FAIRISLEFANDANGO, I think I agree that many men really like the fact that when a woman is sort time, they don’t have to give much thought to home/childcare/domestic stuff. They might still do some if this stuff, but somehow, when a woman is part-time, the thinking and engaging with these issues and working them out, all falls to the woman. In fact, even for women who work full time, and wheee the men might DO a fair amount if the home stuff when instructed, it’s usually the woman who thinks it all through and has the mental burden of it all.
Men seem to be more able to walk off to work and not think about whether the pick-up has been arranged a no a costume for the play next day sorted….they just assume the other adult has sorted that stuff. Women are much less likely to feel they can assume that.
It’s partly this mental burden that leads women to work part time. When they are full time, they also do more if the domestic stuff and eta the mental burden of the planning of it all, even if not all the practical stuff. People forget that. And when women work part time, they usually fully take on all that mental burden and almost or all of the domestic practical burden….leaving men free to think purely about their jobs during work hours and to be ‘free’ of burdens when they don’t work…in a way women never are, but always feel some kind of responsibility.
My DH is generally v good. He does all kinds of domestic tasks and childcare…..if I ask him. He rarely takes the initiative or plans ahead, but waits for me to tell him what to do. He doesn’t worry about future schools, clubs etc. We’ve spoken about this and he tells me he doesn’t worry as he knows I’m thinking about the stuff. But what if I don’t want to think about the stuff? If I wasn’t there, he would think about and plan that stuff..because he would have to, but like most men, he simply assumes that I will do it. Have I encouraged that and ‘allowed’ it or is it part of some kind of systemic patriarchy? Probably a bit of both.
I wonder when women work full time and the man part time, if the man fully takes in the mental burden if home and child decisions or if the woman holds onto much of that too? I suspect they do? Is it that women are control freaks? Or is it that men have through history simply walked away from that stuff and it’s not inbuilt to feel responsibility for the decision making on it? Interesting stuff. I suspect that we are far more socially conditioned than we think and the patriarchy History had more hold on us than we imagine and like to think about. Most of us like to think our set-up is purely chosen based on ways suits our family and makes everyone happy. It’s true to a point, but our assumptions and feelings about work, being at home, the mental burden are all shaped by history.
Is it that women wanted it all and quickly found that having it all was just too much and that something has to give….with women choosing different elements to ‘give up’. However, perhaps men never wanted it all. They’d got things worked out how they liked them. Going to work suited them and leaving the other stuff to women worked well for them because they weren’t that interested in that stuff. When women started working too, that was great as an added bonus of meaning that there was more cash and less financial pressure on them….but at the same time, although stepping up a bit domestically, they never really properly took on the responsibility for domsectic and child stuff, leaving that to women. And the women continue to insist that they want that responsibility and don’t want to have it taken from them….so men can say ‘who am I to argue with that’. In lots of ways. Women are their own worst enemies, trying to have it all, but bearing the cost of everything too which is too much and pushes many ultimately to be part time, as a way to cope.