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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you do this, if you could?

374 replies

Am1beingUnreasonable · 12/10/2022 10:44

Indulge me if you will! Bit of a hypothetical question but really interested to hear your views. Long winded but bear with me!

Imagine you’re in a long term relationship, or married, say 10+ years. You have children with this person, for arguments sake say 2-3 all between the ages of 1 year and 8 years.

The opportunity arises for you to live in two separate households. Around a 30 minute drive between properties.

In this scenario the set up would be similar to this:

Monday-Friday the children are with you in your home. You take on all parenting and run your household as you wish. The property is entirely your own to do with as you like. Partner may come over 1-2 times per week for family dinner or to stay the odd night. During this time your partner is working from their own home. They have their home decorated / set up as the like it as do you.

Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon, you either all stay together in one household, you going there or them staying with you OR the other partner takes all the children to their house and has a weekend with them. You get to be in your own home on your own if you wish!

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well.

Just for clarity, it is as if you have a home each, both set up entirely as you would like it, your own decor/rules. If either stays at the others home they take a weekend bag with clothes and what they need, you don’t have duplicates of all you need long-term in each others home.

Soooo would you enjoy this kind of set up? Or would it be a non starter?

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 12/10/2022 11:26

Am1beingUnreasonable · 12/10/2022 11:17

Side note: I’m really surprised how many people think it’s for benefits! Not that there’s anything wrong with people claiming benefits they are entitled to but I’d be a bit embarrassed if people around us thought that’s why we were doing it! I wouldn’t be entitled to anything at all I’m sure, we would still be married and earning our own money.

It's because it's such a weird thing to be doing if the relationship really is as strong and wonderful as you say it is and you have kids together.

And why do you have to do his washing? Can't he work the machine?

butterfliedtwo · 12/10/2022 11:28

So basically he doesn't have to do any childcare but pays towards expenses and sees the children on weekends mostly? That's called divorce.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 12/10/2022 11:29

Also...read the room op

Many people are struggling with running ONE home with rising cost of living

Here you are telling us all how fab it will be with 2 homes and all the associated expenses and extra unnecessary travel between ... who gains from this? Just you with a reduced washing load?

I still think it's for the benefits though

Bemyclementine · 12/10/2022 11:30

I'd love this. I say that though as an almost divorced single parent who can't ever imagine living with someone again.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 12/10/2022 11:30

And you are naive to think he will not be seeking out sex elsewhere in the mon-Fri and every other weekend off scenario

sandytooth · 12/10/2022 11:33

Is it a work thing?

Wailywailywaily · 12/10/2022 11:34

I can see advantages to the idea but that may be because I don’t like living with men. For me it would work if you lived in a semi detached property one of you on each side so that all the childcare and everything else related to child rearing could be shared equally. And so the kids don’t have to travel miles every weekend. But then I think that in that situation the relationship is probably over anyway so it’s time to just divorce and get on with your life.

sandytooth · 12/10/2022 11:35

Wailywailywaily · 12/10/2022 11:34

I can see advantages to the idea but that may be because I don’t like living with men. For me it would work if you lived in a semi detached property one of you on each side so that all the childcare and everything else related to child rearing could be shared equally. And so the kids don’t have to travel miles every weekend. But then I think that in that situation the relationship is probably over anyway so it’s time to just divorce and get on with your life.

Why have a male partner at all then?

Topgub · 12/10/2022 11:35

For those who can see advantages, what are they?

I mean I can see how the weekend fun parent is getting an advantage.

But not the daily one

flingingmelon · 12/10/2022 11:36

YABU - more hassle than it's worth. Just get a house with two studies

gogohmm · 12/10/2022 11:37

No because cuddling up at night is the best bit of the day. I want to share my life not live in parallel homes. Exh would have loved this my the way, dipping in and out of family life but I refused his suggestion

Tessasanderson · 12/10/2022 11:38

I would be utterly miserable, possibly suicidal if my partner ever suggested that.

I love my partner and i love my children. There is absolutely no set up i can ever imagine that would make spending time away from them preferential.

Honestly, it sounds like a step down from an open relationship where you sleep around. So sad

xogossipgirlxo · 12/10/2022 11:39

Well, maybe if I was in unhappy marriage, it could work. Can't imagine living like this atm, but I like my husband (not only love him because we're married), so can't imagine spending whole weeks apart. Nope.

EL8888 · 12/10/2022 11:40

Topgub · 12/10/2022 10:59

No.

Because then I'd be responsible for the kids at least 5 days a week? With shared care at weekends?

Fuck that

2 separate households would only work if he had the kids half the week too.

Exactly. Why should l do the majority of the heavy lifting?

Hearthnhome · 12/10/2022 11:41

Nope. I would live separately from my partner. But I wouldn’t have the kids having 2 homes if they didn’t need to.

I am separated from the kids dad and it’s hard enough on kids having 2 homes but neither being the permanent one. As my kids got old both chose to stay the majority of time? It made them feel more settled and secure.

Kids often don’t take to being sent off with a weekend bag and leaving their own home, because mum/dad wants the house to themselves. Or seeing a lot less of the parent that lives 30 mins away.

In this situation I would feel like I was putting the kids out of their home for the weekend.

I wouldn’t live like a separated couple of I wasn’t. The kids seem to get the poor end of parents separating. The parents get the good but are actually together.

cultkid · 12/10/2022 11:42

I would miss my husband so much
My rules are his rules
We are on the same page

I do fantasise about my own bedroom though (only because he snores!)

Wailywailywaily · 12/10/2022 11:42

@sandytooth I don’t, I’m very happily divorced and sharing childcare 50/50 with an x who live just far enough away so that I can keep my life very private.

bettyfretty · 12/10/2022 11:43

I'm going against the grain here - this would suit me down to the ground. Providing it was affordable and nothing dodgy about it.

Guiltypleasures001 · 12/10/2022 11:45

All sounds like a fab idea to me op, you crack on

buggeredmyleg · 12/10/2022 11:47

What about when the kids get older? They're not going to want to go to the holiday home.

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 12/10/2022 11:48

It sounds tempting but in reality no I wouldn’t.

maryberryslayers · 12/10/2022 11:49

No!! Why should one person be doing all the midweek parenting, having to work around school run & nursery drop offs so career is impacted, cooking, cleaning up after kids bedtimes, whilst the other looks after themselves works when they please and then pops around to have dinner made for them and a shag!
Either split and do 50:50 parenting or behave like a family.

JackieCollinsExistentialQuestionTime · 12/10/2022 11:50

It sounds so depressing.

If you love your husband or wife, sharing a home and the day to day is the dream right?

It’s of course a different situation if one has to work away or if you’re separated/divorced but I couldn’t conceive doing this in a happy marriage.

It also seems unfair on the children. Again, of course the children adapt if it’s necessary but if you’re happy why put them through such upheaval.

Honestly, if me or my husband were at a point where this felt like ‘the dream’ I would feel like the marriage was over.

I miss my husband terribly when he’s not here - we’ve been together 16 years and have a lot of stress in our lives, so I’m not saying this as a naive newlywed! When I’m elsewhere, coming home to him keeps me going and vice versa. My day is always improved for his being here.

At the risk of overstepping, you both deserve to have that feeling. Maybe truly think about how happy you are.

EllieQ · 12/10/2022 11:52

No, because I like actually spending time with my husband!

It also sounds like the Mon-Fri parent has the worse deal. They do everything during the week and get to entertain the DP on the occasional evening (bet the DP wouldn’t be cooking when they come over for dinner). They deal with all the school/ nursery runs, the evening rush of dinner, homework, bed and bath, all the school events and last minute requests, and no doubt they’ll have to do all the packing for the children to go to the other house. What about all the household stuff that needs to be done at weekends if you work, like laundry (school uniforms especially) - are they going to take a bag of dirty laundry to the other house and bring clean stuff back? One weekend off a fortnight does not compensate for that.

The other partner has no responsibilities during the week beyond work, can go over and have dinner cooked for them, and only has sole responsibility for the children two days out of fourteen.

Its also disruptive for the children, and as a PP has pointed out, will they be missing out on weekend activities/ parties/ seeing friends from school. This will be more of an issue as they get older and more independent.

Yumsnet · 12/10/2022 11:52

Lots of reasons not to. But if it wasn’t work related then I’d be absolutely disgusted at my husband being ok being away from his children 5 days a week, for no particular reason. And being ok with me doing the majority of parenting.