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AIBU?

To not buy things for grandchild?

160 replies

medvedgosha · 11/10/2022 15:46

DS and his gf are students, they're expecting a baby in a couple of months. They have clothes for baby etc but DS has asked if we can buy a pram and a cot.

I've said no as I'm currently paying their rent for them, but AIBU?

OP posts:
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LuffleGro · 11/10/2022 18:46

butterfliedtwo · 11/10/2022 18:40

In what universe do 'most parents' do that?

Most students get a job or a loan and don't have children before they can at least pay rent. YANBU, OP.

Student loans are based on parents' income so they may only be entitled to a minimum loan which isn't enough to pay the rent never mind live on. The expectation is that the parents pay the difference so yes, most parents (of students who don't get maximum loan) do pay at least something!

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Darbs76 · 11/10/2022 18:47

And we pay my son’s rent - first year of Uni - 8k. Get saving

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Nanalisa60 · 11/10/2022 18:49

Facebook marketplace, and gumtree. But buy new mattress for anything that needs a mattress. You can really kit out a baby with everything it’s needs secondhand.

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Darbs76 · 11/10/2022 18:49

mam0918 · 11/10/2022 18:46

Thats news too me... when I was at uni half my friends lived at home and commuted the other half lived in student housing paid for by loans and part time work.

I was the odd one out as I privately rented my own house for me, DH and DS as I was a mature student.

I didnt know ANYONE whose parents paid for them in uni... I find it so bizaare that some mumsnetters think thats normal.

That’s because the rules have changed since you were at Uni, loans are now means tested and parents are expected to make up the short fall

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LuffleGro · 11/10/2022 18:50

Some people are in for a financial shock if their children go to university. People need to be aware that unless they are on a low income they are expected to contribute.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/university-living-costs-calculator/

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meloonhead · 11/10/2022 18:51

I didnt know ANYONE whose parents paid for them in uni... I find it so bizaare that some mumsnetters think thats normal.

I lived at home then paid for myself. But if course it's normal for parents to pay rent, the MAX loan you can get is £13k and that is only when you you have a child/are a cater/disabled/care leavers

So some people are lucky enough to get help, given rent is probably around £10k and not ask students can work while studying

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Goldbar · 11/10/2022 18:53

MinervaTerrathorn · 11/10/2022 18:26

I'd buy a basic second hand pram and cot, then new mattress.

This. Second hand pram, second hand cot, new mattress, new carseat.

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Snog · 11/10/2022 18:53

YANBU
What is your reason for not agreeing to fund the pram and cot?

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Ginger1982 · 11/10/2022 19:06

They shouldn't be having a kid if they can't afford it and you shouldn't be expected to foot their bills. My mum bought my pram, but because she wanted to do it as a gift, not because I couldn't afford one myself.

Why are you paying their rent? Could you afford to buy the pram/cot?

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HereForTheCommentsB · 11/10/2022 19:11

What are the girlfriends parents contributing?

I also agree second hand/free sites on FB or something but new mattresses and car seat which don't have to be expensive.

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dworky · 11/10/2022 19:47

It's not compulsory, totally up to you.

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UUm · 11/10/2022 19:55

YANBU - it is cheeky of them to ask unless they really can't afford second hand and are stuck.

You're paying their rent!

Traditionally I think the paternal grandparents buy the cot and the maternal grandparents the pram for the first born child of their child...but I don't think they also pay rent for the parents at the same time traditionally!

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cathycake · 11/10/2022 20:03

Feel so torn with this as Im an expectant grandma and have bought loads inc pushchair system etc. I had no one to help me and struggled for years making do. Im now in position where Im glad to help. I wasn’t asked to but offered and it was accepted very happily
That said I can see you pay their rent too so can understand that your already giving support.
if it was me I would maybe offer something towards the cost and ask if her family can also contribute (if she has family of course)

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IncompleteSenten · 11/10/2022 20:07

It's your money, it's up to you.

I would if I could afford it. I'd want to help make things a little easier any way I could.

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cathycake · 11/10/2022 20:10

Apologies OP I can see you said ‘no’ - I dont think you’re being unreasonable if this is your instinct . You know the situation better than anyone and Im sure you pay enough for rent so feeling taking advantage of maybe?’
You will be correct what ever your end decision is

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notdaddycool · 11/10/2022 20:12

Please buy them a new mattress for safety but a second hand cot is fine.

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UWhatNow · 11/10/2022 20:18

So they don’t pay rent and they can’t afford to buy the basics…. that’s a great life choice they’ve made 🙄 I don’t blame you for showing some boundaries - it sounds like they need to grow up.

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AnotherEmma · 11/10/2022 20:21

In my city, there are charities (more than one) offering free baby items like cots, pushchairs and other things to parents on low incomes. There are also lots of local Facebook and WhatsApp groups for buying, selling and giving away baby items. Failing that, there's always Facebook marketplace, Gumtree and eBay.

If they haven't yet done so, your son and his girlfriend should contact their local citizens advice for guidance about benefits, charitable grants and other help that might be available to them.

Do they intend to continue their studies after baby is born? Will one (presumably your son) get a job while the other (presumably his girlfriend) looks after the baby? Or will they want grandparents to help with childcare so they can work and/or study?

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passport123 · 11/10/2022 20:22

Need a bit more information. How old are they. Do they have a part time job. Are they sensible or fritter their money away.

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Solonge · 11/10/2022 20:28

medvedgosha · 11/10/2022 15:46

DS and his gf are students, they're expecting a baby in a couple of months. They have clothes for baby etc but DS has asked if we can buy a pram and a cot.

I've said no as I'm currently paying their rent for them, but AIBU?

Where to start???? very kind of you to pay their rent....are they very young 18 or so? we paid our kids rents when they were students so I understand that. I dont understand having a baby whilst being a student, a student that cant afford to pay their own rent...and then expects prams and cots bought by Grandma. Afraid this sounds very entitled....assume you are comfortably off so it was something they found easy to ask. What about gf's parents? are they going to be helping out. I must say I would have been pretty fed up if my kids were having pregnancies as students when they are clearly not financially able.

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Solonge · 11/10/2022 20:36

FamilyTreeBuilder · 11/10/2022 18:29

Because they're students? And most parents pay rent or costs for their student offspring?

Incredibly foolhardy to then get pregant when you are a student...I worked as a nurse in a college. Free condoms...free family planning clinics....there is no excuse, even Rees Mogg who is RC and despises abortions apparently is happy to put his money into a company providing the morning after pill. I would have been mighty pissed if my sons or daughter had got pregnant and decided to go ahead with a baby whilst at uni....and been incapable of financing themselves.

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Untitledsquatboulder · 11/10/2022 20:40

Second hand baby stuff is cheap as chips so if they were struggling to afford that then yes I would if I possibly could. If what they are after is a £££ travel system then no.

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RagzRebooted · 11/10/2022 20:43

I had my first baby at 20. Didn't ask parents for anything, we bought cot from the bootsale for a fiver (I had never heard the idea that second hand mattresses are dangerous) and car seat was second hand as well. We didn't bother with a pushchair straight away, were home with baby 2 days and given an old one by a neighbour. We bought very, very few things new.
Babies don't need to be expensive and if they are poor, they need to get used to that idea now.

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Solonge · 11/10/2022 20:44

phishy · 11/10/2022 18:30

No, most students get a loan.

Many have both. Our kids had their rent paid for them, the Uni fees and were given a hundred quid a month to live on.....this was twenty years ago...we had three all in uni together...first child went to uni the first year there were charges involved. The child left with debts of £18k plus.

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SquashesPumpkinsAutumnBliss · 11/10/2022 20:46

Cheap second hand. Or look on local sites such as Facebook - often see people giving them away.

suggest they ask the midwife for any referrals they can make due to poverty.

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