To think there’s nothing wrong with quiet children?

[LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet]

Just had my parents evening for DD (9).

I was told “She’s very quiet” and they want her to speak up and raise her hand more. Very much spoke about ‘being quiet’ like it’s a bad thing.

It pisses me off because what exactly is wrong with not being some ostentatious gobshite of a child? She is far from shy - she will stick up for herself, place her own order in a restaurant etc. but she isn’t loud and doesn’t say things unless there’s a need to say them. There are a lot of overconfident kids in her class and she doesn’t wanna be like that. She’s been the same since she was a toddler. She’s very aloof and much more one to stand back and observe rather than pile on. She doesn’t get it from me, I’m an extrovert, but I’d never expect her to be the same as me so I encourage her to go the flow.

AIBU to get really pissed off when people describe quiet people in a negative way, like it’s a flaw?

I did say i don’t see what wrong with being quiet it’s who she is and I don’t think she needs to change, the teacher practically recoiled in horror 🙄

I am starting to think that the best approach to parents' evening is to say that everything is brilliant. The child is perfect and there are no concerns whatsoever nor any targets at all.

I guess then the parents will be on here saying. 'The teacher couldn't give us any feedback on what she needs to work on. It was rubbish.'

The number of people who have taken umbrage about an innocuous comment or observation. Clearly for some parents saying someone is quiet in class is the same as saying they are not clever or capable or in some way of suggesting they won't do well.

BTW Some 'quiet' children hate cold calling or lolly sticks. They feel under pressure and stressed that they might be asked something they don't know. I have had parents ask me not to ask their kids questions unless they have raised their hand.

I don't think you're wrong - quietly confident is a real thing. I wonder what the teacher was really getting at though? Maybe she thinks her silence is holding her back (which I have seen) and I think it's worthwhile asking her teacher for clarification as to what the actual problem is. Maybe you could encourage your daughter in a positive way by telling her that her thoughts are valuable and the teacher would like to hear what she has to say sometimes.

I was a school governor for several years and one of the issues I raised was that a teacher said the class award scheme would only get awarded to children if they "weren't too quiet". It's absolutely ridiculous, and unfair.

I don't see why children HAVE to be comfortable raising their hand in class to be considered as performing well. It's ridiculous. And I say this as someone now who is very comfortable at speaking out myself, but was cripplingly shy in school.

The louder children would routinely be picked for this special award/prize scheme even if they weren't so great in other areas. Quieter children would be told they would be considered if they started speaking up more - even if they contributed actively and positively in smaller groups.

Giving parents the feedback about children being quieter/uncomfortable in larger groups is fine. But I don't see that it's a flaw, and I don't see that it's something that MUST be fixed. Not everyone fits the same personality mould.

Schools have many positive attributes, but this insistence that every child develops in the same way is really damaging. Children aren't bloody clones.

If a quiet child is nervous when they are asked a question or their name is pulled out, a teacher should know and adjust accordingly. I will ask but if I can see they are uncomfortable I will assist , get their friend or partner involved or come back to them. Gentle encouragement.

There's nothing wrong with being quiet.

However, it can hold a child back if they never contribute in any discussion at all - they can be assumed as either having nothing to say, or not making an effort to join in. Group tasks rely on shared effort and it can be a drag on peers if one person effectively refuses to participate.

It can also be a barrier to learning if a pupil cannot even speak up to a) say that they haven't understood b) ask a question they need the answer to c) ask for help.

It's quite difficult for teachers to teach a whole class full of very quiet children though. You do sort of rely on some of the children being happy and willing to contribute to get a good class discussion going. Otherwise, it is a bit like trying to get blood from a stone.

Only today I had a wonderful moment when a boy that I have taught on and off for 3 years and has also been very quiet, gentle and thoughtful, put his hand up several times and spoke confidently. I wanted to praise him for it but know that wouldn’t be comfortable so an inner smile sufficed.

I don't see why children HAVE to be comfortable raising their hand in class to be considered as performing well.

Because good verbal communication skills are a life skill that pupils are likely to do better with than without, much like maths, reading, writing. There are jobs you can get that don't require maths and some people aren't suited to maths, but we make them try to achieve a basic level of proficiency at it anyway. This is the same.

YANBU to think there's nothing wrong with being a quiet kid. YABVU to call the 'overconfident' children ostentatious gobshites and imply there's something wrong with them instead. 🤨

'Ostentatious gobshite' - so you don't like people judging your child but you're happy to judge others

But there's a difference between having good verbal/communication skills, and being comfortable speaking up in front of large groups of people. It's not the same thing at all.

I agree verbal fluency is important, but some people aren't ever going to be comfortable speaking out in front of large groups. Especially when you factor in the possibility that they may get things wrong - and some children find that notion excruciating.

As long as the quiet children are contributing positively in smaller groups, are able to work well with others and communicate their thoughts/ideas, that's all that's important.

Communication and verbal skills can be assessed with group work. Putting your hand up in class isn't an essential skill that every child MUST develop.

You can't force someone to be comfortable speaking up in class - and actually, it's this kind of thing that makes school a really uncomfortable experience for some children. Trying to force them doesn't achieve anything.

I’ve had this for years with DD2. Then at her yr7 parents’ evening her English teacher said DD ‘had quiet power’. I could have hugged her. Luckily for her it was an online parents’ evening :-)

DD2 loved drama at secondary but worried she wasn’t forward enough. At parents evening her drama teacher was so encouraging and told her how she found her thoughtful interpretation so refreshing.She went on to get an A* in the subject at gcse.

This is exactly what happened in my childhood too. It put me at a disadvantage being quiet - I didn't ask for help when I should have in the class.

I'm not particularly shy, but I've always been fairly quiet, and can remember older family members complaining to my parents that I was too quiet.

I suppose I was always quiet and liked to read. I was called a grumpy child, but I never felt grumpy. I just wasn't overly talkative and didn't like being around noise or the more boisterous kids around me therefore I was labelled weird and grumpy.

I then turned into a goth as a teen so my grandparents had a field day with that 😂

I was a quiet kid, very shy. Didn’t raise my hand etc sat back and no I didn’t participate in discussions. Didn’t hold me back, I left school and got away from the bullies who made me life hell and found my voice - nurse now which is what always wanted to do.

but equally kids who do participate and raise their hands aren’t ostentatious gobshites. They are just kids who aren’t quiet or shy and don’t feel self conscious speaking in front of others. My sons (4) are all different, eldest is very confident, my 3rd son happily raises his hand and talks, participates in discussions, ran for house captain etc my second son was a mix, my 4th is autistic and rarely participates in class, is quiet and reserved. Being quiet, confident or loud/ bubbly are ok world would be a boring place if we were all the same.

Yanbu at all.

I agree with this. I was that child years ago. It does hold you back to a certain extent.

I guess from a teachers perspective some quiet children are quiet as they lack confidence, others are just quiet but confident.

I'm often told my daughter is quiet in class at the start of the year. She's an extrovert but takes a while to get use to her new teacher and year group. I do put her quietness down to lack of confidence which grows over the year, as she is really not a quiet child.

This is something I feel very strongly about. DS2 is an introvert and at only 8 years old has been labelled the quiet one in the class, as was I.

Some people need to speak in order to think. Some need to think in order to speak.

Learning by listening and thinking isn’t a negative thing. I remember being the quiet one in the class and dreading being called upon to give an answer as I’d often get tongue tied when having to speak in front of my peers. It was distracting having to think about what I was going to say and the ‘fear’ of talking in front of people would make me miss things.

Expecting everyone in the class to to have something to say is a disadvantage to quieter kids. Participation not an accurate indication of engagement. All through my school life the ideal student was painted as one who participated and added comments but some of us learn best to listening and internalising things. Introverted kids express themselves differently.

It pisses me off because what exactly is wrong with not being some ostentatious gobshite of a child?

YABVU to imply anyone who isn't quite is this.

Nothing wrong with being quiet at all, but there are some who take it too far and effectively refuse to participate in any discussion and/or would sit there for ages rather than ask for help or offer an idea.

I have 4 quiet children and have had this all the way through school, I got cross by the time the 3rd was 13 years old and asked what was the problem with them being quiet if they are getting over 90% in all of their tests.

So if you’re not quiet, you’re an obstentatioua gobshite?!

Ok then.

YABU for saying that tbh. I was agreeing with the premise of your post until I
read further and saw your comparison .