Would you do this, if you could?

[Am1beingUnreasonable]

Indulge me if you will! Bit of a hypothetical question but really interested to hear your views. Long winded but bear with me!

Imagine you’re in a long term relationship, or married, say 10+ years. You have children with this person, for arguments sake say 2-3 all between the ages of 1 year and 8 years.

The opportunity arises for you to live in two separate households. Around a 30 minute drive between properties.

In this scenario the set up would be similar to this:

Monday-Friday the children are with you in your home. You take on all parenting and run your household as you wish. The property is entirely your own to do with as you like. Partner may come over 1-2 times per week for family dinner or to stay the odd night. During this time your partner is working from their own home. They have their home decorated / set up as the like it as do you.

Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon, you either all stay together in one household, you going there or them staying with you OR the other partner takes all the children to their house and has a weekend with them. You get to be in your own home on your own if you wish!

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well.

Just for clarity, it is as if you have a home each, both set up entirely as you would like it, your own decor/rules. If either stays at the others home they take a weekend bag with clothes and what they need, you don’t have duplicates of all you need long-term in each others home.

Soooo would you enjoy this kind of set up? Or would it be a non starter?

How rude.

You started this thread with minimal information for people to work with and then get arsey about the very predictable replies. I'll happily leave you to it now op.

I would do this in your position. No shared children.

But the fact that Op and her dp/dh do have shared children makes it a whole different ball game.

I'd not enjoy it if I was the parent with the DC 5 days a week. As the parent around during the school week you'd be the one (especially as they get older) who has to nag them about homework/getting ready for school/bedtime etc whilst time when the other parent is around (with or without you) will be more fun, weekend stuff. You'd also end up having to do all the driving around to hobbies/after school activities (or arranging lift shares etc). I think there's also a risk that you'd end up as default parent even when you and your partner were both around and being expected to do most of the mental load even when your partner had them (eg reminding about anything the children need etc). I also think that whilst they may enjoy the odd weekend at a holiday home, as they get older the children will not particularly enjoy having to live between 2 houses (especially if they have friends where they live in the week that they want to hang out with) so you may well end up with teenagers staying with you on your weekends off (or being sulky with you because you say they can't). I know a few divorced parents who co-parent remarkably well but this has been a problem.

In short- if the arrangement was to support some particular need (eg work in 2 locations) I'd probably put up with it but not enjoy it and expect it to be relatively short term. Otherwise no.

That's a strange post OP. I haven't seen much judgement here; I think most people are just really, REALLY curious as to why you'd want to do this, because we enjoy spending time with our partners.

You asked us what we thought. We told you.

If everything is in fact so brilliant that what we think doesn't matter, then a) why did you ask and b) why are you so offended?

Absolutely.

But crack on, OP. I'm sure your kids will thank you for disrupting their life so you can decorate as you wish.

you mention several times that you could run the household as you wish, decorate as you wish - is the issue that you have a lot of disagreements and can't find compromises? DH and I have similar tastes and habits anyway, so don't need separate households, but I could see the appeal if you always have to compromise or go against what you really want.

Yes, think on this as a possibility op. I feel exactly the same as this person. My husband is still the one that I want to spend my time with. We actually enjoy each others company. Weird isn't it.

Sorry couldn't resist, despite saying I was out.

I'm a single parent dating my new partner who lives 45 mins away, we dont see each other in the week due to work patterns and him not driving so not too dissimilar from the set up you describe and honestly its absolutely shit. I hate constantly carting mine and ds stuff around and not feeling settled/living out of luggage. Double the Bill's and his place is freezing and his bed isnt comfortable to me so I never sleep right there. I hate the feeling of having to travel every weekend as well when I just want to relax and enjoy my weekend. I get really lonely in the week as well.not seeing my partner

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well

I'm happy with my relationship with lots of people. There are no issues or arguments and I get on very well with many - my window cleaner for example. The lady that does my nails. My work colleagues, my neighbours.

That's what this relationship sounds like - friendly and distant. It's no wonder you'd consider living apart.

For many though, that's not what their marriage is like op. DH is my person. I want to share things with him...time, money, choices, experiences, the good, the bad, the funny, the drudgery.

Living apart would be miserable and totally unnecessary. If you don't feel like that about your DH, you'd be better off looking for someone you do feel that about.

It is very dissimilar, because your child is not your partner's

Yes, all of this.

Its similar in terms of literally all of the practicalities that I have mentioned e.g. the logistics of slogging you and dc around every weekend and missing your partner during the week. Are you a bit slow on your comprehension skills?

Be as well not be in a relationship

Not really, no. You are two people at the start of a relationship who haven't moved in together yet.
Op and her dh have an established relationship, with shared children and a shared home and one of them is planning to move out.
My perfectly functioning comprehension skills tells me one of these things is not quite like the other 😂

No I wouldn't do this because I like my husband and enjoy spending time with him. My husband also loves spending time with our DD so it's very unfair that he wouldn't see her during the week. Also who is looking after the kids when I have plans during the week? Or are all hobbies & evenings with friends midweek now supposed to be off the table?

Getting to decorate a house how I want and run it exactly how I want would not be anywhere near reason enough to split to 2 homes.

The only reason I would consider this is if my partner had to work away in the short/ medium term and we didn't want to relocate the kids.

If it's to scam the benefit system shame on you!
If it's not then whoever has the kids all week is a fecking mug 🤷‍♀️

Yes and if I'd claimed it was exactly the same situation you might have a point, I was giving relevant experience based on specific things not relating to anything you have listed there.

I'm a single parent dating my new partner who lives 45 mins away, we dont see each other in the week due to work patterns and him not driving so not too dissimilar from the set up you describe and honestly its absolutely shit. I hate constantly carting mine and ds stuff around and not feeling settled/living out of luggage

Why are you carting your child around to your 'new partners' house for overnights? How totally unfair on your dc.

I understand the desire for your own space and comfort but I think it would be too much of an upheaval. I would think maybe a weekday each where you can get away for down time would be lovely but at the end of the day running two households is not going to reduce the labour, mental load, cost etc. it’s just going to add to it.

I'd probably split the kids a bit more evenly between the two households, but this sounds pretty ideal to me, I miss having my own space tremendously sometimes.

God no! Why would I want to be a single mum through the week if I had a partner and we didn’t desperately need to have this kind of arrangement (e.g they absolutely had to work away)?

And it’s not only the unfairness of doing the majority of the parenting, I’d miss my partner too. I married him because I love him and enjoy his company... I’d also struggle to respect a man who chose to spend all week away from his parenting responsibilities, and I’d worry about the impact on my children who would no doubt miss their dad.

If my husband leaves me or dies I will never live with another person again, I love being on my own and crave a small, simple property and to live according to my own rhythm.

But, I wouldn't move out an existing spouse or create distance between a parent and children unless out of absolute necessity.

My dream scenario. YANBU

My dream would be to live next door to each other in a pair of semi’s. Unfortunately my bloke isn’t keen.