Would you do this, if you could?

[Am1beingUnreasonable]

Indulge me if you will! Bit of a hypothetical question but really interested to hear your views. Long winded but bear with me!

Imagine you’re in a long term relationship, or married, say 10+ years. You have children with this person, for arguments sake say 2-3 all between the ages of 1 year and 8 years.

The opportunity arises for you to live in two separate households. Around a 30 minute drive between properties.

In this scenario the set up would be similar to this:

Monday-Friday the children are with you in your home. You take on all parenting and run your household as you wish. The property is entirely your own to do with as you like. Partner may come over 1-2 times per week for family dinner or to stay the odd night. During this time your partner is working from their own home. They have their home decorated / set up as the like it as do you.

Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon, you either all stay together in one household, you going there or them staying with you OR the other partner takes all the children to their house and has a weekend with them. You get to be in your own home on your own if you wish!

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well.

Just for clarity, it is as if you have a home each, both set up entirely as you would like it, your own decor/rules. If either stays at the others home they take a weekend bag with clothes and what they need, you don’t have duplicates of all you need long-term in each others home.

Soooo would you enjoy this kind of set up? Or would it be a non starter?

This makes me feel a bit sad. The children should get the benefit of living in one house with their family all together.
I love my dh, love spending time together, love us all having dinner in the evening as a family. Messy house or tidy house it doesn’t matter. Whether he’s annoyed me or not he’s still the one I want talk things through with as they pop into my mind. I’m happy to share the tv remote and sit through his rubbish programs because that’s what marriage is, it’s compromise.
I like time on my own too but being married and having children was my choice and I want to do it wholeheartedly and in the very best way possible. It’s not a surprise pp assume your marriage isn’t happy if you are so excited at this prospect? I know everyone is different and all marriages are too but some things are just fundamental surely? I hope you find what you are looking for op.

It wouldn’t work for us but my BIL does it and it’s worked really well for them.

No. Part of what makes mine a happy relationship is the small day to day things. Being able to vent to each other after a crappy day, cooking together, a drink on the back deck while watching the kids play. We parent and grow together. If we need space I would go read in the bedroom or DH would watch TV in the other lounge room. We don’t need a whole separate house.

I'd be lonely in the evenings. It's also A LOT to maintain a house on your own. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, DIY all on your own.

I do think some space makes the heart grow fonder and I do think some space can improve relationships. But not living apart permanently.

BUT you only live once and if everyone in the family is happy with that arrangement then go for it

Can work really well. The only issue is if one child is very ill in the night and requires an ambulance and you have to hope the other parent arrives before the ambulance does.
Much better to be on the same site. One gets the family home, the other gets the annexe. Man in annexe gets his own space but is available when required.

Theres a lot of judgement on this thread but some us like our own space and enjoy the parenting.

But why? What is so important? This is the best solution to *what" problem?

How fucked up is your outlook on life that you think reducing your laundry load by one person's clothing is worth the extra workload of being the sole parent mon-fri?! Does your husband not do ANY parenting during the week currently?! That's the only way I can imagine you'd think this would be ok

As many others, I both love and like my husband and he loves me AND his children. Not in a million years would he agree to not seeing them mon-fri and no way would I effectively become a single parent while he swans in and out. There's no way your relationship is as happy as you claim and I suspect your husband is a bit of a waste of space as a parent if you think this would be a good setup

Yes absolutely I would. In a heartbeat. I love having my own space. So does my DH. Best of both worlds IMO. Go for it!

How fucked up is your outlook on life that you think reducing your laundry load by one person's clothing is worth the extra workload of being the sole parent mon-fri?!

I'm more concerned that she seems to think wanting to live with your husband is a sign that your relationship is bad.

No of course not, my husband actually participated in raising his children... also I would miss him

Don't you think the children would be upset that their dad doesn't appear to want to live with them full time? It would be hard to interpret that as anything other than rejection. At least the breakdown of a relationship provides a reason that your parents can't live together anymore. But if your dad has half moved out but is still apparently in a positive relationship with your mum... how are they supposed to make sense of that?

Oh dear, sounds like you’re the unhappy one by how defensive you’ve gotten.

@Orangesare

Presumably the only parenting at weekends with the other parent there, doesn't enjoy the parenting that much.

No one is really answering what the advantages are for the resident parent

I would like it, but my kids would hate it. I think it would be better if partner worked away M-F and came home at weekends to a shared house (even if they owned a mid-week flat), but appreciate you can't then 'run the house as you see fit' etc.

No. I actually like my husband. And it’s sad for children to only see their dad at weekends. Plus, you’d need a babysitter everytime you wanted to pop out on a weekdag.

What a dumb idea 🤣🤣🤣 I mean 👏 OP, after millions of years of families co-habiting, you have invented a better way! You genius!

🤣

Sell the holiday home, buy a bigger property, have a room each that you can decorate as you wish. Split the household tasks more fairly and don't uproot the kids every weekend.

If you're happy to spend days apart at a time then are you really just on the fast track to actually splitting up but with this as a practice run?

Man in annexe gets his own space but is available when required
What the actual fuck? 🤣🤣🤣

If I were childless I would love that. It would be my ideal setup.

Not with kids. Too complicated for the kids. I don't think they would like it. Plus it is nice to have day-to-day support from my OH on an ad hoc basis. For example, if I want him to look after children while I am ill, or pick something up while I'm home with sleeping baby, or wrangle the screaming toddler while I pay some attention the 6yo.

YABU as it would be a logistical nightmare unless you have nothing to do all day and your kids either don’t do activities or do the same thing at the same time. Having two people is often hard enough for logistics of school drop off/pick up and clubs, sports, activities once kids are school age unless neither need/want to work and both make it an occupation. I can remember thinking I’d give anything to clone myself with tired toddler, young kids at dance, others training practice and throw two different households out bro that and 🤯.

Not a chance, I can't see any advantages for the person who has the children the most.

YANBU.

I grew up like that as my parent both had bitter devorces and had rebounded and bought their own houses and weren't wanting to risk losing everything again, it made solid finacial sense and we where no less of a family (my dad travelled for work but we saw him as much as we would if we all lived in 1 house).

As did my parents sort of, both grandfathers in the Army and deployed years at a time while their mothers raised them here at home, usually it would be 2-4 years before their dad returned for a bit and then got re-deployed.

My kids did until very recently too dispite me and the father (my DH) being perfectly happy together.

I had my own (very small 2 up, 2 down) house with the kids and DH inherated a small 3 room (living/kitchen, bedroom, tiny bathroom) bugalow type thing on a family land where he lived (having space you can retreat to when needed really does a relationship some good) and now he uses as his work office since we moved into a joined much bigger house but knowing the annex is still there is good.

Its just entirely normal to me, I find people who think you HAVE to live together and combine bank accounts etc... to be a family bizaare.

Living in a shoe box ontop of each other constantly with no space or security of your own is utterly bat shit to me and sounds like torture and is probably why so many women end up trapped or have to leave with next to nothing and nowhere to go.

Sounds like the absolute dream to me.

Really?

The children being confused/damaged/hurt/bewildered makes it your 'dream'? How odd

I would do this in a heart beat!!!

The other house better be as clean as mine though. And there'd have to be at least some of my belongings there so I don't have to cart absolutely everything back and fore the whole time.

Other than that, yes please, where do I sign up??

Yes id love this. Me and husband love our own space and appreciate eachother much more when we arent in one anothers faces. I am picky and love a clean home my husband is laid back and leaves bits and bats for me to tidy up so i guess i will be doing less!! and we are both very tired parents with busy lives like passing ships. So being in my own space with my kids would be less chaotic. I think id be fine like that!