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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you do this, if you could?

374 replies

Am1beingUnreasonable · 12/10/2022 10:44

Indulge me if you will! Bit of a hypothetical question but really interested to hear your views. Long winded but bear with me!

Imagine you’re in a long term relationship, or married, say 10+ years. You have children with this person, for arguments sake say 2-3 all between the ages of 1 year and 8 years.

The opportunity arises for you to live in two separate households. Around a 30 minute drive between properties.

In this scenario the set up would be similar to this:

Monday-Friday the children are with you in your home. You take on all parenting and run your household as you wish. The property is entirely your own to do with as you like. Partner may come over 1-2 times per week for family dinner or to stay the odd night. During this time your partner is working from their own home. They have their home decorated / set up as the like it as do you.

Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon, you either all stay together in one household, you going there or them staying with you OR the other partner takes all the children to their house and has a weekend with them. You get to be in your own home on your own if you wish!

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well.

Just for clarity, it is as if you have a home each, both set up entirely as you would like it, your own decor/rules. If either stays at the others home they take a weekend bag with clothes and what they need, you don’t have duplicates of all you need long-term in each others home.

Soooo would you enjoy this kind of set up? Or would it be a non starter?

OP posts:
33goingon64 · 12/10/2022 11:12

No. I just want everyone to be tidier in our one house and for DH to stop being such a stress ball. Not worth splitting up the family for. We're a unit and don't get enough time all together as it is.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 12/10/2022 11:13

I am a solo parent half the week. With a supportive and stable husband or partner who contributes meaningfully, why on earth would you want to separate like this? And if you did, 30 minutes apart is silly. With a useless cocklodger or an argumentative arsehole, why keep up the pretence of being together? I wouldn’t want this sort of arrangement until the kids were adults, when your own preferences are the main deciding factor behind big decisions.

thelobsterquadrille · 12/10/2022 11:13

No.

I love my husband and wouldn't want my kids living between two households unless there was absolutely no other choice.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 12/10/2022 11:13

So it's the husband moving out? Or are the kids moving to the house 30 mins away and changing schools?

Assume it's the husband. You then claim he's left you and claim full benefits.

You meet up at weekends and he comes over in the week...for 'dinner' He gives you a bit of extra top up cash

He keeps majority of his wage and lives in his new place. I give it 6 months until he's on Tinder

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 12/10/2022 11:14

I would think if I had to dream up a living scenario like this and try to justify it working, I'd come to the realisation that maybe I don't want to be with my partner after all?

Original poster
Am1beingUnreasonable · 12/10/2022 11:15

Oh dear, didn’t even occur to me someone might think it was a scam 🤣

No, for context there’s no benefits being claimed, both totally financially independent, homes owned outright. The parent who doesn’t have the children during the week pays for the weekly shop, and contributes 50/50 to any kids clubs, clothing, hobbies and so on.

Currently in a situation where this could be a possibility for us and I was quite excited about having my own space and not having to do his washing 🤣 but some replies are giving me pause for thought.

As for the kids, the other house is currently a holiday home and they love going there and love having different toys / experiences / surroundings. They’ve never been anything other than excited to head down at a weekend but I wonder would the overly wear off.

Anyway, all entirely hypothetical but I’m enjoying reading the different views. Thanks for sharing your opinions :)

OP posts:
mjf981 · 12/10/2022 11:16

I heard the other day that Kourtenay Kardashian and Travis Barker do this, even now after they are married. A bit different I guess as they each have their own kids, but they don't live together. Apparantly its quite common among the hollywood set.

Original poster
Am1beingUnreasonable · 12/10/2022 11:17

Side note: I’m really surprised how many people think it’s for benefits! Not that there’s anything wrong with people claiming benefits they are entitled to but I’d be a bit embarrassed if people around us thought that’s why we were doing it! I wouldn’t be entitled to anything at all I’m sure, we would still be married and earning our own money.

OP posts:
ThatGirlInACountrySong · 12/10/2022 11:18

Ah so when they have school friends and birthday parties and activities that fall on a weekend what will you do then??

Messing up your kids is what you are potentially doing here

Topgub · 12/10/2022 11:18

You're actually considering doing this and claim your relationship is fine?

Why?!

I dont get it.

I dont get why you'd be ok with your oh you're in a relationship being a non resident parent with no responsibility for childcare

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 12/10/2022 11:19

I don’t care enough about having my own way or the decor to be arsed with that and also not having duplicates at the others house and having to pack a bag every time.
No thanks.

sandytooth · 12/10/2022 11:19

The parent who doesn’t have the children during the week pays for the weekly shop, and contributes 50/50 to any kids clubs, clothing, hobbies and so on. are they working away? That is the only time I could see this being acceptable. The kids need to know why they are basically living like their parents are separated but with them getting back together at the weekends.

knittingaddict · 12/10/2022 11:20

No way. I love and like my husband and have for almost 40 years. I can't honestly see the advantage for anyone in the family unless one actively dislikes the other. There's a little thing called divorce for that.

sandytooth · 12/10/2022 11:20

Currently in a situation where this could be a possibility for us and I was quite excited about having my own space and not having to do his washing 🤣 you don't have to do his washing now though? Show him where the machine is.

Do you like him much?

Johnnysgirl · 12/10/2022 11:20

As for the kids, the other house is currently a holiday home and they love going there and love having different toys / experiences / surroundings. They’ve never been anything other than excited to head down at a weekend but I wonder would the overly wear off
How did you make the step from having it as a holiday home for all of you, to your dh moving out and living there alone?
Agree with pp, you're in the first stages of separating, even if you haven't quite realised it yet.

knittingaddict · 12/10/2022 11:21

Am1beingUnreasonable · 12/10/2022 11:17

Side note: I’m really surprised how many people think it’s for benefits! Not that there’s anything wrong with people claiming benefits they are entitled to but I’d be a bit embarrassed if people around us thought that’s why we were doing it! I wouldn’t be entitled to anything at all I’m sure, we would still be married and earning our own money.

I would assume it's for benefits.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 12/10/2022 11:21

A bit touchy about the benefits angle aren't you op? Hmm

CoveredInCobwebs · 12/10/2022 11:22

I wouldn’t because the kids and I enjoy my husband’s/their Dad’s company during the week!

Without kids - I still personally wouldn’t want to, but my late Dad and his partner did the living together apart thing and it worked very well for them both - they started it when kids were still living at home but carried it on once we’d all gone.

knittingaddict · 12/10/2022 11:22

So this isn't hypothetical? Wow. Beginning of the end of the relationship.

sandytooth · 12/10/2022 11:23

How hypothetical is this ?

ReneBumsWombats · 12/10/2022 11:23

No, I wouldn't like it at all. It sounds disruptive and confusing for the kids (it's a more complex set up than two straightforward homes with separated parents when they know where they are and who's going to be there and when). Plus, I happen to like my husband and I like living in a unit with him and our children. He and I each get the occasional weekend away to ourselves.

I'd find it all a bit cold.

BuddhaAtSea · 12/10/2022 11:25

I had that with my previous partner. Each in their own house, with their own child, we would get together on Thursdays when we both had the children for the weekend, we blended till Sunday evening, when we all went to our respective homes. The following weekend our children would go to their other parents, and we’d spend the weekend together from Thursday onwards.

Somehow, the blended weekends morphed into always being at my place, I was cleaning all the mess and doing all the cooking, then he took up running and left me to do his share of childcare, so I shipped them both home, because it all became too much.

I thoroughly recommend two houses though.

Suzi888 · 12/10/2022 11:26

Hmmm maybe. But unrealistic circumstances, where we are millionaires, we have a home in the city and one one the coast.

I can see the appeal in one way if your partner is really particular about things like decor, cleanliness in the home etc and maybe you clash or argue over those things. But what happens when you both get older or would you cross that bridge when you come to it.
I don’t know if you would both get really comfortable in your respective homes and think what’s the point in being together…
But then absence makes the heart grow fonder… so they say.

You could try it and see how it goes I guess. Sell one or rent it if it doesn’t work out.

CoveredInCobwebs · 12/10/2022 11:26

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well.

But then why don’t you want to physically be together?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/10/2022 11:26

This would only work for me if the homes were next door or near as dammit and the care for the children was shared completely equally.