"All men cheat, you just never find out about it"

[Maryfast]

I'm part of a mixed friendship group who have been friends since school. We went on a night out Saturday night and my partner works away (we've been together 4 years and bought a house last year). He tends to work away for 3 weeks and then be home for 2 weeks.

Anyway, friends were asking how he was and conversation soon turned to how some would never do a relationship that entails being far apart from each other for certain amounts of time. Then conversation turned to trust and I was saying how I can never imagine he'd cheat on me and how lovely he is.

That"s when one my male friends made the comment on the thread title, followed by how all the males he know outside our friendship group have cheated but all the friends never say anything.

I don't believe this to be true at all and I've never imagined my partner cheating. Does anyone else believe in the view that "men have an innate ability to cheat?"

I think it's nonsense

I had 10 years of attending regular sales conferences where the alcohol flows and everyone is in a hotel for a week.

I'd say that some men cheat regularly and some not at all, despite the opportunity.

It says more about him and his likelihood of cheating than it does about men in general.

Men like him crop up on mn fairly regularly to say that all men cheat/watch porn. There is always at least one on every thread related to porn use and on some cheating threads. They laugh sarcastically at women who thinks/knows that her partner wouldn't cheat. I think it makes them feel better about having the morals of an alley cat. They aren't worth a seconds thought.

He is using hyperbole, in saying "all men cheat", but I would say a substantial majority of men do cheat, in one way or another.

As PP have said
Not all men, but a lot more than you would imagine.
I know a few "Oh he would never cheat! He's a good man!" That have, and do.
I've had "Family men" come onto me when I've been single.
I actually do trust my current DP because he had opportunities to try it on when he was miserable in a sexless relationship and didn't. (We got together when he left)

@TomPinch so you are a good man. Well done you. I haven't said all men cheat just that it is far more common than many women realise. You have good morals so your friends don't share what they are up to but many men do cheat.

My husband used an escort. I had friends of his come to me to tell me how disgusted they were with him. Friends i know have cheated on their wives.

When "good" people cheat I don't think anyone knows. I did, a decade ago. A one off, looking back it seems like it "happened" to someone else entirely, but at the time it felt like the only good thing in my life. It wasn't, but I had so much stuff going on that the affair was an escape.

Probably some colleagues at the time suspected, but none of the people who really know me have a clue. And they'd be horrified if they did, I'm just not the type. So, just because you don't know your good friends have been unfaithful, doesn't mean they haven't.

As I said earlier. I don't think everyone is cheating all the time, but I do think most people will at some point. When all the circumstances come together it will happen with even the most unlikely.

My AP was the same. We became friends because he was such a safe, decent family man and then we got too close during a time when work was incredibly stressful and we both felt no one at home understood or wanted to know what we were going through, as long as we kept bringing home the cash. I'm sure that wasn't the case, but it was a really horrible time and we turned to each other to get through it.

Thanks, but I don't think I am a particularly good man. That's rather the point.

I'm sorry about what happened to you.

@YouAreNotBatman

Why aren’t we just honest, that people just want to fuck whatever comes their way, and for those who wans to have children - just have some kind of commune or something.

It’s a really good question and I think a lot of it comes down to historical moral baggage, ie it’s still frowned upon. In particular women historically looked to a man to be their provider and associated this with their need to be monogamous as the woman’s fidelity was the price of this arrangement. Historically people have turned more of a blind eye to men cheating so as long as they maintained a veneer of fidelity that was sufficient.

I think also the modern marriage relies on the Disney myth to sell it to women: marriage today benefits men much more than it does women so all the hearts and flowers stuff is a way of sweetening the pill.

If you can convince yourself he “loves” you in a romantic way and has chosen you over all other women you may feel better about the fact that you spend your life washing his pants and don’t have any of your own money.

If you can convince yourself he “loves” you in a romantic way and has chosen you over all other women you may feel better about the fact that you spend your life washing his pants and don’t have any of your own money.

This is not and never has been my life, or how I view my relationship.

@ReneBumsWombats its not my life either and I've never bought into the Disney myth about marriage being an "everlasting romance".

But it's surprisingly prevalent. Valentine's day and the frantic rush by people who have been married decades to spend money pretending that they still feel "romantic" about one another is testament to this. As is the whole hideous pantomime surrounding weddings in general. All of it is a confection of fantasy that sugar-coats what a bad deal marriage generally is for women.

I grew up watching my parents' marriage (they still are and have been married for over 40 years). My dad absolutely adores my mum, to the point that he would do absolutely anything for her. If she asked him to go to the shops in the middle of the night because she fancied some biscuits, he would absolutely do it without hesitation. They are both highly intelligent and both worked all their lives. I would say that not only has my mum always been an "equal" in the marriage, but she has always been the boss of the house and my dad respects her opinions above anyone else's. The idea that he could ever cheat on her is ludicrous. He has adored her for over 40 years and they are absolutely best friends, on the same wavelength and would rather spend time with each other than with anyone else.

Not all marriages are as crap as people portray in the media/Mumsnet.

I don't know if it has anything to do with it, but both my parents take very good care of themselves physically and are very much into fitness (even in their 60's) - another thing they share. Neither of them has "let themselves go" during the marriage and both take a lot of pride in their appearance.

@XelaM

Not all marriages are as crap as people portray in the media/Mumsnet.

True. And your parents’ marriage sounds great. But honestly these are a minority I think.

One of the striking things is that marriage is the thing most women seem to feel will make them happy and pursue above all else and in fact it tends to make men much happier than women.

That was my parents' marriage too and they were married for 68 years when the died. My dad also adored my mum and I can say for certain he never cheated on her.

I wouldn't say my DH adores me but I know he loves me as much as I love him, which is a lot. He would go to the shop in the middle of the night for me although he would grumble a little bit!

We are totally best friends but also totally still in love after 42 years

Ach, I know. Not on purpose.

I have six friends from school, four from uni, six from my new city. Then add in partners who I've become close to.

The particular friend I'm thinking of is a member of several clubs, and has moved cities a few times. She's stayed in touch with several people from each club in each city. Her wedding guestlist was 200 people! She was a bit miffed that some people didn't travel to it.

I just thought, bless you, you loon, it's just not typical to stay in touch with THAT many people.

I'd love to shift to a smaller number of friends that I saw more regularly, but it's a bit of a lame excuse to cull people from your life.

Aw that's great 😃 I don't blame your husband for grumbling about the hypothetical biscuits 🤣

I think it's important to be friends as well as partners and have some fun together as well. Long marriages require a sense of humour 😂

I think it is very important to be friends as well as partners and am often surprised how many couples don't really seem to be friends.

Someone I worked with came back after her wedding and honeymoon and I asked if she had enjoyed her honeymoon. She said she found it boring just being her and her new husband! Needless to say, their marriage didn't last

Well obviously that guy has and he's trying to drag all men down to his level so he doesn't look/feel bad. He probably has a scummy bunch of male friends?

it's rubbish obviously. Tons of people cheat but I know plenty who would never dream of it. Not every male is morally bankrupt. In my close group of mixed friends, i know three who have cheated on their partners at some point. Two are female one is male.

Who are all these men cheating with? Other men maybe?

It's just statistically impossible that all men cheat and most women don't.
Unless, of course, single women have many more partners than singe men.

It doesn't take much thinking about to realise this can't be true.

Hm. Agree with him more than I disagree, tbh!

Sorry. Known a lot of cheaters.

On a recent trip to the smoking shelter the conversation between the girls revolved around which one of their male co-workers would they like to have sex with.
This idea women are passive participants is nonsense.

Some probably are cheating with men. Some will be with colleagues or others they meet while working away. A lot will be on dating apps, some of them failing to mention they're already in a relationship. People aren't always aware, at least at the outset, that they're part of a cheating relationship, though I imagine these are a minority.

There are very great expectations that relationships will be monogamous, and I think that many couples never discuss whether it is what will suit them most. It does in many cases, buy you also have swingers' clubs - but I think even if you choose a relationship that isn't conventionally monogamous, you can still cheat - any relationship will have boundaries, and if you agree something like you can have sex with others only when together, then having sex with a colleague at a work conference would be cheating. I suspect there are some who decide to try more open relationships without actually agreeing boundaries, because they've already decided they want to sleep with someone else and want to try and legitimise it.

I think a lot of people (both sexes) probably do cheat, and are never found out. Some of these will live with a lot of guilt as a result. I suspect more would if opportunity arose, but they don't actively pursue it. I think there are also habitual cheaters, and they are the most problematic ones, because they don't consider how their actions affect others.

Sleeping with someone else may not be a problem, depending on the relationship, but cheating is, because that implies lack of honesty.

@XelaM sounds like my parents marriage too. looks idyllic and would never have thought in a million years possible. it was only when clearing out drawers after a death, I came across a letter from my dad to my mum that she had kept, apologising for what he had done on a "one off never again" moment 45 years ago.

My marriage would have looked idyllic from the outside and in many ways it was (I'm a widow now). Literally no one close enough to me to have an opinion on my marriage knows I had an affair.

This is SO not true!!! That's very naive.