Would you do this, if you could?

[Am1beingUnreasonable]

Indulge me if you will! Bit of a hypothetical question but really interested to hear your views. Long winded but bear with me!

Imagine you’re in a long term relationship, or married, say 10+ years. You have children with this person, for arguments sake say 2-3 all between the ages of 1 year and 8 years.

The opportunity arises for you to live in two separate households. Around a 30 minute drive between properties.

In this scenario the set up would be similar to this:

Monday-Friday the children are with you in your home. You take on all parenting and run your household as you wish. The property is entirely your own to do with as you like. Partner may come over 1-2 times per week for family dinner or to stay the odd night. During this time your partner is working from their own home. They have their home decorated / set up as the like it as do you.

Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon, you either all stay together in one household, you going there or them staying with you OR the other partner takes all the children to their house and has a weekend with them. You get to be in your own home on your own if you wish!

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well.

Just for clarity, it is as if you have a home each, both set up entirely as you would like it, your own decor/rules. If either stays at the others home they take a weekend bag with clothes and what they need, you don’t have duplicates of all you need long-term in each others home.

Soooo would you enjoy this kind of set up? Or would it be a non starter?

You presumably didn't have children together, though? Different scenario entirely if you each had children at the start of the relationship.

Yeah....how does the husband feel about being away from his kids so much??

Not with children, it isn't fair on them or the primary carer. Once the children were grown up, I would consider separate households and living together part time. Not as divided as you've put it - weekend bag and so on, but two households each primarily run by one person (if we could afford it, obviously).

All the Mon-Fri drudge of the kids, mental load, bills, shopping, while he lives a single life (with the odd bunk-up if and when he fancies) during the week, plus uprooting the kids at the weekends?

I'm struggling to think why this would be even a consideration?

If he's been offered a job 30 mins away, then he commutes. If the job comes with accommodation then say no thanks our family/home life is more important.

If it was 5 hours away, and he compressed the hours to do 4 long days and could come home late Thurs, maybe.

No, that’s not how being a family works

yes yes yes I would love it and we have a good marriage. DH works away a lot so to potentially have a whole weekend to myself would be bliss.

It also sounds like a compatibility issue. I’d rather live in a ‘badly decorated’ house with my DH than a Pinterest perfect palace without him. I was just as happy in his disgusting student flat as I am in our family home.

Compromise in things like decorating the house shouldn’t feel like a huge deal.

Fair enough

@Yumsnet

Exactly

Struggling to understand why so many women would happily put up with having the piss ripped out them.

@ffsnotagainandagain

Why can't you have a whole weekend to yourself now?

It’s really funny reading the comments because so many of you are so so far off the mark, it really is weird to read the conclusion some people will jump to. (And in such a nasty judgemental tone to boot, like you’ve cracked a case and instantly know the full story from one post? Bizarre but this is AIBU after all)

Part of me wonders why I should put all the details out there to be raked over, when almost all of you are reading into it what you want anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️ I did say it was hypothetical and we haven’t made any decisions yet.

But somehow, I’m a wildly unhappy benefits cheat on the brink of divorce who’s ruining her kids lives 🤣🤣🤣 (and my husband will be shagging randoms from mon-fri lol!)

I can only imagine these comments are a reflection of your own unhappy relationships ans huge insecurities, it certainly bears to resemblance to my situation anyway!

AIBU is clearly where intelligence and adult conversation comes to die. Dunno what else I expected but thanks lol

this is a benefits scam and I know what you're doing patty.
this is the reason we have oh so many accidental landlords.

Ah dont spit the dummy cause everyone is pointing out what a shit idea it is lol

😂

Me and my ex had 50/50 custody, I have full now, and taking the kids back and forth each week was a nightmare. I wouldn't want to be away from my husband either and split up the family.

So it's not hypothetical?

So why did you ask, if you only wanted positive responses?

Who exactly has been judgemental?

Have you only had judgemental responses? Just ignoring the others? Or is that you don’t like the majority aren’t agreeing with you so having a strop?

You're protesting far too much for someone who's totally happy with this, op...
Too many 🤣🤣🤣's at posters drawing the very obvious conclusion.

I think this might be a good idea when the children are older. But if the weekend house is rural and away from their schools and friends, then it’s likely that they would want to stay in the weekday home and that parent would never get a break. Whatever the case will will need to have duplicates of lots of stuff, because there will be lots of forgetting when packing.

If this was going to be a future event, then you could decide to have a house ‘each’ now and then decorate it how you like, if that is important to you.

If you already own both houses, you could do trial runs, or plan this when the kids are pretty much independent.

It probably really depends on your personalities, some people just enjoy more alone time from their partners.

It would have attraction for me, but I I wouldn’t want to be the 5 days a week solo parent with young children

Yet here you are op.....POSTING about your family on AIBU for all too hear about...

You are the one with issues. For most of us mumsnet is just a time wasting distraction, somewhere to fill a bit of time waiting in queues or to fill an hour or two. not a place to get thoughts and opinions about big changes in our lives!

This would make me so sad. I love hanging out with my husband. I don't want to live alone! I want to eat dinner and watch TV and chat and laugh and drink wine with my husband. I'd be sad all alone.

YANBU

Definitely not.

We don't have DC together, got together aged 40-ish and ran two separate households for near on ten years.

Each welcome to visit the other anytime. When we first got together we worked too far apart for it to be sensible to live in the same place. We both travelled a lot so managed to visit each other quite a lot.

I didn't realise how heavenly it was.

Ok it was irritating when I'd brought the wrong pair of shoes. Once forgot to bring my 'business clothes' when going straight to work on s Monday morning, visiting a client fortunately in a city centre. Went straight to a clothes shop, bought a suit (had old shoes and top which worked ok and tights). They said it was the fastest sale they had ever had of a suit

We moved in together and had a year or so of the worst arguments we had ever had. DH likes living together and refuses to go back to the old arrangement so I feel a bit trapped.

With hindsight, should have kept the separately households so you each get to have your own place the way you want it.

Is he moving in with a mistress or by himself?

It’s actually a reflection of people being happy in their relationships. I don’t hate the idea because I’d be insecure, I’d trust him completely. The reason I couldn’t do it is because I’d miss him too much. I’d miss starting my day with him, hearing him pottering around and chatting to the cat, listening to music with him, discussing the day with a glass of wine in the kitchen when we’ve had a stressful day, cuddling up to watch a film and having sex! He’s the one I want to see when I’ve had good news, bad news or seen something funny on the internet. I can’t get enough of him.

That is why some people are shocked at the idea because they wouldn’t want it. Not from insecurity, just because it would make them unhappy.

I can totally see the appeal of having a bit of alone time. But. I think it would feel lonely quite quickly. I would miss chatting about things in the evening and having someone to share the daily load with. I think I’d feel very resentful of DH just spending the evenings by himself while I wrangled the kids. I’d find it really confusing and upsetting to think he wouldn’t want to be around for bath and bedtime etc.

DH does drive me a bit batty sometimes as he can be untidy but overall having him around is better than not. I’m curious about what in your situation would be improved by your DH not being there, @Am1beingUnreasonable ? It sounds like you have a good relationship and a lovely life. Is it the idea of weekends by yourself sometimes? Surely you could achieve that just with DH taking them to the holiday home every so often?

Soooo...I would do all the homework, ferrying children to/from all the weekday activities, trying to cook dinner after a long workday, making sure they go to bed at a reasonable time, do all the lunch packing, morning routines, take them to school, take time off when one is ill - while DH gets the fun on weekends? Nah.