To think there’s nothing wrong with quiet children?

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

Just had my parents evening for DD (9).

I was told “She’s very quiet” and they want her to speak up and raise her hand more. Very much spoke about ‘being quiet’ like it’s a bad thing.

It pisses me off because what exactly is wrong with not being some ostentatious gobshite of a child? She is far from shy - she will stick up for herself, place her own order in a restaurant etc. but she isn’t loud and doesn’t say things unless there’s a need to say them. There are a lot of overconfident kids in her class and she doesn’t wanna be like that. She’s been the same since she was a toddler. She’s very aloof and much more one to stand back and observe rather than pile on. She doesn’t get it from me, I’m an extrovert, but I’d never expect her to be the same as me so I encourage her to go the flow.

AIBU to get really pissed off when people describe quiet people in a negative way, like it’s a flaw?

I did say i don’t see what wrong with being quiet it’s who she is and I don’t think she needs to change, the teacher practically recoiled in horror 🙄

From a teacher point of view it's easy to overlook the quiet ones, it's can also be an issue with children too shy to ask for help.

One way I have used it 'traffic lights' either with the whole class or just the odd quiet student.

For the whole class I get them to make a sort of toblerone shape with green, yellow and red sides (also written on in case of colour blindness).

If I'm seeing green then the students are fine and understand what's happening, yellow they need more explanation and red for 'help'.

It can be done more covertly with coloured pens.

Why do you think being "loud and a gobshite" would be considered a good thing? Have you ever heard a teacher say that?

The teacher is feeding back to you that your dd contributes very little to class discussions. If you want to make her reticence to open her mouth a virtue, go for it. If you want to characterise children who do occasionally open their mouths, give an opinion, express an idea, get enthused about a lesson as "gobshites" that says far more about you than either the teacher or them.

For me, this is just another reason why class sizes of 30 are failing many children.

In what situation is an adult expected to participate in a discussion of 30 people? In many careers you can be highly successful without ever having to participate in large group discussions.

Out of my kids friends I much prefer the ones who chat

In many careers you can be highly successful without having any knowledge of art, or science or geography. The point of school is to teach a wide range of skills and knowledge to equip children for whichever career they choose. You have no idea of whether the OPS dd will need to participate in group discussions in later life and neither does the OP. I've ended up in a job where I do it all the time and I'm a zoologist, a career I embarked on because I like animals and didn't particularly want to speak to anybody.

Interesting @Untitledsquatboulder , not to derail but my quiet but calmly confident dd would like to be a Zoologist. Do you like your job?

I’m saying you should be glad she’s taking an interest in your child’s specific personality and noticing where she needs support in class. She has noted that she’s a quiet girl who can’t or won’t join class discussion, and is thinking about how to support her with that.

And no, you didn’t say all other children were ostentatious gobshites, but you suggested she was better quiet than an ostentatious gobshites, ignoring the massive gap between those two descriptions, populated by children who can be quiet at silent work time and can participate in class discussion.

I know it feels weird to accept hearing something that feels like a flaw about your child but that’s the point of parent teacher meetings. I guarantee she will not have sat in front of one parent and said ‘oh Jess? No she’s perfect. She shouldn’t work on anything, perfect in every way, no further learning required.’ If she did she wouldn’t be a very good teacher.

@FrenchPlatypus love it, no regrets at all. But most zoologist aren't hands on with animals, we study them, survey them or (in my case) manage land for wildlife. So if she wants to be literally hands on then zoology may not be the right choice iyswim?

I was a quiet child, partly because - I now realise - I needed help with social skills. Teachers complaining to my parents that I was quiet every parents evening did not provide that help, not least because they are also quiet people. In my case by secondary school they were asking me to speak more in class because I was a bookworm who often knew the answers but then completely failing to protect me from the bullying that was a direct consequence of sticking my head above the parapet. If I sound bitter it's because I am - stop treating quiet children like they're being difficult and start dealing with the reasons they're quiet!

That Susan Cain book changed my life. I wish it had existed when I was 13.

I’m a gobshite but have two very quiet children and it’s such a worry to me. I know deep down they are fine but I do suffer terribly with anxiety about them being desperately unhappy because the only time I myself am quiet is when I’m depressed.

There is nothing wrong with being quiet but being perceived as "very aloof" is potentially going to hinder socially as she goes to secondary

My son is a quiet, gentle child and always has been. He is slowly building his confidence, and school and sport have both played important roles in doing that. But I always tell teachers at parents evening that he is who he is and I would never want to change that. He is very bright, has friends, and is a genuinely lovely kid. Being quiet doesn’t equal being a loner or that there’s something “wrong”.

Someone upthread said it’s the teacher’s job to make sure the louder children don’t dominate - exactly this. Yes the quieter children do need to learn the skills to speak up when it’s appropriate to do so, but the louder children need to learn the skills to shut up and know when it’s time to let others speak. That’s an equally important life lesson.

It sounds like your daughter is doing just fine.

Similar to me. But I was quiet because I'd been abused. No one went any further with me to check if there was something underlying. Not that I'm saying this is the case with the OP's DC of course, but maybe in some cases & perhaps there's a way to check it out so people don't end with decades of mental distress.

I was a quiet child of a quiet parent. I am now the quiet parent of my own quiet child. We are all happy, well adjusted, successful people!

Nothing wrong with being quiet if you have nothing to say.

But if the class is asked a question and she has nothing to say it's an indication she doesn't know the answers. Which is worrying.

Teachers will encourage children to put hands up and answer questions and will also tell the parents of the louder outgoing kids the same if they don't out their hand up to answer.

Being able to speak up is a good skill to have.

YABU

She isn’t just quiet

She isn’t participating in class enough, that’s the issue here

maybe you can take this for what it is, a teacher giving good feedback on how your child could improve in class.

Oh FGS I didn’t say that any non-quiet children are ostentatious gobshites. My point was that being described as ‘quiet’ is clearly a criticism to many, and if she was loud and a gobshite, it would be considered a good thing and I don’t know why.

But that's not true at all. Being loud and a gobshite is not considered a good thing by teachers. Participating and contributing are though. Not the same thing at all.

Why would she ‘sit back and ignore my daughter’? Are you saying I should be glad the teacher isn’t a really shit teacher?

The poster very obviously meant that the teacher could just ignore the fact that your daughter is quiet and allow her to just not contribute or respond. Do you think that would make her a shit teacher? What do you actually want the teacher to do then? You don't want her to comment to you that your daughter is quiet, or try to get her to be less quiet (because being quiet is a good thing) but you also don't want her to ignore your daughter's quietness?

There was nothing remotely resembling humour in your post referring to children as such.Clearly I’m not the only one who bought that either.

In what situation is an adult expected to participate in a discussion of 30 people?

Well, just in the last month, for me

• work
• a meeting of something I volunteer with
• a meeting of something else I volunteer with
• a training course I was on
• a Church meeting
• a training course I was delivering.

I mean, that is just in the last 5 weeks.

Now, not everyone will have encountered as many, but when a child is at school, no-one knows what opportunities will offer themselves to them once they are adults. By encouraging that child to challenge themselves a little, the teacher could make the world of difference.

The other point is, it isn't a 'criticism' of the child.
A parents evening should always consist of

• what the child does well
• what the child could do better

That applies if the child is a mensa member or if they have learning difficulties or the whole range in between.

Schools are often keen to label kids. The private school we were at for a while when relocating back to UK from abroad was really bad at this. They had some sort of ideal student - sporty, not too bright, able bodied, not sensitive and they also used to say he needed to ‘aim to be more compliant’. Honestly, who in their right minds wants a sheep. Vive La difference!

I have a loud son and a quiet daughter. She's very self contained. She doesn't raise her hand much. But I can see from the teachers point of view - they want to make sure she is 'getting it'. Plus they may think she has something interesting to contribute. Part of grades are in class participation.
My son was loud and gobby. I got as much complaints about that as I do about my daughter being quiet.

So you have the kind of job where you deliver training and you do lots of volunteering that requires you to attend and speak up at large meetings....ergo all children need these skills?

You missed my point entirely, that I know many introverted people in successful careers that are never required to do this.

Maybe your school should have focused on helping you to be more imaginative and creative so that you are able to envisage that everyone needs to be exactly like you.

@Gruffling what a stupid post. Not being able to voice your opinion in a group of more than 6 would be limiting in many careers and being introverted doesn't mean you can't do it anyway. Being an introvert doesn't mean you are only happy sitting in a corner by yourself.

Honestly, I've seen so many women's careers blighted because they just lack the self confidence to address a group its depressing. And it's also perfectly possible to overcome with practise for the vast majority of people.

Nowt wrong with being quiet my 6 year is a chatter box. There is a big diff between quiet and a gobshite though!!
Is your daughter shy? Maybe the teacher feels she lacks confidence and is trying to encourage her? I get that some people are very confident but dont shout it from the roof tops.

Where did you get 6 from?

OP is talking about a child speaking out in a state school, where class sizes are 30.

And as for the women with the blighted careers - if they are really that introverted that this one aspect of their work is blighting their careers, then perhaps a career change is needed.