"All men cheat, you just never find out about it"

[Maryfast]

I'm part of a mixed friendship group who have been friends since school. We went on a night out Saturday night and my partner works away (we've been together 4 years and bought a house last year). He tends to work away for 3 weeks and then be home for 2 weeks.

Anyway, friends were asking how he was and conversation soon turned to how some would never do a relationship that entails being far apart from each other for certain amounts of time. Then conversation turned to trust and I was saying how I can never imagine he'd cheat on me and how lovely he is.

That"s when one my male friends made the comment on the thread title, followed by how all the males he know outside our friendship group have cheated but all the friends never say anything.

I don't believe this to be true at all and I've never imagined my partner cheating. Does anyone else believe in the view that "men have an innate ability to cheat?"

I think it's nonsense

That makes no sense.

It's not just based on the numbers of men there are and the numbers of females there are!

There are so many variables at play.

What we are saying is more men (who are in relationships) cheat than women (who are in relationships).

there are plenty of other people who don't fit into those categories

A huge number of men cheat, but equally a huge number don't. The ones that don't though I think are constantly fantasising about cheating!

I've been completely faithful to my DH for almost 27 years, but I've had about seven major crushes during that time that I never acted on.

I've always assumed my DH was similar, but I love him and I just think we're only human.

Nope. That's the last thing I am I can assure you!
If my point was that the quiet guy in the corner would never cheat, then yes, you'd be right. But it's not. The quiet guy in the corner may well cheat too, but his opportunities to do so are going to be hampered by his passivity, as unless he's exceptional, he won't get women falling into his lap with offers of an affair with zero effort on his part.
Meanwhile the lairy guy making comments is actively seeking engagement with women. So if you are unfortunate enough to be this guy's partner, you have a bigger liability on your hands than if you were married to quiet Steve, who might fall for his colleague, and indeed make some effort in pusuing a woman he's really keen on, but isn't going to be on the pull everytime he's out with the lads.

The quiet ones will find women online!

and are much more likely to have affairs that nobody ever knows about.
Lairy ones just have one night stands.

The quiet very good looking dark horses 😱

DH is a 'quiet one' so I asked him and all he said was stuff that if I wasn't here he'd rather get a dog. So I'm now the substitute dog it seems.

What is the point asking!!
What can he say? Even the best answer would be "Um, id love to sleep with somebody else but I wouldnt want it on my conscience and I don't want to hurt you or lose you or half the house and see the kids EOW"

I'm not suggesting your husband isn't honourable, but I can't imagine anyone giving any other sort of answer to this one!

This is always an interesting topic.

I guess it depends on the person.

I think less confident/sensitive type guys are less likely to cheat.

I know one guy who was gutted by his girlfriend cheating...he wouldn't of done it to herb

Sorry that should say her not herb lol

Of course all men and women are capable of cheating.

I have cheated in all of my past relationships, so has DH. Both of us were disappointed / disillusioned with our relationships which rightly or wrongly, led us to look elsewhere.

However, I would never ever cheat on my DH. It wouldn’t even be a passing thought. I just don’t find other men as attractive or as interesting as DH so why would I. He is everything I need. But the overriding reason, and DH and so have both discussed this, is because I genuinely respect DH. I have never respected any of my exes.

I know DH wouldn’t cheat on me either.

So, despite both of our histories, we are
no longer cheats. Leopards can change spots and all that.

I'm with you, mauveskies. But for me they try it on with messaging. Although some have pushed it IRL. I block the fuckers. I think there's a lot of it going on, and I'm happy to say I'm not involved.

There is an awful lot of people assuming an awful lot of knowledge about an awful lot of other people.

I'd assume that most people embarking on affairs would attempt to be discreet about it.

That is true. On the other hand, a lot of what people think they know is based on gossip.

I reckon people are more likely to be honest with pollsters. Here are some examples.

21% of British men report cheating in some way at some point (2015)
yougov.co.uk/topics/society/articles-reports/2015/05/27/one-five-british-adults-admit-affair

23% of American men report cheating at some point (2021)
psychcentral.com/blog/how-common-is-cheating-infidelity-really

25% of New Zealanders report cheating at some point (no separate figures for women and men)
www.newshub.co.nz/home/new-zealand/2018/03/a-quarter-of-new-zealanders-are-cheaters-and-one-in-seven-in-long-term-affairs-survey.amp.html

Here's one with a much higher estimate (75%), of college students
www.bbc.com/future/article/20190625-why-we-need-to-talk-about-cheating

And here's another American one from 2015: 21% of men have cheated.
today.yougov.com/topics/society/articles-reports/2015/06/02/men-more-likely-think-cheating

So there it is. Apart from one niche study, low 20s. Your partner probably hasn't cheated. And there's just a lot less sex going on that we like to admit, interesting though it is.

I used to be a care for an elderly gentleman who was the DF of a friend. I’d sit and listen to him talk for years, he seemed to have high morals and a few times talked about a couple of people he knew who had cheated on their wives and how he thought it was shameful behaviour.
We got on well and I enjoyed listening to his stories.
After two years of working for him I was chatting to his daughter and she told me when he was middle aged he had a long affair with a colleague at work. He got caught and my friend’s mum was devastated. I never felt the same about the man again.

I am the sort of person to have an affair/cheat, so I answer a poll on the subject?
Nah.

Yes, people re write history. My experience too.
When they die, you find out the truth. (Often kept secret, for obvious reasons, from the DCs)

Well exactly for god's sake 🙄

Well it may seem obvious to you, but it didn't seem so obvious to the poster to whom I was responding.

For the purpose of the OP's question, what other variables are there?

People who aren't in relationships being the main one! So, men cheating with women who are single and vice versa.

@ReneBumsWombats No, I was agreeing with you!

Men cheating with prostitutes and women cheating with prostitutes (not many I would have thought!) the statistics theory didn't make any sense.

Exactly.

If many more men in relationships are cheating than women in relationships then they must be cheating with single women.
In turn this has to mean that single women are having more partners than single men.

This is my point.