avoiding having her picture taken? Because she KNEW she was fat!

if someone did tell her, esp while she was still in denial stage and she didn’t find out for herself, instead of being grateful to that person she’d likely be avoiding them forever after that conversation, esp if she wasn’t ready to do anything about it.

Also to look good in a random phone photo and not fat you normally need to be model skinny or have a very chiselled face. Most of my absolutely normal weight friends get upset by a random photo(not a curated selfie) because they say they look so fat in them.

Esp if you are the type who gains weight everywhere or on your face and not someone like Ashley Graham.

@singingamy maybe your solution is to take a few pictures of her with DGD and then share them with her and leave it at that for now?

If OPs daughter had any other lifestyle based health risks - chain smoking, drugs, excessive alcohol, the advice would be to gently share her worries and support her daughter to improve however she can. I don't see why this is any different.

DD doesn’t shy away from pics. She has loads on Facebook, most recently from DGD’s birthday in the summer and a night out with friends a few weeks ago

@singingamy then she’s likely not in denial and aware of her size.

i guess I wouldn’t mention the weight but only approach it from the point of view of being out of breath etc, talk to her on whether she’d like to improve her fitness level?

Hmm that's quite an unusual way to be I think. Most people get a lot of enjoyment from eating. People who are a normal weight possibly more so, because they are more likely to be properly hungry, and because there's no guilt associated with food.

I agree. I really enjoy good food, and have never been overweight. I enjoy seeking out local delicacies and different flavours when I'm in other countries - it's about the taste and experience, not just the fact that I don't have to wash up.

I don't think it's possible to get morbidly obese while eating a healthy diet. A healthy diet is one without ultra processed food or much sugar. It doesn't include fizzy drinks or anything labelled as low fat. Unfortunately many people think that diet coke and and low fat ultra processed food can be a daily part of a healthy diet. That's not to say it's easy to stick to a genuinely healthy diet for people without much time or money or mental energy to spare, especially when surrounded by cheap and easy unhealthy food as we are in modern life.

There's also so much misleading marketing. People think that a bowl of cornflakes is better than a fried egg or that a low fat sugary dessert is better than a full fat yoghurt. Or that low fat spread is better than butter. Much of this wrong messaging is direct from the NHS.

I don't think it's possible to get morbidly obese while eating a healthy diet.

It is because healthy is often quite calorific. So unless you eat the right amount you can get fat on healthy food. Morbidly obese in fact. Portion sizes are a killer no matter what you eat.

@SnackSizeRaisin I agree with you that messages about what is healthy and what isn't are confusing and wrong. The idea that the number of calories in a food is the most important thing about it when thinking about health is an example of that.

It may not be possible to GET morbidly obese while eating a healthy diet (I don't know for sure and there are many conditions that affect weight gain/loss) but it's certainly possible to BE obese while eating a healthy diet. And eating a healthy diet doesn't automatically mean losing weight either.

Gosh, I’m so sorry OP. It must be heart wrenching to watch your child do this to their body. Even worse as it’s out of your hands in a way that it wouldn’t be if she were still a child. So you have to live with the worry and sadness while having absolutely nothing you can do about it.

it’s definitely worth a conversation, yes it could hurt her feelings but this is serious and her actual life in danger. Don’t overthink it. Just ask if you can talk and explain you’ve noticed how much weight she’s put on and wondered how she feels about it, and that you’re there for her if there’s anything you can do to help. Sending love, this sounds so rough for you. I’d be devastated seeing my child end up like this. Nothing to do with appearance but the very real impact on health would be so upsetting.

I agree. I used to have eating disorders when I was younger - under-eating and heavily restricted eating for a couple of years, then swinging to the other extreme and starting binging.
I wasn’t particularly enjoying eating in either of those phases - but I definitely enjoy it now!
I exercise regularly and keep a healthy weight, but food is definitely not just fuel for me and good food (in moderation) absolutely makes me happy!

Yes - I’d never bring it up just about the weight or how she looks. It’s purely about the health aspect.

I know myself it’s something I probably should have done well before now, but I’ve noticed a real negative difference in her health and fitness over the last year or so, especially lately.

This is very tricky.
As a morbidly obese person myself (18stone, size 22) I'm not sure it would make a huge difference if my Mum mentioned it to me. Because, my weight is then first and last thing, I think about daily and through out the day & every time I eat something. I'm very active as my job requires me to be on my feet 8hrs a day & lifting heavy things but I am very worried about dying prematurely and not seeing my children grow up. I've tried a lot of things and they only work temporarily. I think, only she can do it when she's ready. Maybe she has to be shocked into it.

This.

It is about that switch flipping.