Would you do this, if you could?

[Am1beingUnreasonable]

Indulge me if you will! Bit of a hypothetical question but really interested to hear your views. Long winded but bear with me!

Imagine you’re in a long term relationship, or married, say 10+ years. You have children with this person, for arguments sake say 2-3 all between the ages of 1 year and 8 years.

The opportunity arises for you to live in two separate households. Around a 30 minute drive between properties.

In this scenario the set up would be similar to this:

Monday-Friday the children are with you in your home. You take on all parenting and run your household as you wish. The property is entirely your own to do with as you like. Partner may come over 1-2 times per week for family dinner or to stay the odd night. During this time your partner is working from their own home. They have their home decorated / set up as the like it as do you.

Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon, you either all stay together in one household, you going there or them staying with you OR the other partner takes all the children to their house and has a weekend with them. You get to be in your own home on your own if you wish!

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well.

Just for clarity, it is as if you have a home each, both set up entirely as you would like it, your own decor/rules. If either stays at the others home they take a weekend bag with clothes and what they need, you don’t have duplicates of all you need long-term in each others home.

Soooo would you enjoy this kind of set up? Or would it be a non starter?

No, a stable home for the children is important.

Very selfish and unfair on the kids.

Pointless being married really.

I'd quite like to have a separate house but this scenario feels like being a single parent and I would resent it. The Helena Bonham Carter/ Tim Burton set up sounds ideal.

You'd rather do all the parenting and running around after 3 children under 8 for the week just so your toilet seat wasn't up and you can star fish in bed?

I don’t get it! Bloody weird, but then again I’m happily married. And yes along with the other posters I thought it must be a benefit scam cos to me it’s bonkers

Wouldn’t be worth the years of therapy the kids would need post experience

Sounds like a divorced couple who still get on. I can see the appeal, but it’s not a proper relationship.

it's very close to my set up.....amicably separated. Very friendly with each other, and occasionally even lightly flirt but would never go back. lol....

The only downside if having all home expenses for each person's home and the carting of stuff and forgetting clothes etc at the other home.

Not with young children. Pretty much same as being a single parent with a supportive ex.

I’ve been married 30+ years and can’t imagine needing/ wanting a separate house from my husband , I can see why some people would like separate bedrooms but if you are basically going to be having a dating type of relationship it makes me wonder why that appeals .

I don't know about unreasonable, but you are being very naive if you think this 'hypothetical' person, if they are male, won't take full advantage of having an empty house to reincarnate themselves as a bachelor, have an affair (and plenty of women would love to land a bloke with a house of his own), possibly get into a ltr with a new partner, then decide they weren't going to be nice and have the children every weekend, because new laydee didn't like the responsibility. In other words, single parenthood by the scenic route. A 'hypothetical' gamble, if you ask me.

Dear OP - YADNBU!!!
i would absolutely love this set up if I had the money. We are a neurodivergent family, I love my DH of 31 years dearly, but would LOVE not to live with him all the time - particularly since Covid when he’s been working from home almost permanently. I cannot stand it and it’s making me miserable, coupled with the fact our teen has complex needs and is also at home most of the time. I think it would be tough for her going away at weekends, and that’s the thing that really might not work, but GOD I’d love to sleep in a bed by myself 5 nights a week. I’m peri menopausal and I just want some f’ing peace and quiet.

This right here is living the dream!

I think it's an odd idea and I personally wouldn't like it. Having split up with my husband, and having lived with him and the kids for 18 months during the pandemic even though we were split up (due to finances), things are so much easier when there are 2 parents in the house. It's really hard work doing everything on your own, even in the weeks when it's only 5 days a week. It's exhausting. I don't know why anyone would do this voluntarily if they hadn't split up. If you want your own space and your own decor and you have all this spare money, just get a bigger house!!!

'If you want your own space and your own decor and you have all this spare money, just get a bigger house!!!'

One with a flat attached or a sc apartment on the top floor.

Still think OP would get her eyes opened when she realises how few men are up to the challenge of looking after what sound like VERY small children completely alone. It is difficult, tedious, exhausting. Wouldn't be long until they were trotting out the classics - 'he won't settle without you', 'she keeps crying and asking where you are.' And OP is suddenly a single parent by default!

It would be my dream but not sure it would work for the children

Looking after 3 children under 8 by yourself all week when they have a father who could be sharing the load is "living the dream"? Dream bigger...

Sounds good on paper, but it's all in those Blurred Lines.....

Why not just have a separate bedroom and bathroom??

It does sound ideal to me and there are definitely advantages of having your own space that you can create to your taste. However both parties need to be trustworthy, committed and honest for it to work. Often one party will take advantage of the opportunity to have affairs, secrecies. It's a shame because the apartner relationship (living apart together) can work very well.

I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to live with your husband? It sounds lonely and simply awful to me. I'd be heartbroken to be without my husband on a daily basis. Parenting would be harder and so much less fun. No adult to talk to and share those moments with our kids with. No one to make me my morning coffee. No one to go to bed with at the end of the day.

Let alone how disruptive it would be for your children and how much more expensive it would be than running one household.

I just don't get why anyone would want this?

I love it when a zombie thread that I wrote on gets resurrected and I can look back and see if I agree with "2022 me". On this occasion I do, but occasionally I've come across a comment and thought "well that person's totally wrong" and then realised it was me

As this thread has been resurrected, and on the off-chance OP is looking — I can’t believe how many posters immediately thought this was a benefits scam! Haven’t any of them ever wondered about different ways of living?

OP, whatever you decided, I hope it turned out well for you all.