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To not buy things for grandchild?

160 replies

medvedgosha · 11/10/2022 15:46

DS and his gf are students, they're expecting a baby in a couple of months. They have clothes for baby etc but DS has asked if we can buy a pram and a cot.

I've said no as I'm currently paying their rent for them, but AIBU?

OP posts:
Topgub · 11/10/2022 15:48

Can you afford it?

luxxlisbon · 11/10/2022 15:48

No one can really tell you if you’re being unreasonable or not, it’s up to you to decide what you are comfortable with in terms of helping financially.

It must be very stressful for them as students with a baby on the way.

Valeriekat · 11/10/2022 15:50

Why are they even having a child? They sound incredibly irresponsible.

Sausagenbacon · 11/10/2022 15:50

Just wondering if this is a reverse

takealettermsjones · 11/10/2022 15:50

If you can't afford it/don't want to, that's your decision.

If they are in receipt of certain benefits they may qualify for a grant:

Cuppasoupmonster · 11/10/2022 15:51

Why are you paying their rent?! No YANBU, they need to learn the value of money and that you won’t always be there to open your purse when they need something.

twoandone · 11/10/2022 15:56

I can't imagine not wanting to buy something for a grandchild. I can't imagine paying my adult child's rent for them. Why are they having a baby they can't afford? If they're still studying and doing their best to carve a future for themselves then I would probably try to help if I could. They shouldn't expect you to be a third parent to this baby!

ohhelldoi · 11/10/2022 15:57

If you live in Scotland you get given a free box for the baby to sleep in so you don't even need a cot - bottom drawer is always an option too Smile
If they can't afford a pram buy them a baby carrier sling thing.
If they want a fancy pram they can look for a second hand one - there are always plenty for sale

girlmom21 · 11/10/2022 15:58

Topgub · 11/10/2022 15:48

Can you afford it?

This is my question too.

JenniferBarkley · 11/10/2022 15:59

twoandone · 11/10/2022 15:56

I can't imagine not wanting to buy something for a grandchild. I can't imagine paying my adult child's rent for them. Why are they having a baby they can't afford? If they're still studying and doing their best to carve a future for themselves then I would probably try to help if I could. They shouldn't expect you to be a third parent to this baby!

This, basically.

If they're trying their best and they "got caught" as my mother would say, and you can easily afford it, then I think if you support them now they will reap the rewards in the future as will their baby.

Are you paying the rent because you're supporting your son as a student? So would the cot etc be the only extra thing you would be paying for the baby? Or are you paying the rent because of the pregnancy?

Hankunamatata · 11/10/2022 16:02

Were you pay ds rent because he was a student before his gf was pregnant?

I'd shop around for a pre loved pram and cot

ilovepuppies2019 · 11/10/2022 16:06

Oddly I'd have more sympathy if they were 16 and had made a stupid decision because they were immature. I'd they're in their 20s then I would have expected them to made a more sensible decision about whether they could afford a baby and I'd not, what they need to do to afford a baby. I would be more inclined to help if they're doing everything they can which would mean jobs for them both. They both need to work part time and accept that they'll have very little free time. If they're doing everything they can, are grateful and respectful and you can afford it then I would help all I could.

Winter2020 · 11/10/2022 16:08

Prams can be hugely expensive so you could say you will give them x towards them e.g. £300 which would get a basic new pram and cot or they could choose second hand with a new mattress, or they could add to the budget themselves.

If you say "yes choose one and I'll pay" it might escalate when they ask for very expensive ones and cause embarassment and upset all round.

I agree with others though that if you are quite wealthy and only don't want to help because you are miffed about the pregnancy then your behaviour will be remembered in the future, where as if you say "I'm sorry I am already struggling paying your rent and can't help anymore" then that's fair enough.

Cinders88 · 11/10/2022 16:22

If they’re struggling to afford these items, take a look on the likes of Gumtree. I got a cot on there, from someone who was only a few streets away from me, perfect condition for £20, and I purchased a new mattress from Amazon for under £30.

I have a 3in1 pram set, with a carry cot, pushchair, and a car seat with ISOfix base. All only used a handful of times. I’ll be selling for half of what I paid for it and it’s pretty much brand new. There’s some great second hand stuff out there if money is an issue.

If they’re doing what they can but are in need of your help, and you’re able to, then it’d be nice to pitch in .. but they should be prepared to put in the work to support this baby and not expect things from you.

BadNomad · 11/10/2022 16:25

The baby won't need a cot for a while. They can get a second-hand pram for cheap. The only thing a baby really needs new is a car seat.

But I get the feeling this isn't about a pram or a cot. Are you annoyed that they are having a baby when they can't even house themselves?

MarigoldMoonStone · 11/10/2022 16:29

Buy off marketplace - next2me crib £40, pram £100 - maximum!
Why are you paying their rent? Can't they get universal credit?

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 11/10/2022 16:38

imo it kind of depends; I had dc far too young and no money/help; got stuff out of charity shops. My dc have gone on to have their own at various stages of 'readiness' and money available. I have bought/helped out with a little special something but never in a big way. If they are on the breadline they will get some govt help, and/or may have to reassess their preferences. They may have to realise, like I did, that babies don't care one jot about 'stuff', only the love and care they receive. Like a pp, a car seat is a caveat to this, maybe offer to get this, if you can and they are likely to need it, and suggest they shop around for sh; lord knows there's plenty about as it gets so little use!

Hope they all get on ok and you get a lovely gc!

nutbrownhare15 · 11/10/2022 16:41

I bought both secondhand for my own baby at a cost of less than £100. In your position that's what I'd also do

RedWingBoots · 11/10/2022 16:50

I got a JL cot for less than £10 on eBay. (Some people try to sell theirs on for over £100 there as you can get new ones cheaper than that.) The mattress cost more.

My pram was new but about £300 which I then passed onto a relation of good friends.

My Moses basket with a new mattress was given to me by a friend. The Moses basket was used the mattress wasn't.

In otherwords buy second hand. Get them to tell people that they are expecting as people can be very generous.

Singleandproud · 11/10/2022 16:54

Are they wanting specific top of the range pram and cot and expecting £££ and would turn their nose up at second hand ones? Or would they gratefully receive anything bought for them? If the later I'd ask friends and family if they had any baby bits they wanted to get rid of but I most certainly wouldn't be buying new.

WonderingWanda · 11/10/2022 16:56

You aren't unreasonable because you are already helping out. If you really feel they are trying hard to make ends meet and they aren't being entitled and irresponsible then maybe you could help them get something second hand (new mattress obviously). If you think they are expecting to be supported maybe they need to learn to stand on their own two feet.

Flitter123 · 11/10/2022 16:58

There’s loads of second hand baby stuff around. If you’re not too fussy about what you want you can get it for virtually nothing.

C8H10N4O2 · 11/10/2022 16:59

Was this an accidental pregnancy? Because as students it would be pretty irresponsible to plan a baby whilst having no serious income on the assumption that someone else will pay the costs.

If you are paying the rent, can you afford to do anything else? Either way - second hand prams/pushchairs and cots can save a fortune and are a sensible option for anyone irrespective of budget. Just buy a new mattress for the cot.

Bobbins36 · 11/10/2022 16:59

Why the hell are two students having a child when they can’t even afford rent for themselves 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

MonkeyToez · 11/10/2022 17:03


I had my first at 16 whilst still in high school.

I bought my pram from fb market place for £80 out of my maternity grant. Moses basket £20 from argos. My aunt donated a cot to me. There are always people selling these things for cheap or donating them online.

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