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Original poster

Would you do this, if you could?

374 replies

Am1beingUnreasonable · 12/10/2022 10:44

Indulge me if you will! Bit of a hypothetical question but really interested to hear your views. Long winded but bear with me!

Imagine you’re in a long term relationship, or married, say 10+ years. You have children with this person, for arguments sake say 2-3 all between the ages of 1 year and 8 years.

The opportunity arises for you to live in two separate households. Around a 30 minute drive between properties.

In this scenario the set up would be similar to this:

Monday-Friday the children are with you in your home. You take on all parenting and run your household as you wish. The property is entirely your own to do with as you like. Partner may come over 1-2 times per week for family dinner or to stay the odd night. During this time your partner is working from their own home. They have their home decorated / set up as the like it as do you.

Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon, you either all stay together in one household, you going there or them staying with you OR the other partner takes all the children to their house and has a weekend with them. You get to be in your own home on your own if you wish!

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well.

Just for clarity, it is as if you have a home each, both set up entirely as you would like it, your own decor/rules. If either stays at the others home they take a weekend bag with clothes and what they need, you don’t have duplicates of all you need long-term in each others home.

Soooo would you enjoy this kind of set up? Or would it be a non starter?

OP posts:
ChronicOverthinkr · 12/10/2022 14:57

Oh no, I’d be really sad in that scenario. I love my husband’s company in the evenings once the kids are in bed. The kids love having him there at bedtime. I’d feel less “chosen” if he wanted to live elsewhere (and I think he’d feel the same), like more of a boyfriend than a husband and like I was only there for the “highlights” rather than a whole life together. Life during the week would be significantly harder for me too as he very much pulls his weight when it comes to the kids and housework.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 12/10/2022 15:03

No that’s just bizarre. And very precious. All this stuff about “own decor” and “rules”. Part of a LTR and family is compromise and flexibility.

tranquiltortoise · 12/10/2022 15:04

It's not something I would want, but if it works for you then great.

notanothertakeaway · 12/10/2022 15:05

I know a few families where one parent works away from home mid week, and comes home at weekends. They make it work, but none of them would choose that lifestyle

To answer your question, I think a better arrangement would be to live in a large enough house that everyone has plenty of space eg two living rooms, maybe a separate cinema room, a dining room etc. That way, people can live together but not get under each other's feet

UUm · 12/10/2022 15:08

No, not with kids that young anyway. Just sounds like loads of extra work, wasted time and money unless there was a real reason behind it.

gwenneh · 12/10/2022 15:12

Not a chance. I love DH & love being near him. I would miss him! That level of separation would be intolerable.

LatteToday · 12/10/2022 15:14

This is not dissimilar to how my life works.
DH lives away Monday to Thursday for his job. I look after the kids on my own in the family home.
he comes back and spends weekends here.

it’s not ideal, and I’d rather he was here full time, but it’s necessary for his job so we put up with it. It isn’t easy.

Autumnwinterspringsummer · 12/10/2022 15:17

I dont know if youre still reading OP but will tell you my situation.

DH worked away from home Monday to Friday for the last 6 years.
He comes home one evening/night mid week.

When hes away I get some space, quiet time and the bed to myself.

I also have to be the one that gets the kids ready every morning, put them to bed at night, check their homework, organise their uniforms/sports gear each day, make them dinner, make their school lunches, take them to activities, do their washing.

It's hard going after a while.

DH is finally working closer to home starting next week and I cant wait.

3ShotsOfEspresso · 12/10/2022 15:18

Not sure about your situation, but what you are describing is basically the set-up between divorced exes....😂

You should do whatever makes you happy, but the situation you describe is that of an emotionally separated couple who don't want to admit it's time to break up.

Leaving a relationship that doesn't work with all its arguments and issues is really hard, especially with children. I think you're trying to phase out in a way that feels more palatable to you both. Which - by the way - isn't necessarily a terrible idea.

People in relationships, especially with children, often crave a bit of solitude. That's totally normal. But wanting a fully separate house, where you are apart more than you are together because it's easier, is not indicative of a relationship that is going to make it.

Good luck OP. x

FridayTheThirteeth · 12/10/2022 15:25

Poor kids it's sounds like you are divorced and they need either feel the need to divide and conquer you or try to impress either of you. Just get divorced if you want to or separate.

FridayTheThirteeth · 12/10/2022 15:26

On the other hand some people struggle to have an intimate relationship where space and things and money are shared... so if that's you then go for it

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 12/10/2022 15:30

Take yourself off to your holiday home once in a while and have a lie-in, time to yourself, etc., if that's what you need. I don't understand why you'd need or want a separate household unless you had connecting doors to his. If you have a big enough house you could have a TV room, gym/reading/whatever room to shut yourself away in when necessary, still with shared looking after the dch.

ReneBumsWombats · 12/10/2022 15:35

FridayTheThirteeth · 12/10/2022 15:26

On the other hand some people struggle to have an intimate relationship where space and things and money are shared... so if that's you then go for it

Not the best sort of relationship for having kids.

UrslaB · 12/10/2022 15:39

Family is what you make of it. What suits one 'family' may not suit another, and the idea that every family can fit into a nice neat box that societal expectations forced on them for the last hundreds of years is unrealistic.

Would I go for the arrangement OP has discussed...no. Not personally. I like the companionship of living together full time and being so enmeshed with my family. Also, financially, it just wouldn't work and I think I would resent the commute times.

However, if an arrangement works, you can afford it and all parties involved are happy then why not? The idea of a traditional relationship where partners stay in one home with kids and all live happily ever after is a nice idea but every relationship and every person is different. If you can find the most happiness for your and your kids by living an 'alternate' lifestyle arrangement, then go for it.

Coming from a more ...varied(?) LGBT community background, I have seen a range of family lifestyles over the years that lead to happy home lives and flourishing families/relationships. I have known husbands and wives who have been happily married for years but live in two separate houses at least part of the week. I have seen families where a partner works abroad and owns a house abroad. The wife and kids have their own house in home country but they spend all their holidays in the house abroad with the father. Been doing it for 16 years and a very happy family. I know a lovely couple where one partner is neurodivergent and they built a granny flat in the separate garage so they can stay in there one or two days a week and decompress when struggling. I am very good friends with a couple where one is asexual and one partner stays two nights a month with a FWB who doesn't want commitments or family stuff. All parties happy and the husband and wife have such a solid loving relationship, happy kids and been together coming up 20 years.

What brings happiness to one family and works for them will be entirely different for another family. No one should ever force an arrangement on another, or pre-judge or sneer at arrangements which work and lead to happiness...frankly its no-ones business so long as no one is being hurt.

The idea that all marriages and family life must be exactly 50/50, and must be exactly like some storybook with two parents under a roof with 2.4 kids 24/7 is kind of redundant.

Backtobacknow · 12/10/2022 15:41

Not for me, but each to their own.

Topgub · 12/10/2022 15:42

@UrslaB

Why would either parent a or parent b ve happy ?

Parent a doing all the work and parent b rarely seeing their kids and having no responsibility for them?

misskatamari · 12/10/2022 15:45

No way, it sounds shit. Why would I want to not be with the person I love and have married, and do all childcare and chores most of the time? Fuck that!! Just….no. Why would any partner agree to not living with their kids most of the week too? Just so they can have a house decorated as they like…?

Newcatbrowntail · 12/10/2022 15:49

id want the partner to do half the weekdays

washingbasketqueen · 12/10/2022 15:57

No way would I agree to this. My dh worked away for a while and dc and I hated it. Apart from missing him, if was shit carrying the full load- working ft, parenting, dog care and walks , shopping, cleaning etc. plus I like to go to the gym several times per week (as does he), but who would look after kids for me during the week, or allow me to do anything where I couldn't/ didn't want to take kids? Dh and I are a great team. I wouldn't want it any other way.

JemimaPuddledock · 12/10/2022 16:22

Yes, that’s my situation but we don’t have our own children. I have my own home and he has his. We’re happily married with completely separate finances. He has children and I don’t.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/10/2022 16:28

JemimaPuddledock · 12/10/2022 16:22

Yes, that’s my situation but we don’t have our own children. I have my own home and he has his. We’re happily married with completely separate finances. He has children and I don’t.

I can totally see the reasons why in your case, not with shared children though (2/3 under 8 as well) as in the OPs

theonlygirl · 12/10/2022 16:28

whatausername · 12/10/2022 14:06

So I'm doing all the donkey work with occasional sex involved? Fuck that.

er, no cos this and it's weird and all the packing and unpacking. madness. kids wouldn't know if they were coming or going and while they might comply with it to begin with they definitely won't as they get older. it's basically just being separated and still having sex. very odd.

JemimaPuddledock · 12/10/2022 16:30

Oh and I’ve never claimed a benefit in my life! So to all those claiming benefit fraud, utter nonsense!

Johnnysgirl · 12/10/2022 16:36

JemimaPuddledock · 12/10/2022 16:30

Oh and I’ve never claimed a benefit in my life! So to all those claiming benefit fraud, utter nonsense!

Why is it utter nonsense? You don't share children with your partner; your situation is hardly the same.

itsgonnabe · 12/10/2022 17:09

I have a set up that could be considered comparable. Have you thought about the children’s friendships as they become older and more independent and any hobbies/clubs they may become involved in? Both these aspects usually revolve require their time at the weekend. When my DC were little, they’d happily go along with what DH and I planned, but as they started to make their own plans, we had to change the arrangements as their independence had to come first.