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AIBU?

To not buy things for grandchild?

160 replies

medvedgosha · 11/10/2022 15:46

DS and his gf are students, they're expecting a baby in a couple of months. They have clothes for baby etc but DS has asked if we can buy a pram and a cot.

I've said no as I'm currently paying their rent for them, but AIBU?

OP posts:
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BlackberryCat · 12/10/2022 05:06

Are you the OP where they are living with you and the GF has a child from a previous relationship?

If so, you know they are CF and the only way to sort this is to be firm with them.

If not, I'm sorry, I agree it depends if you can afford it or not, but I agree that there are loads of baby stuff going cheap on Facebook etc.

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CJsGoldfish · 12/10/2022 05:08

You do realise that despite contraception sometimes it happens anyway? Or are you pretending to not be aware of this?
You do know that that's`the convenient fallback for those who didn't bother with contraception right? Those who knew it wasn't the best time but went ahead ahead anyway. 😂
Most of the 'oops' babies fall in to that category 🤷‍♀️
Note: Most. There is a very minor percentage of true contraception failures.

Love that because OP’s son and their partner are being slammed for not being responsible because they can’t ‘afford’ a baby as OP is paying rent. Do you apply that logic to every person in this country who is living in social housing or receiving benefits in order to feed/clothe/house their kids?
I'd feel the same about anyone who can't pay their own rent or expenses tbh 🤷‍♀️

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HowVeryBizarre · 12/10/2022 05:10

I think asking directly for two “high ticket items” is very cheeky, especially as you are paying their rent. We bought the cot for our grandchild, DIL’s very wealthy parents had bought them a very expensive pram, they certainly didn’t ask us (or the other GPs) for anything but I did want to also buy something they would need so I said what our budget was for the cot to save any awkwardness around expectations and they chose one. As other people have said you can get a lot of great stuff second hand so if you can afford it I would look there and see what you are willing/able to contribute. Any hint of turning up their noses at second hand though and they would be on their own.

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maddening · 12/10/2022 05:30

Get on fb marketplace- so much available for good prices.

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sashh · 12/10/2022 05:37

OP they should look to claim benefits, they might not get anything now but once the baby arrives they can claim Universal Credit.

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ilovepuppies2019 · 12/10/2022 06:01

I'm surprised at the number of posters who think you should only say no if you can't afford it. You can say no simply because this is not your responsibility and you're already shouldering a lot the responsibility by paying their rent. I think my Mum would have laughed and told me that my baby was my responsibility. Having a child when you can't afford essential living expenses is irresponsible. The solution is not the expect the GPs to pay but to step up and provide for the child. They will need job. If necessary, they might need to delay Uni for a year to save up money for the baby. This is the reality of having a child, they need to get used to it. I would require that they both have jobs before I purchased any items for the baby. They will be studying, working or parenting round the clock with very little free time but that's what they signed up for. If they're not willing to put in the work to care for their own child then they need to question if they're ready to be parents and explore other options.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 12/10/2022 06:20

CJsGoldfish · 12/10/2022 05:08

You do realise that despite contraception sometimes it happens anyway? Or are you pretending to not be aware of this?
You do know that that's`the convenient fallback for those who didn't bother with contraception right? Those who knew it wasn't the best time but went ahead ahead anyway. 😂
Most of the 'oops' babies fall in to that category 🤷‍♀️
Note: Most. There is a very minor percentage of true contraception failures.

Love that because OP’s son and their partner are being slammed for not being responsible because they can’t ‘afford’ a baby as OP is paying rent. Do you apply that logic to every person in this country who is living in social housing or receiving benefits in order to feed/clothe/house their kids?
I'd feel the same about anyone who can't pay their own rent or expenses tbh 🤷‍♀️

Actually you're wrong. There was a great NYT article with graphs for all the methods and the failure rates. There are many children born while using contraception. Those failure rates are often with perfect use, for one year. Well unless you only have sex for one year, the cumulative risk is quite large.

The NYT article is worth a look. www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/09/14/sunday-review/unplanned-pregnancies.html

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PinkSyCo · 12/10/2022 06:37

JenniferBarkley · 11/10/2022 18:05

We were professionals in our 30s with a comfortable income when we had DC1, and my parents bought the buggy and DH's bought the cot. They are quite common gifts from grandparents.

If you can afford it and you would have been paying rent anyway then I would.

If you can't afford it or the rent payments are been because of the baby, then I wouldn't.

Well that’s very nice that your parents were able to afford to buy 2 big items for you isn’t it? I’m wondering though if you demanded them? Because if my dd had demanded anything off of me they would have got nothing, especially if I was paying their rent too!

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speakout · 12/10/2022 06:42

Flitter123 · 11/10/2022 16:58

There’s loads of second hand baby stuff around. If you’re not too fussy about what you want you can get it for virtually nothing.

I agree. Second hand baby stuff is very inexpensive. You could buy a new mattress for the cot.
I have had two kids and never owned a cot or a pram.

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Userno46477473636274 · 12/10/2022 06:44

I mean this all depends if you can afford it. Their baby is their responsibility so no, you are not obliged to. Your title is misleading, there's a difference between buying a cot and a pram and buying a few outfits or smaller things. I'm sure you would buy something smaller and less expensive though??

it sounds like you're already being her pjs enough paying rent.

you can buy prams and cots second hand on Facebook, sometimes for free, just tell them to make sure the mattress for cot is new.

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Userno46477473636274 · 12/10/2022 06:44

generous enough **

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Fraaahnces · 12/10/2022 06:56

Wow! Op is paying their RENT. All the time! I would think that this is well and truly enough!!!

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Mummyoflittledragon · 12/10/2022 07:27

I note op hasn’t yet come back since posting.

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CinnamonJellyBeans · 12/10/2022 07:33

I think I'd help out if I could afford to, but second hand.

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Buggersticks · 12/10/2022 07:37

We have a local Facebook page, baby things are frequently given away or for just a few quid. Maybe there is something like this in your area?

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JenniferBarkley · 12/10/2022 07:41

PinkSyCo · 12/10/2022 06:37

Well that’s very nice that your parents were able to afford to buy 2 big items for you isn’t it? I’m wondering though if you demanded them? Because if my dd had demanded anything off of me they would have got nothing, especially if I was paying their rent too!

I absolutely didn't demand anything, it was offered and not expected.

But I suppose I'm thinking of what would have happened if I'd found myself pregnant as a student. I was with now DH, we had good work ethics and good prospects but didn't have two pennies to rub together. Our families were comfortable though and there's no way they would've seen us struggle. It would've been tough but ultimately we all would've been fine, in part thanks to family support.

If OP can't afford to buy anything, then it's moot. She won't be able to buy anything, case closed. If she's paying the rent because of the pregnancy then that's exceedingly generous of her and clearly nothing else is needed.

If OP is paying the rent because her son is a student and that was always the plan, if her son is working hard and OP is financially comfortable to the extent it won't make a financial difference then I think it would be nice of her to support them and help them get set up for the baby. It's what families do.

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ClocksGoingBackwards · 12/10/2022 08:04

YANBU

Theyve chosen to have a child while they both study and they simply can’t afford it. You are already doing more than you should by paying for their rent. Why aren’t their student loans paying for their rent?

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Cakecakecheese · 12/10/2022 08:15

Have they asked her family for anything? My mum bought a cot and my in laws bought a pram but they offered, I wouldn't have asked and definitely wouldn't have expected two big items from one set of grandparents. Baby isn't even in the cot yet he sleeps in a Next2Me that I got for 20 quid off FB marketplace and he was in a moses basket that a friend gave me, people are always giving Moses baskets away on FB.

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Spookypants25 · 12/10/2022 08:19

Why are you paying their rent? They sound very greedy and irresponsible sorry, might need more details on their situation and why they are asking so much of you when they should be doing all this themselves

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PeekAtYou · 12/10/2022 08:22

You have bought something for your grandchild - the roof over their head.
Lots of good quality second hand prams and cots on places like Facebook market place. If they are picky they could pick up a new mattress for the cot but there are some good deals to be had- good brands at a fraction of the cost. Be

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Monkey2001 · 12/10/2022 08:24

I would be looking on freecycle, or buying something cheap on Ebay. You can pick up unfashionable prams for very little. Agree that if they have decided to keep a baby they need to learn to be responsible.

Have you looked into whether they are now classed as "Independent students" eligible for full loan? I think married people are. If so, you should not need to pay their rent.

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Untitledsquatboulder · 12/10/2022 08:25

Spookypants25 · 12/10/2022 08:19

Why are you paying their rent? They sound very greedy and irresponsible sorry, might need more details on their situation and why they are asking so much of you when they should be doing all this themselves

It's totally normal for parents to pay some or all of a students rent. The expected parental contribution to a student's living allowance is running at about 8k pa.

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LT2 · 12/10/2022 08:32

Grandparents asked what to get us - we'd never ask them or expect anything. We were bought a crib, pram and car seat among other things. You're paying their rent - I wouldn't say it's unreasonable of you to only get small gifts!

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MrsMiddleMother · 12/10/2022 08:38

If you don't want to then say no, it's their responsibility. However, I would. You can get some great prams second hand in great condition and the ikea cots and mattresses are fab.

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MermaidMummy06 · 12/10/2022 08:39

Teach them to economise & buy second hand. Or you'll constantly be putting your hand in your pocket, with expectation, not gratitude.

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