Would you do this, if you could?

[Am1beingUnreasonable]

Indulge me if you will! Bit of a hypothetical question but really interested to hear your views. Long winded but bear with me!

Imagine you’re in a long term relationship, or married, say 10+ years. You have children with this person, for arguments sake say 2-3 all between the ages of 1 year and 8 years.

The opportunity arises for you to live in two separate households. Around a 30 minute drive between properties.

In this scenario the set up would be similar to this:

Monday-Friday the children are with you in your home. You take on all parenting and run your household as you wish. The property is entirely your own to do with as you like. Partner may come over 1-2 times per week for family dinner or to stay the odd night. During this time your partner is working from their own home. They have their home decorated / set up as the like it as do you.

Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon, you either all stay together in one household, you going there or them staying with you OR the other partner takes all the children to their house and has a weekend with them. You get to be in your own home on your own if you wish!

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well.

Just for clarity, it is as if you have a home each, both set up entirely as you would like it, your own decor/rules. If either stays at the others home they take a weekend bag with clothes and what they need, you don’t have duplicates of all you need long-term in each others home.

Soooo would you enjoy this kind of set up? Or would it be a non starter?

Out of curiosity, why did you get married?

Don't go OP!

I think this would be fantastic too. If you can afford it then I don't see any downsides at all. You could always try it and see how it goes.

TBH I know a lot of couples who don't hang out with each other much during the week anyway. Watch tv in separate rooms etc and don't do activities together.

YABU. It's weird, and confusing for the kids. You might just as well be a single parent.

@QuitWhileAhead

You dont see any downsides to your kids other parent barely seeing them snd you having all the responsibility and work while they have none?

And I can bet my bottom dollar that the bloke would start shagging around

For all of the reasons most people get married. I don’t have to live with him to love him and to want to spend the rest of my life with him.

There seems to be a lot of dreaming about doing "as you wish" and "as you like". Do you feel you can't do what you want at the moment? Is the DH controlling?

And I really struggle to do the solo parenting when DH is away, there is just so much to do, all the preparing and feeding and driving and homework nagging. Normally he does half. If you would find living alone easier, I am also guessing DH rather adds to the burden instead of taking away?

Sounds very suspiciously Iike one partner is trying to break up by stealth, and selling it to the other as some kind of great solution!

I think it's be confusing for the kids.

You also don't have to marry him to love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him. But marriage is a financial contract, so why did you do it if you wanted separate finances? Your finances are now legally joined.

I didn’t say I wanted separate finances. I said we have separate finances. It’s a complicated family and financial situation. I love the way we live as it works. I love him and I’m glad we’re married. If others judge that’s their business, my days of caring what others think are long gone.

Wow! Suicidal?! Bit extreme!

I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm certainly not "judging". Not sure what there is to "judge". I just wondered why a couple who require separate finances would marry. I guess, as you say, it's complicated.

I just wondered why a couple who require separate finances would marry

We’ve been married for 22 years with separate finances. It’s only on MN that “family money” exists.

You may have personal accounts but if you're married, your money and assets are legally joined.

It's entirely up to couples how they want to arrange themselves. It just seems odd to enter a financial contract, which is pretty much what marriage is, if you don't want to join your money.

No way. I would do it if the houses were next door or very close I guess, I do like my own space. 30 minute drive is way too far, I'd want the kids to be able to pop between houses as they choose. What you're describing is totally unfair on the kids and makes spontaneous family stuff really difficult.

I totally understand the attraction of separate homes. I would never want to live with another adult again, I wouldn't even consider it. I think it's a person of a certain mindset who considers this an essential "progression" of a relationship.

Some of the comments on here are very silly because they don't factor in that some people can love someone but still really value their own space, enjoy and need to have lots of time alone, as well as loving someone/ enjoying spending time with them. It's childish not to be able to understand that people are different and have different needs.

That said, you are living together already, so presumably decided that that did suit you, and have then gone on to have children together - who this would disrupt significantly - so I find the idea odd. Why do you both want to do this? Are you unhappy living together? Because if not, why would you cause the children this disruption and emotional confusion?

As others have said, as a lone parent I struggle to see how this setup benefits you OP: you could just go to the holiday home on your own for a weekend and leave your husband with the kids if you want a break, or get him to take them there while you stay at home alone, without moving to separate houses.

I'm intrigued to know who suggested this and for what purpose (or purported purpose).

I think it's a person of a certain mindset who considers this an essential "progression" of a relationship.

What sort of mindset is it?

God no. Why should I have to do all the school stress and running around getting to work and school, and he just gets the fun weekend time?

Someone who prefers living with others and having constant company, and assumes all other people are the same as them, and/or someone who doesn't question societal norms for relationships and feels that a relationship can't be as serious/ committed/ happy if a couple choose not to live together/ get married just because that's what they have grown up to seeing most other people do.

Wise words Starfish!

That inference is...interesting.

Thanks for answering the question.

In my opinion I would indeed only live with someone if having them there makes my life easier and more pleasant. I would consider it odd if one's husband and father of joint children does not do that, but I've read about all kinds of husbands on MN.

How can so many people afford to live alone these days?

Without top ups from benefits?

Especially if they are the ones left with kids to bring up and BOTH homes need to be big enough to accommodate said children!

• How can so many people afford to live alone these days?

Without top ups from benefits?*

That problem is, I understand, that the rich have got richer while the poor have got poorer.

This is exactly what I meant, above. Someone can make your life more pleasant without you wanting to be with them all the time. That doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with them, or with the relationship: sometimes it is just that the people involved happen to be people who like lots of time alone and their own space, as well as spending time with each other, and wouldn't want to live with anybody, no matter how perfect they are. It seems to be a lack of imagination, not understanding that other people may be different to you and have different needs. That's all.

But this is clearly not the OP's situation as they chose to live together in the first place and get married so clearly something has changed. And there are children involved who would be disrupted and confused by it, as I said in my first post. And it would leave the OP with very unequal parenting responsibilities as many have noted so my comments aren't really about her situation (sorry OP for the sidetrack).

I was just making a general point regarding the posters who say they cannot understand why anybody would ever want to live separately from their partner if they "actually like them". That's very narrow minded.