To think there’s nothing wrong with quiet children?

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

Just had my parents evening for DD (9).

I was told “She’s very quiet” and they want her to speak up and raise her hand more. Very much spoke about ‘being quiet’ like it’s a bad thing.

It pisses me off because what exactly is wrong with not being some ostentatious gobshite of a child? She is far from shy - she will stick up for herself, place her own order in a restaurant etc. but she isn’t loud and doesn’t say things unless there’s a need to say them. There are a lot of overconfident kids in her class and she doesn’t wanna be like that. She’s been the same since she was a toddler. She’s very aloof and much more one to stand back and observe rather than pile on. She doesn’t get it from me, I’m an extrovert, but I’d never expect her to be the same as me so I encourage her to go the flow.

AIBU to get really pissed off when people describe quiet people in a negative way, like it’s a flaw?

I did say i don’t see what wrong with being quiet it’s who she is and I don’t think she needs to change, the teacher practically recoiled in horror 🙄

I wish more children were quiet!

Dd1 was like this. Finally in year 6 she got an amazing teacher who said “she doesn’t say much but when she does everyone listens because it’s always something of interest”.

It depends whether a child is naturally quiet or quiet as a result of nervousness. Quietly confident children who know who they are are very different from "shy extroverts" who could do with a bit of help and encouragement.

Quiet - (the power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking), by Susan Cain is a good book on this topic It includes a chapter for teachers.

I think it depends. My children are all relatively quiet and struggle to put themselves forward, which isn’t so great.
I remember one teacher once getting middle child totally wrong, saying he was quietly confident when actually he was really scared of her. So that’s the opposite to yours I guess.

I do agree that ‘quiet’ shouldn’t be used like it’s a personality defect though.

Defeats the object of having her own personality.

This

I’m a teacher and was also a ‘quiet’ child. I definitely avoid that term, it really isn’t nice to be referred to in that way as a negative. There’s nothing wrong with being quiet - many children are quietly confident, but some are quiet just because they don’t feel able to speak or lack confidence. The hand up thing I would always encourage as I suppose it’s a confidence boost and an important aspect of whole class learning - it is a shame when children don’t feel secure enough to share their ideas. It’s always great to see someone come out of their shell in that way because you can see they actually feel very good about themselves when they’ve plucked up the courage to put their hand up!

It pisses me off because what exactly is wrong with not being some ostentatious gobshite of a child

There is a middle ground. That comment was unnecessarily nasty towards more vocal children.

I'd guess she knows what your DD is capable of and what she can offer to a conversation so wants to encourage your DD to talk up for that reason? Especially as you sat she isn't shy

YABU , she needs to answer questions in class. Just like the over enthusiastic ones need to give others a chance to join in.

Had (and still have) the exact same with my child. Feeling like saying to teachers that they all can't be the class clown. Absolutely nothing wrong with being quite.

It pisses me off because what exactly is wrong with not being some ostentatious gobshite of a child?

Sounds like you have already decided that being quiet is better. Not being overly quiet doesn’t mean the child has to be an ostentatious gobsite. You’re just being a dick now.

There is also a difference between a quiet child and one who is totally disengaged with group activities in class and won’t actively participate. It sounds like the teacher is just trying to broach the subject with you so you can both work on building her confidence in school more so she takes part.

One of the many, many sticks to beat teachers in observations was when a kid wouldn't speak in a lesson. Having grown up with my mum's stories of being painfully shy, I always hated having to try and make them all talk. I get that not speaking doesn't mean not engaged.

I was that kid bouncing in her seat, desperate to answer.

Society is not made for introverts. They are seen as something that must be fixed.

I agree. We had this with DD1. Like you, I said to teachers how wonderful it that there’s a variety of personalities 😜
And you know what, when she was ready she learned what her own limits were and matured at her own rate.

This is an excellent book, my daughters dad read it and I keep meaning to read it as our daughter is an introvert. As both parents are extroverts we wanted to understand it a bit more so do recommend it

It also depends what culture and period of history you're born in, as to what the societal ideal might be. In some eras and places, being discreet, meditative, sensitive, poetic, individually creative, thoughtful and calm are valued as qualities.

I would also say that often the issue is with the teacher in making the classroom feel like a safe place to speak up. My DS is a gob shite in some classes and wouldn't say a word in others depending on how safe he feels speaking up in that particular class.

I think the teacher needs to find a better way to include everyone in lessons and not rely on the same few who willingly put hands up for everything. I seems to remember DCs had a teacher who had a jar of lolly sticks with everyones names and she would randomly draw names for answers or to appoint a group leader etc. to avoid the same few being picked. Also if being quiet is the only negative thing the teacher can think to say your DD is not doing badly. But really the teacher should think of a better way to convey that she would like her to participate a bit more.

Being an introvert doesn't mean not participating in class.

And there's a lot of clear water between being an "ostentatious gobshite" and sitting there like a bump on a log.

No it isn't a bad thing but developing the confidence to participate in class is a good thing and will help her in the future. You are over reacting to a reasonable bit of feedback.

I used to get this all the time for both my boys, Ds 1 is now in university, studying software engineering and smashed all his A levels and GCSEs.
Ds2 is in year 10 and has had multiple stars of the week in multiple subjects already this year.
I always found that the more experienced teachers said their quietness wasn't a problem, it was always the more inexperienced teachers who bring up their quietness/ shyness.

Some people speak because they have something to say, some people speak because they have to say something.

I totally agree with you OP, buy the teacher the book 'quiet' as a little gift 😀.

The teacher is BU for expecting/allowing 'hands-up'. Far better for the teacher to choose children to answer questions, either deliberately or randomly, and tailor the question to the ability of the child.
Teacher needs more training.

I’m a quiet person because I’m shy. I’m not quiet in front of my family but I was quiet in school and college. I wish my mum hadn’t just assumed that I was fine and had helped me to feel more confident when at school x