To think there’s nothing wrong with quiet children?

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

Just had my parents evening for DD (9).

I was told “She’s very quiet” and they want her to speak up and raise her hand more. Very much spoke about ‘being quiet’ like it’s a bad thing.

It pisses me off because what exactly is wrong with not being some ostentatious gobshite of a child? She is far from shy - she will stick up for herself, place her own order in a restaurant etc. but she isn’t loud and doesn’t say things unless there’s a need to say them. There are a lot of overconfident kids in her class and she doesn’t wanna be like that. She’s been the same since she was a toddler. She’s very aloof and much more one to stand back and observe rather than pile on. She doesn’t get it from me, I’m an extrovert, but I’d never expect her to be the same as me so I encourage her to go the flow.

AIBU to get really pissed off when people describe quiet people in a negative way, like it’s a flaw?

I did say i don’t see what wrong with being quiet it’s who she is and I don’t think she needs to change, the teacher practically recoiled in horror 🙄

I had this all the time when growing up, also my now adult ds. My dd who is still in school is chatty and always being told off for talking, you can't win!

It pisses me off because what exactly is wrong with not being some ostentatious gobshite of a child.

Theres absolutely nothing wrong with being quiet but this vehemently nasty remark about children who are more extrovert or outgoing makes me suspect that you are communicating, deliberately or otherwise, the idea to your children that it’s bad form to have and display opinions.

Its a shockingly unpleasant phrase to use about children.

Do you think children who assert themselves are “gobshites”? Because that may be rubbing off on your DC and that’s not great.

I absolutely agree that quiet children should not be made to feel that they have a character defect but that works both ways. There’s nothing wrong with articulate or talkative children either.

FWIW, my DS is definitely an ostentatious gobshite 🤣 not sure why people are getting so upset with that term.

But that’s the whole point - children are constantly forced to operate outside their comfort level. And it’s that which leads to anxiety! Being on edge and nervous isn’t exactly conducive to optimal learning.

of course everyone benefits from being gently challenged, but that’s not really what’s happening because there simply isnt sufficient resources. Schools regularly still use the lollipop stick system to pick on pupils for cold answers etc. Children are forced out of their comfort zones and just expected to get on with it because the rest of the class don’t find it a problem etc etc.

Being quiet doesn’t mean you always have anxiety either. The notion that you must be riddled with anxiety all of the time and be shit at life if you’re an introvert really is insulting. Sure, if you’re an introvert certain situations may make you feel very uncomfortable but that’s not going to change no matter how many people insist you just need to learn to manage it better. There is more than one way to be a perfectly functional human being and there’s nothing wrong with being introverted as long as you can communicate in smaller groups, 1:1 etc.

Dear for pardon me for trying to inject a little humour 🙄 you used to be able to do this on MN.

That comment has really touched a nerve with some people

She will ask for help if needed but she won’t be at the forefront or a leader of a discussion. She’s happy to be a wallflower and only give her answer/opinion when asked.

But being nervous and anxious is not the same as being quiet and observational.

Being quiet doesn’t mean you always have anxiety either. The notion that you must be riddled with anxiety all of the time and be shit at life if you’re an introvert really is insulting

Completely agree. And I say this as an extrovert (and self confessed gobshite), introverts are really sold down the river and pegged with all sorts of things, it is bloody insulting

I was a quiet child, I’m a quiet softly spoken woman now.
I hated having to speak out in class, never put my hand up voluntarily.
I was quiet so as not to draw attention to myself. I stammered you see, I still do although nowhere near as bad as back then.
One of my daughters is like me but without the stammer. So is her 7 year daughter. She’s not particularly quiet at home but she can be shy around people she doesn’t know, she does eventually engage with them once she’s weighed them up.
Being quiet hasn’t done either of us any harm or held us back. We can make ourselves heard or get our point across as well as any one else.

I mean you’ve got upset with the teacher suggesting your child is quiet. If you don’t like her being labeled as ‘quiet’ for not participating in class discussion it’s hardly surprising that people are pointing out it’s worse to be referring to the children who do participate as ‘ostentatious gobshites.’

And it seems pretty clear the teacher wasn’t looking to insult your daughter - but a teacher will notice and seek to support a child who doesn’t or can’t join in class discussions confidently. If anything it is good thing - she could just as easily sit back and ignore your daughter.

I was a quiet (not shy) child, as one teacher very firmly pointed out to my mum in high school.

I spoke when needed & my parents were often told, 'we can see she has a lot to offer, we'd like to see more of that'. However, I still only spoke when asked a question or whether I had a particular interest in a subject.

Now I have a lot more confidence & work in a role where I need to speak alot!

My daughter's are the same, often told 'how polite they are but quiet. They wish they could hear more from them.'

They are both happy at school & know when they can speak up to show their knowledge/interest in a subject and I think based on their personalities ( similar but different too - does that make sense?), they will do fab in whatever they choose to do!

Try not to worry OP, teachers want the best for all their children and based on experience of having two go through primary school, they will just want to make sure that your child is not going to lose out being a smaller voice within a crowd.

Quieter children can get lost in the midst of louder children but good teachers will draw the skills of younger children out.

This touched a nerve...I was an A* student but throughout secondary, college and uni I was criticised for being quiet.

One teacher even told my parents I was arrogant because I didn't engage with her class ( I had consistent A grades in her class for my work but she would verbally shred anyone who didn't answer perfectly so I protected myself by never volunteering to answer).

I have always been naturally shy but the compound shame I have been made to feel for being that way makes me really angry now I'm pushing middle age. I was always good, well behaved, compliant and well qualified but still made to feel like a useless shit because I wasn't a hands-up leader.

I think it's inseparable from sex too. Women in work have the worst of all worlds...you're a shy, retiring wallflower who needs to grow a backbone and when you do you're an obnoxious bitch who should know her place.

Why my brain put younger instead of quieter...I'll never know! Sorry about that.

Putting aside the unnecessary hostility to kids that do speak up, I do think that there is something quite cheeky about simultaneously not wanted to participate/contribute in classes whilst feeling entitled to criticize those who do.

How about having a little think about how that might come across to other people.

Also used to get this all the time as a child and still now as an adult.
It's always made me feel like I am lacking somehow and not as good as louder and more confident people. 😔

But being nervous and anxious is not the same as being quiet and observational.

I agree. I was replying to a pp who was saying pupils shouldn't be asked to do things if they aren't comfortable with some aspect of it.

I was a very quiet and anxious child. My anxiety got me out of giving presentations throughout school, college and uni etc.
Now, in my 40s, I can not find the courage to stand up in front of anyone. I cant even get up for a piss in front of the people in the support groups I attend.
Maybe, if my teachers and parents had made the effort with me, I would not be a useless wreck now.

That’s such a bad idea. Basically telling people that “comfort” is the most important thing? And that being asked to go outside their comfort zone is unreasonable.
Daft!

I'd say that a being quiet, being thoughtful and more considered before expressing opinions might not be a bad thing.

There are two kinds of quiet child. One is the kid who prefers to be a listener rather than muscle in with what is going on, but is still actively engaged, and the other is the one gawping out the window, in their own world, disengaged. Provided your kid falls into the first camp, she is absolutely fine!

I wish my child were "quiet", he's got ADHD and natters/talks non stop ..like you can tell he just likes making noise, sometimes it not been words, just random sounds like going "bop, bop,bop" over and over again 😂

I don't see an issue at all with being quiet, we all couldn't be loud the world would be a deafening place!

That’s just a passive aggressive control mechanism isn’t it?

It’s the #BeKind friendly version of “Better to be thought a fool, than open one’s mouth and leave no doubt.” More considered is obviously being weaponised, and that’s not for the kids benefit is it?
Don’t forget we’re talking about children, many of whom learn best using the socratic method… a form of teacher guided more consideration if you will.

Was your comment meant in the mean spirited and nasty way it’s being perceived as?

Oh FGS I didn’t say that any non-quiet children are ostentatious gobshites. My point was that being described as ‘quiet’ is clearly a criticism to many, and if she was loud and a gobshite, it would be considered a good thing and I don’t know why.

Why would she ‘sit back and ignore my daughter’? Are you saying I should be glad the teacher isn’t a really shit teacher?