"All men cheat, you just never find out about it"

[Maryfast]

I'm part of a mixed friendship group who have been friends since school. We went on a night out Saturday night and my partner works away (we've been together 4 years and bought a house last year). He tends to work away for 3 weeks and then be home for 2 weeks.

Anyway, friends were asking how he was and conversation soon turned to how some would never do a relationship that entails being far apart from each other for certain amounts of time. Then conversation turned to trust and I was saying how I can never imagine he'd cheat on me and how lovely he is.

That"s when one my male friends made the comment on the thread title, followed by how all the males he know outside our friendship group have cheated but all the friends never say anything.

I don't believe this to be true at all and I've never imagined my partner cheating. Does anyone else believe in the view that "men have an innate ability to cheat?"

I think it's nonsense

Are some men more interested or are some better at hiding it? It is perfectly normal afterall and most of what we call "manners" is us repressing basic human instincts.

@Creasedlinen I don't think anyone is saying that they will chat at ANY opportunity where there are women available. those men you were with might not have felt the urge with the women they saw on the night, but still fancy a bit of a fling with one particular women that serves at their local Bar.

Yes, I agree. My point is that just because they don't cheat now, I suspect everyone will cheat at some point.

I don't think it's possible to say someone's not the cheating type because I think stress, bereavement, financial worries, general unhappiness, anger etc lead people to do things they wouldn't usually do.

@5128gap

There's definitely a correlation between leery behaviour and likelihood of cheating.
Some men are simply way more interested in women than others. You can easily pick them out if you observe behaviour.

I'm not sure about that actually. There's definitely parts of male society where cheating would be more likely to be tolerated than others.

But big groups of pissed up lads on nights out sometimes almost feel obliged to play up the "bloke with a wandering eye" image to impress their mates and the group gives them cover to do it (and the alcohol). I'm not sure that necessarily means these types of blokes are likely to follow through on cheating on their wives than more reticent and less lairy ones. It just means they hang out with people who are less likely to call them out on it.

I've known plenty of serial cheats who would never in a million years chat a woman up in a bar in an obvious way. The subtler ones are often more dangerous as they have very plausible deniability.

A LOT of men do in fact cheat, on some level in my experience. I've just sat here now and thought through a list of the men I know well through work, and there's more of them that have cheated than not.

Sorry to mention his name but A.Tate asked so many men this question on his podcasts, men who were so against cheating. In the end they all agreed if they were able to keep their wife and Everything was to stay they same but also be able to have a bit on the side would
they do it and it was always a “yes” in the end

😑

Sorry to mention his name but A.Tate asked so many men this question on his podcasts, men who were so against cheating.

Right. Not exactly an unbiased audience selection then, since those are his podcast listeners.

I think a lot more men cheat than most women realise.

I definitely know that some men you would never in a million years would think were cheating, are cheating. The good guys, the devoted to their partner guys, the strong moral conscious guys. Some of the guys I've found out were cheating - made me realise any guy could cheat.

I’d imagine most people who are against cheating are actually against hurting somebody they love. In this thought exercise, if the person they love is never going to find out, they aren’t going to be hurt. So it’s just sex with somebody else, which is a morally neutral act.

Not his podcast listeners, podcast guests who are actively arguing with him and against his ideas 😂

@Longerthanfiveweeks

sorry for the repeat post i forgot to quote

Not his podcast listeners, podcast guests who are actively arguing with him and against his ideas 😂

I agree. This is an important distinction. Because the question boils down to 'would you have sex with someone else if that was an acceptable thing to do' and I can imagine most people, not just men, would probably say yes to that. Or at least couldn't give it a catagoric and lifelong no.
Most people don't restrict themselves to sex with one person because they have no interest in sex with anyone else from the day they set eyes on their partner; but because the potential consequences of straying from monogamy in terms of hurt caused, losses risked are too great.
So, I suppose that's cheating in a nutshell. People cheat when their desire for sex with someone else outweighs their fear of the consequences.

But if all this is true, then why do we have to pretend that people love each other and romantic (romantic, not sexual) love exists?

Why aren’t we just honest, that people just want to fuck whatever comes their way, and for those who wans to have children - just have some kind of commune or something.

Why all this pretending?

Why bully single people, if relationships are this useless?

Yes. I don't think most people who cheat intend to cause hurt, in fact I think most of them assume they won't get caught and no hurt will ensue.

This certainly doesn't make it right. It's often not true either. Even if the spouse doesn't find out, if you are distant or acting strangely, they can still be hurt and confused. That might even be worse.

But it does inform how I feel about other actions that can ruin a marriage that were most certainly intended to cause hurt. And about people who insist that if you find out about an affair, even when it's absolutely nothing to do with you, you should always tell, and even take pleasure in watching the fallout. The cheater, as selfish and unworthy as they were, probably intended no hurt. Tellers, in these circumstances, are often motivated entirely by causing hurt...even take pleasure in it, if it means bringing a cheater down.

I’ve been in male dominated industries for many years and I would say, more men cheat than you’d think. Even some of the ‘nice’ guys.

I’d show up to work events where they brought their wives along, bold as brass. I used to hate the lies.

BUT, it was by no means all. I’d say 50% given the chance when out of the country would cheat. And that’s a mixture of guys, from professionals to entry level, old, to young.

Some men cheat. So do some women.

But not most. Or maybe just not in the circles I move in.

I couldn’t imagine my husband cheating on me: and he works with nearly all women

I don't agree that the "majority" of men and women cheat. Some do and it may, possibly be a fairly high number, but no way is it the majority.

I have been married for over 40 years. I have never ever in those years wanted sex with anyone but my husband. I am just not interested in any other man. I also believe strongly in marriage and the vows we took. I believe cheating wrong, totally wrong.

My DH holds the same views and morals as I do and I believe him when he says he would never cheat. I am not naive or stupid but not all men and women have the morals of alley cats

It's not pretending. Some of us love and desire our spouses and are loved and desired in return. It may not be quite the same as it was x years ago before children etc, but as Mohammed Ali said, a man who is the same person at 50 as he was at 20 has wastes 30 years of his life. I had a damn good time when I was younger and so did he, so maybe that helps. I don't feel I missed out and I'm as sure as I can be that it doesn't get better than this. Even if it can, it's good enough for me. I simply don't want anyone else.

I don't recognise the sentiment that marriage is "suicide for the soul", as a PP said. Though I probably would if I were unhappily married because that does sound awful.

We’re heavily socialised towards monogamy. Which makes it very difficult for people to have open and honest discussions about sex and sexuality which falls outside of that. I don’t think people so much “pretend” as simply struggle with the concept that love and sex must be invariably intertwined and that loving somebody means you must never find anyone else attractive.

If that's 50% at any one time, that's huge though. A decade earlier or later and the other would ave been at it too IMO.

I don't think many men/people are serial philanderers but I also think a lifetime of monogamy doesn't really work either and perversely, the "nicest" ones are least likely to leave first. If it can all be kept a secret, no one gets hurt.

I have a female friend whose uni friend group have this attitude. They're all human trash when it comes to fidelity. One of them revealed that the friend in question had been secretly shagging her fiance for about a year before they got together, whilst both were in other relationships.

The rest of us were genuinely shocked.

I think it comes down to the fact that cheating types like to think that everyone else does it to. I think it would be better overall if the cheaters married the cheaters and accepted the odd bit of straying, and the more naturally monogamous stuck together too.

I think it would be better overall if the cheaters married the cheaters and accepted the odd bit of straying, and the more naturally monogamous stuck together too.

I think this is what would ultimately happen if non-monogamy was socially acceptable and considered just another lifestyle or relationship model. People would have the freedom to discuss what works for them and develop a relationship which fits accordingly. Whereas as it is, non-monogamy being generally seen as some kind of deviance prevents many people for whom it would be preference from exploring it and having happier relationships all round as a result.

I was surprised at how many male colleagues where I used to work had cheated on their partners. But in my friendship group I just can't imagine any of them would (also DH wouldn't). I dont think all men do cheat, but perhaps more than we think!

I think it's true in some circles. A family member of mine has a circle of friends who are very 'laddish' (for want of a better word) and they would pass around this kind of sentiment, almost like banter. I have no doubt that they've all cheated on their partners. It's about how they view women really.

I think this is a really nice thought (and I have no problem with consensual non-monogamy).

But I don't think this is what would actually happen, because the reality is that a lot more men than women are naturally non-monogamous. It just wouldn't work out.