To think there’s nothing wrong with quiet children?

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

Just had my parents evening for DD (9).

I was told “She’s very quiet” and they want her to speak up and raise her hand more. Very much spoke about ‘being quiet’ like it’s a bad thing.

It pisses me off because what exactly is wrong with not being some ostentatious gobshite of a child? She is far from shy - she will stick up for herself, place her own order in a restaurant etc. but she isn’t loud and doesn’t say things unless there’s a need to say them. There are a lot of overconfident kids in her class and she doesn’t wanna be like that. She’s been the same since she was a toddler. She’s very aloof and much more one to stand back and observe rather than pile on. She doesn’t get it from me, I’m an extrovert, but I’d never expect her to be the same as me so I encourage her to go the flow.

AIBU to get really pissed off when people describe quiet people in a negative way, like it’s a flaw?

I did say i don’t see what wrong with being quiet it’s who she is and I don’t think she needs to change, the teacher practically recoiled in horror 🙄

I got this all the time when growing up. Being quiet is always seen as a defect.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being quiet. I do think there is a big gap between a quiet child and "some ostentatious gobshite of a child!".

It’s like how introverts are always treated as if they should be something different.

Explain to the teacher that she's just thinking about what she wants to say rather than just blurting out the first thought that enters her head. It's the teacher's job to ensure that the super-confident kids don't dominate. It's not your child's job to change to suit the teacher!!

I was a quiet child (and am a quiet adult too).

The issue that a lot of my teachers brought up was that I would never ask for help with anything despite needing it.

Isn't answering questions in class discussions part of how teachers assess progress? In which case I guess quiet kids are at a disadvantage?

I don't think there's anything wrong with being quiet though.

This was me when younger. My mum used to tell people I was a loner but really I enjoyed my own company.

Found my voice when I went to uni but I still like my own company.

She's fine. Ignore them.

I had the same every parents evening for my daughter - now at uni and a very confident young woman. I'm quiet too - it used to drive me insane and I'd challenge each time, but it made no difference!

I got this all the time as a child and now I am in the workplace all my personality assessment type things concur that it is just who I am. Theres no right or wrong is being who you are.

Sometimes I think it’s because it’s easier for teachers to engage with more outgoing children and assess their learning, whereas many quiet children slip under the radar and are often underestimated.

I work in primary. I love quiet chn! 😁
So long as she can ask for help and contribute when asked, don’t worry.

I had this with my son throughout primary. Started as a criticism of him, in early secondary moved to a weird "he has value to add to class discussion, we can see that when he speaks he adds value to class discussion, he should do it more for everyone's benefit" (strange sort of pressure), now he's nearly at the end of secondary being quiet is seen as fine, they seem to have taken a "live and let live" approach. Frankly as long as your child is doing OK in class, seems reasonably happy etc.. ignore them. hate the cookie cutter approach to children.

Nothing wrong with being quiet. But ‘ostentatious gobshite’ is not the opposite of quiet.

The teacher wants a child that contributes and puts their hand up.

It pisses me off because what exactly is wrong with not being some ostentatious gobshite of a child?

Yes, because that's exactly what her teacher wants her to be 🙄

Our school seem to have changed their approach to this and we noticed during one parents evening as every teacher had stopped saying she needs to put her hand up more and one teacher explained they are now doing ‘cold calling’ so just randomly selecting names instead of a show of hands if you know the answer. This is better for my DD (14) as she’s bright, usually knows the answer but is incredibly shy. There’s nothing wrong with being quiet but I do think it can hold you back in life and we do try and encourage our DD but we can’t change who she is. Both her dad and I are quite extrovert and so is our DS (older). We hope as she continues through her education she will grow in confidence as she does well in exams etc

Teachers can want all they like, chn are their own people. It’s up to the teacher to learn what works with each child. Some take longer to feel confident.

Yes @Darbs76 most teachers use name sticks pulled out randomly or I often ask the chn without their hand up.

My DH and his dad are quiet, very observant people. I'm pretty sure my DS2 is going to be the same as he is the opposite in nature to his loudmouth brother. However my DH is no wallflower and will win any argument because he listens rather than speaking out of turn. My DS is a bit the same, he definitely keeps his elder brother in check and doesn't take any nonsense. I don't think being quiet us a bad thing and wish I was quieter sometimes.

Hrm. Sometimes there can be something wrong with quiet children. I myself was a very quiet child and I treasured my quietness as a way of keeping myself safe from my aggressive violent father. I wouldn't have told anyone because I was so overwhelmed that it was easier not to have a voice. I doubt this is unusual. I hope schools look out for such more now.

I wonder if your DD is picking up on your distaste for children who aren't quiet? If teachers have noted that her behaviour is unusual in comparison to her peers it may be worth you exploring.

Hello. I am a teacher and I think children are quiet for different reasons. I sometimes tell parents that their child is obviously nervous of speaking in front of the class but that I will try to encourage them because I am sure that they have a lot to offer to discussions. Sometimes children just can't be bothered to participate in which case I would also tell the parents to encourage them. Finally though, I often tell parents that their child is just someone who speaks when they feel that they need to. They make choices when to participate. That, for me, is a different matter. Some teachers might have trouble assessing if the child doesn't speak though...

It is not a flaw in a person, or a terrible way to be in life. But this is different. The teacher wants her to be actively involved in the class, this will help her learning, because she'll retain the information better, because she'll be more involved, and it will allow them to know when she has understood a point. So YABU, because in an educational context, this is a reasonable comment.

I was very shy and quiet as a child and I always dreaded parents evening as my mum would come home and tell me I was too quiet. My shyness was also interpreted as 'miserable' and 'ignorant'.

Thankfully my DC's teachers have always been quite positive about their quietness, and never made it out to be a problem (which it isn't!). The only thing I have noticed though is they've never got any of the end of year awards despite doing well academically, and I do think this is because they slip under the radar a bit (and certain louder children seem to get them every year )

It's obviously not that not being an 'ostentatious gobshite' is a problem.

It's as you've put it, so obviously been told - raise hand and speak out.

Having and expressing an opinion is important.

Showing what you know in a lesson matters, so that the teacher can adapt accordingly.

I think it’s a balance. My ds was always put under pressure from school to stop being shy, which I think is wrong, but at the same time being quiet can hold you back. It’s important to give these kids the message that quiet is fine, as long as it doesn’t become opting out of class/discussion/socialising/life. Same as loud is fine, as long as you don’t become the gobshite :)

You're being equally rude about the louder kids though and acting as if there's something wrong with them!
But yes, I agree. There's nothing wrong with being quiet and it shouldn't be raised as if it's a problem. It's a personality trait. I've always been quiet and I can't change how I am. I resent it when people think I need to change and be more outgoing.

A quiet nature may go along with various positive qualities and skills. It might suit a quiet person to work independently and with no interruptions, or to work with one patient/student/client at a time. Some jobs need this type of person, where other workplaces need those who find energy in company, teamwork and bouncing ideas off others. It's a shame if everyone is expected to conform to some 'bubbly' ideal.