Would you do this, if you could?

[Am1beingUnreasonable]

Indulge me if you will! Bit of a hypothetical question but really interested to hear your views. Long winded but bear with me!

Imagine you’re in a long term relationship, or married, say 10+ years. You have children with this person, for arguments sake say 2-3 all between the ages of 1 year and 8 years.

The opportunity arises for you to live in two separate households. Around a 30 minute drive between properties.

In this scenario the set up would be similar to this:

Monday-Friday the children are with you in your home. You take on all parenting and run your household as you wish. The property is entirely your own to do with as you like. Partner may come over 1-2 times per week for family dinner or to stay the odd night. During this time your partner is working from their own home. They have their home decorated / set up as the like it as do you.

Friday afternoon - Sunday afternoon, you either all stay together in one household, you going there or them staying with you OR the other partner takes all the children to their house and has a weekend with them. You get to be in your own home on your own if you wish!

In this scenario, you’re happy in your relationship, no issues or arguments and you get on very well.

Just for clarity, it is as if you have a home each, both set up entirely as you would like it, your own decor/rules. If either stays at the others home they take a weekend bag with clothes and what they need, you don’t have duplicates of all you need long-term in each others home.

Soooo would you enjoy this kind of set up? Or would it be a non starter?

Like many self-supporting lone parents do I guess. Work incredibly hard at qualifications and promotions in a well-chosen industry for many years to create financial stability for yourself. You are right - as a single person it is much, much harder. Particularly as our tax system penalises single parents so much by setting thresholds on an individual basis so that they are taxed more two adult household with the same earnings.

And they lose child benefit and tax free childcare etc at a much lower household income level as well. It's not easy at all and many simple measures could be taken by a fair Government to make it better, but we don't have one of those.

*penalises single people

not just single parents. Although it's obviously even harder financially if you're a parent as well.

In terms of single parents, it's part of the whole misogynistic campaign against women, because 95% of single/ lone parents happen to be women and surprise surprise the tax system screws them over. I wish I was surprised. But I'm not.

So why are people actively choosing that option @StarfishBrain ?

Currently in a situation where this could be a possibility for us and I was quite excited about having my own space and not having to do his washing

Or ... you could stay put, accrue a rental income from the fully owned 2nd property, & ... not do your husband's washing?

No. My dsis tried something like this. Then they realised what they actually needed was a divorce.

Actively choosing which option?

I don't think many women are choosing to be single parents, for all of the reasons above.

In a relationship with just two people some people choose to live apart because that makes them happiest, despite it costing them more. But in a situation without children that's a reasonable, deliberate choice to make - if you can afford it - if it makes the adults happier. It doesn't affect anybody else.

But regardless it's wrong that households with a single adult are taxed more on the same income, and that should be changed. It is the cause of a great deal of poverty in cases where it isn't a choice: single adults make up the highest proportion of households in poverty, and many of those are single parent households who didn't choose that. Those people are already doing the work of two people so to be taxed more as well is a disgrace, and is one of the easiest things to fix if people care about child poverty.

Surely it's obvious that those situations are entirely different that two single adults who can afford two homes and are in a relationship choosing not to cohabit because it doesn't suit their needs?

Plenty on this thread agree it's an option they have either experienced or would want to

Guessing they haven't thought it through....like the op clearly hasn't. I was a lone parent myself. I struggled. Why choose that option?

@ThatGirlInACountrySong

No one has explained why they think its a great idea

I see a few reasons why it would be a good idea, they seem weak

Eat what they want
Decor the way they want
Don't have his washing too do

*reasons given

This is totally ridiculous and would be a massive head-f**k for the kids. It's baffles me how you think this would be ok

No more of a head fuck than having divorced parents. Kids are resilient.

@ThatGirlInACountrySong

Nah.

You can do all that and still love together

This sounds no different to families where one parent lives away for work during the week, which is relatively common, I know a family who do it. And at the weekends that parent would come home or sometimes the family would go to the parent. It makes sense to me - but if you’re only half an hour apart from each other I’m not sure why you’d do it. Does it knock the commute off? but of course it won’t mess the kids up - especially if it’s only half an hour away and you can be flexible about it all eg if they have a party. And as long as it doesn’t mean you won’t let the children join a sports team etc at the weekends to allow this setup.

my real question is why you have a holiday home 30 mins drive away!

Friends of mine did exactly this, except the husband did Mon-Fri, she was the main breadwinner.

Anyway within 2 years she'd met someone else and they divorced. The sons moved away for university and they now live on four different places.

I think it's a terrible idea and told them that at the time too.

Why don't you just each spend a weekend occasionally on your own in the holiday home (why would you want or have a holiday home 30mins away?). Then you get your own space occasionally. I don't understand any other motive that wanting a bit of space?

I have. 🤷🏻‍♀️ In certain circumstances though, which are very different to the OP's.

Reasons people may choose to live apart include any or a combination of:

• they enjoy or need a lot of time on their own, and so does their partner
• they both have the finances to fund this with no real detriment to standard of living so there is no imperative to cohabit with all of the mundanity and lack of romance that can bring
• they live/ work far apart and neither want to move
• they both really value complete financial independence and finances not being entangled into a relationship - a key cause of relationship breakdown or people being "stuck" in unhappy relationships
• having grown up children and wanting to keep their childhood home for them/ grandchildren to visit
• having young children from a previous relationship and not wishing to push the "blended family" thing on them and disrupt their lives/ cause them further confusion, and keep clear boundaries between their family and their new relationship
• simply loving their home and being used to living alone Etc

Prerequisites for it working seem to be (in my opinion):

• not having joint children of dependent age
• having mutual trust and both being very secure people who aren't emotionally needy

Most of this, as I said previously, does not apply to the OP's situation - particularly that they have joint children living at home who it would likely disrupt, and that they are clearly not people who naturally dislike the idea of living together having got married and moved in together in the first place! But again, it's very odd (or perhaps deliberately obtuse) to not understand why this type of setup may suit people even if it doesn't suit you. People are different.

No more of a head fuck than having divorced parents. Kids are resilient.

This is also a ridiculous comment. Studies consistently show that divorce/ separation itself does not damage long-term outcomes for children. The damage only arrives if the parents have an acrimonious relationship and don't co-parent properly. So please stop spouting stuff like this that has been thoroughly debunked.

Kids are quite resilient. After they grow up, less so.

@StarfishBrain

None of that is the actual op though

So, no. You haven't answered.

Even your last paragraph details why it (the op) isn't a great idea

I've said all along it seems a bad idea in the OP's situation.

What I've responded to is posters saying they can't comprehend why people would want to live apart in any circumstances.

Just get a divorce ffs

@StarfishBrain

That wasn't what I asked though

Sorry if I wasn't clear

I meant the exact situation in the op.

Lots have said they'd love it, bliss etc

None have explained why

Ah I see! I misunderstood.

In that case I agree entirely. In the OP's situation I think she'd be bonkers to agree and have no idea why she would. I am a lone parent and I've no idea why anyone would sign up for all the rubbish parts of that but none of the good parts!