Would you do this, if you could?

[Am1beingUnreasonable]

Indulge me if you will! Bit of a hypothetical question but really interested to hear your views. Long winded but bear with me!

Imagine you’re in a long term relationship, or married, say 10+ years. You have children with this person, for arguments sake say 2-3 all between the ages of 1 year and 8 years.

The opportunity arises for you to live in two separate households. Around a 30 minute drive between properties.

In this scenario the set up would be similar to this:

Monday-Friday the children are with you in your home. You take on all parenting and run your household as you wish. The property is entirely your own to do with as you like. Partner may come over 1-2 times per week for family dinner or to stay the odd night. During this time your partner is working from their own home. They have their home decorated / set up as the like it as do you.

Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon, you either all stay together in one household, you going there or them staying with you OR the other partner takes all the children to their house and has a weekend with them. You get to be in your own home on your own if you wish!

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well.

Just for clarity, it is as if you have a home each, both set up entirely as you would like it, your own decor/rules. If either stays at the others home they take a weekend bag with clothes and what they need, you don’t have duplicates of all you need long-term in each others home.

Soooo would you enjoy this kind of set up? Or would it be a non starter?

Absolutely a hard no here!
What are you actually gaining? My oh is my best friend, my companion, why would we live seperatly?

I have a friend who lives in the family home with her and hubby's children. He works quite a distance away and his own flat, so stays there during the week. My friend did not want to relocate again. It seems to work for them but I don't think I could do it. Her hubby is on mega money though!

No way!

I can see this being attractive for people without children. I could see it working well. But this is not an arrangement I'd subject any child to willingly, as it sounds incredibly confusing for them.

I'd certainly consider it, although my kids are all but grown up now.

I guess I'm an introvert (although I'm very sociable, love parties and get-togethers and meeting new people). I really value and really, really need, time to myself, on my own, in my own house. I love my husband of 25 years dearly but I'm a much nicer person to be with if I have enough of my own space and time to decompress and just be.

No I wouldn’t, we love being together as a family and as a couple. Being under one roof is part of that.

Apparently works well for the royals/upper aristocracy though!

I don't really see the point of having two separate houses if you are in a relationship and have children together. It definitely wouldn't work for me, I like living with my DH and the cost of running two houses would be silly to me.

Plus if he was coming and seeing the kids, having dinner etc... But doesn't consider it his home then I could see it being more work for me because he wouldn't see any of the chores as his responsibility, even if he was there a lot and contributing to the mess.

My ex and I are divorced and live next door. I kept the house he got the steadings part of which was a holiday cottage. We did it properly so title deed has been split into two and change of use with council etc. He works away so often only really lives there at weekends. Children and pets go between the two houses. We are generally civil. It’s handy in a way as I can ask him to do kid stuff.

I never really get a child free break though as someone wants to come home and use computer or something.

Yes it may well look like a benefits scam.

My friend recently moved into a newly built street.

The neighbours are both 'ex's' both with a house each, practically opposite each other. They are in each others houses all the time, she comes out of his in the morning in her housecoat to go over to hers. They are all over each others Facebook (they added everyone in the street) but maintain they are 'ex's' to all their neighbours.

She works part time and as as she is claiming to be single, will be receiving universal credit and part of her rent paid.

It's very obvious it's a benefit scam where these 2 are involved.

Either be together or separate.
You can’t have the best of both worlds.

It may be lovely for the first couple of weeks until you notice he’s acting differently, then more unavailable and eventually find out there’s someone else, which would be inevitable if you are practically separated anyway.

Why not just agree to be friends and separate?

Nope, I like my DH and our family unit.

Plus it's exhausting schlepping about the place between homes and why would only 1 parent be responsible for all the daily chores that involve running about after 2 or 3 kids under 8 alone?? Madness!

It sounds horrific.

even when not involved personally, parents should be doing everything possible to give children real access to both parents and living 30 minutes apart prevents that.

I could see a separate households scenario working if the houses were next door to one another. From the children’s perspective, it would just be one giant household with two zones where each parent makes the decorating decisions. They could go back and forth at will.

I think Tim Burton and Helena B-C did this, but they lived next door to each other. They are divorced now but I think it worked for them when they did it.

I would love it!

Yes I know of a similar set up that works well. I don’t see an issue as it’s what will work best for you as a family.

No because of the negative impact on the kids. The lack of stability as a starter.

If I could afford it I would have a bigger house with a specific room each. A shared bedroom but then my own room with a sofa, dresser, en suite. That would be a dream. Separate houses not so much.

Bonkers.

How to F up your kids's heads.

Where do we live? Here or there? Where is our stuff? What if I forget my favourite toy? Why am I being shuttled around all the time?

Who cooks in each house? Cleans? Makes sure homework is done and school uniforms and lunches ready? Sounds quite bonkers to be honest.

Living Apart Together (LAT) is very common in the academic world where two jobs rarely come up at the same university at the same time. I know three couples who are LAT, usually with two houses and they all get together on weekends, usually at the original house as kids don't want to move about especially in the teen years. I've also lived Mon-Fri with husband away, back weekends, enjoyed it and found it quite romantic. Just got on with parenting in the week myself, got lots of time off at the weekend!

One thing though, my husband didn't like it as much as I did. I enjoyed just getting on with family life in the week, having a break on Sat and family day Sun. He felt lonely and not involved enough in the day to day activities of the week and tired from rushing about on the weekend. So idyllic though it might seem for the non-resident parent in the week, it wouldn't be for many people.

Sounds like an amicable divorce

Dream life OP

I would happily have 2 terrace houses- next to each other (or the 2 as HBC and TB have uphtread).

Imagine leaving your fav jumper at the wrong house' and the mess -meh!

I have a bedroom - OH has a bedroom kids each have a bedroom that seems a good balance

I know of lots of people who have done this because of career opportunities, academia and otherwise.

My husband was travelling for two years, and away mon-fri.

He missed the family terribly, I was too busy at times to think about it all that much.

It has worked very successfully for several couples who didn't want to divorce and this definitely helped the charade as one managed to be very amicable around the children for 15 years before they eventually recently divorced.

Often a job abroad is a similar cover.

30 minutes away would be more difficult to explain to children that a couple of hours or a flight.

I think people can love and like someone and not want to live with them every day. And some partners are just not very good helping out with the kids and an arrangement like this might suit people better. There are many ways of living this life, this idea that you have to live with your partner is constricting of other options.

I still have some leftover resentment over having to pack up my life every weekend because my parents were separated. I absolutely hate packing now! Always majorly over pack because I’m never sure what I will need/want because I always managed to leave something behind and then be upset about! Totally irrational as an adult but no I would hate this set up!